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Now it’s just quiet and it’s all oflot and feel like a junkie looking for a fix, but I’m not sure whatI pull the front doors open and step into three-quarters of my old crowd Anna, Kara, and Jeanette stare at me like they can’t believe I’ve done it, and now that I’ve done it, I can’t believe it either And then I just stand there, paralyzed I can’tto happen

I’o"

I study each and every one of the their faces to memory I knohat they look like, but I want toers curl in on theue so hard, I taste blood I hate these girls I hate these girls I hate these girls

"Are you fucking deaf?" Kara

"Forget it," Anna says impatiently "Marta can find us at my locker"

She moves out and Jeanette follows after her, but Kara stays behind to smirk All I’d have to do is reach out and choke, she’s that close It’d be so easy and it would feel so good But I can’t irl, voice I reives me one last look and hurries after Anna She’s fucked if she thinks I’m done with her I take a sharp breath in, and my body coainst the wall and watch people filter in until the bell rings When it finally does, I head up the stairs and down the hall to her locker, and she’s there

Alone

She doesn’t see ainst the locker She makes a startled noise, but she rallies quickly and shoves ain and it’s my palms on her shoulders This beautiful adrenaline rush I will kill her

She sees it in oing to chase her Not yet

The hall is eainst Kara’s locker and come down, but I don’t want to come down Someone shuffles s under his eyes and his hair is greasy It’s weird that we’re living in two separate but similar hells That Anna has found a way to make him miserable and I’m not a part of it

I really would have liked to have been a part of it

"Where’s your car?" I ask

He stops and looks at me, confused Not confused about what I’ve asked him, but that I’ve asked him and that I’ business," hework done"

"No it’s not"

I steel myself I watch hi to a good red

"What did you do to rowls

"Don’t worry, Donnie," I say "It’ll turn up Eventually"

He comes close, so close At-the-party close My heart beats crazy in my chest, but I know none of it is on"What? It still runs"

He brings his fist up and slams his knuckles into the metal beside my head

"Tellheavily He wants to hurt me, but I’m not entirely convinced that he will We stare at each other, our eyes locked, and I raiseon?" We turn, startled by this new voice Brenner stands in the middle of the hall, his arms crossed Donnie backs off "Get to class, both of you"

Donnie goes one way and I go the other That was stupid That was stupid That was stupid That was really, really stupid But I’d do it again in a second, just to have that moment that felt like it was mine

I walk down the hall All I can think about is what’s next, the nextto find it in class I wander the halls seeking it out until the adrenaline fades, and the bell rings again

It’s strange walking with these bodies, all on their way to class This is their day-to-day Nothing bothers the I rollinside o I feel quiet-reckless-crazy I feel like …I could shove my knuckles into metal and it would never hurt I feel dead inside

I round the corner and spot Michael at the end of the hall talking to Liz I stop My heart stops I duck into the spaces between rows of lockers because I’ him After the closet with Donnie, the kiss, the car, I see him and I can’t breathe I’m scared of what I felt both times--when my mouth was on his mouth and after he put his hands on my wrists and told me no

I peek around the corner and watch him talk to Liz I want to see what that looks like--if there’s so there when he talks to her that isn’t there when he talks to me It’s effortless They aren’t into each other like that, but he’s leaning against the locker and she’s close the way friends are close She says sohs I’ it is and how sad that makes me, because I’ve never seen that He’s not like that around hts up his eyes He should smile more often It’s so innocent