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"Okay," I said My dad was crying now

"I want you guys to have a life," I said "I worry that you won’t have a life, that you’ll sit around here all day with no me to look after and stare at the walls and want to off yourselves"

After a h IU To getat antioxidant recipes; I riting a paper"

"Seriously?"

"I don’t want you to think I’et roups dealing with illness in their fa to become a Patrick?"

"Well, not exactly There are all kinds of social work jobs"

Dad said, "We’ve both been worried that you’ll feel abandoned It’s important for you to know that ill always be here for you, Hazel Your reat This is fantastic!" I was really sreat Patrick! She’ll be so much better at it than Patrick is"

"Thank you, Hazel ThatI couldn’t get over how happy I was, crying genuine tears of actual happiness for the first ti my mom as a Patrick It ood social worker, too

After a while we turned on the TV and watched ANTM But I paused it after five seconds because I had all these questions for Moo up to Blooton for a week this su have you been keeping this from me, exactly?"

"A year"

"Mo "So when you’re waiting for me outside of MCC or Support Group or whatever, you’re always--"

"Yes, working or reading"

"This is so great If I’ at you fros"

My dad laughed "I’ll be right there with ya, kiddo," he assured me

Finally, atched ANTM Dad tried really hard not to die of boredo, "We like her?"

"No, no We revile Anastasia We like Antonia, the other blonde," Mom explained

"They’re all tall and horrible," Dad responded "Forgiveto tell the difference" Dad reached across ether if I die?" I asked

"Hazel, what? Sweetie" She fuain "What’s wrong?"

"Just, do you think you would?"

"Yes, of course Of course," Dad said "Your h it together"

"Swear to God," I said

"I swear to God," he said

I looked back at Mo about this?"

"I just don’t want to ruin your life or anything"

Mom leaned forward and pressed her face into my messy puff of hair and kissed me at the very top of my head I said to Dad, "I don’t want you to become like a miserable unemployed alcoholic or whatever"

My mom smiled "Your father isn’t Peter Van Houten, Hazel You of all people know it is possible to live with pain"

"Yeah, okay," I said Moh I didn’t really want to be hugged "Okay, you can unpause it," I said Anastasia got kicked off She threw a fit It esome

I ate a few bites of dinner--bow-tie pasta with pesto--and ed to keep it down

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

I woke up the nextalone and boatless in a huge lake I bolted up, straining against the BiPAP, and felt Mom’s arm on me

"Hi, you okay?"

My heart raced, but I nodded Mom said, "Kaitlyn’s on the phone for you" I pointed at et it off and hooked me up to Philip and then finally I tookto check in," she said "See how you’re doing"

"Yeah, thanks," I said "I’ It’s unconscionable"

"I guess," I said I didn’t think much about my luck anymore one way or the other Honestly, I didn’t really want to talk with Kaitlyn about anything, but she kept dragging the conversation along

"So as it like?" she asked

"Having your boyfriend die? U in love"

"Oh," I said "Oh It wasit was nice to spend ti We were very different, and we disagreed about a lot of things, but he was always so interesting, you know?"

"Alas, I do not The boys I’"

"He wasn’t perfect or anything He wasn’t your fairy-tale Prince Char or whatever He tried to be like that sometimes, but I liked him best when that stuff fell away"

"Do you have like a scrapbook of pictures and letters he wrote?"

"I have some pictures, but he never really wrote es frouess he threw the"

"Maybe he mailed them to you," she said