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I walked to his bedside table next Infinite Mayhem, the ninth sequel to The Price of Dawn, lay atop the table next to his reading lae 138 turned down He’d never made it to the end of the book "Spoiler alert: Mayhem survives," I said out loud to him, just in case he could hearmyself with his s hi even as I lay there,the pains

I sat up in the bed after a while and reinsertedup the stairs I just shook my head no in response to his parents’ expectant looks The kids raced past me One of Gus’s sisters--I could not tell them apart--said, "Mo?"

"No, no, they’re fine"

"Is there anywhere he ht have put a notebook? Like by his hospital bed or soone, reclaimed by hospice

"Hazel," his dad said, "you were there every day with us You-- he wasn’t aloneI know you wantI want that, too But thefro, as if Gus were hovering just above the house Maybe he was I don’t know I didn’t feel his presence, though

"Yeah," I said I proht his scent again

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Three days later, on the eleventh day AG, Gus’s father calledI was still hooked to the BiPAP, so I didn’t answer, but I listened to his h to my phone "Hazel, hi, it’s Gus’s dad I found a, uh, black Moleskine notebook in the azine rack that was near his hospital bed, I think near enough that he could have reached it Unfortunately there’s no writing in the notebook All the pages are blank But the first--I think three or four--the first few pages are torn out of the notebook We looked through the house but couldn’t find the pages So I don’t knohat to es are what Isaac was referring to? Anyway, I hope that you are doing okay You’re in our prayers every day, Hazel Okay, bye"

Three or four pages ripped froustus Waters’s house Where would he leave theet there

The Literal Heart of Jesus Maybe he’d left it there for me on his Last Good Day

So I left twenty minutes early for Support Group the next day I drove over to Isaac’s house, picked him up, and then we drove down to the Literal Heart of Jesus with the s of theto The Hectic Glow’s leaked new album, which Gus would never hear

We took the elevator I walked Isaac to a seat in the Circle of Trust then sloorked my way around the Literal Heart I checked everywhere: under the chairs, around the lectern I’d stood behind while delivering y, under the treat table, on the bulletin board packed with Sunday school kids’ drawings of God’s love Nothing It was the only place we’d been together in those last days besides his house, and it either wasn’t here or I wasPerhaps he’d left it for me in the hospital, but if so, it had almost certainly been throay after his death

I was really out of breath by the time I settled into a chair next to Isaac, and I devoted the entirety of Patrick’s nutless testis they were okay, that they could breathe, that there was enough oxygen They’d been drained only a week before Gus died--I watched the ah the tube--and yet already they felt full again I was so focused on tellingmy name at first

I snapped to attention "Yeah?" I asked

"How are you?"

"I’m okay, Patrick I’m a little out of breath"

"Would you like to share a roup?"

"I wish I would just die, Patrick Do you ever wish you would just die?"

"Yes," Patrick said, without his usual pause "Yes, of course So why don’t you?"

I thought about it My old stock ansas that I wanted to stay alive for utted and childless in the wake of me, and that was still true kind of, but that wasn’t it, exactly "I don’t know"

"In the hopes that you’ll get better?"

"No," I said "No, it’s not that I really don’t know Isaac?" I asked I was tired of talking

Isaac started talking about true love I couldn’t tell the because it see about the universe wanting to be noticed, and how I had to notice it as best I could I felt that I owed a debt to the universe that only my attention could repay, and also that I owed a debt to everybody who didn’t get to be a person anyotten to be a person yet What my dad had told me, basically

I stayed quiet for the rest of Support Group, and Patrick said a special prayer forlist of the dead--fourteen of them for every one of us--and we promised to live our best life today, and then I took Isaac to the car

When I got ho room table on their separate laptops, and the moment I walked in the door, Mom slammed her laptop shut "What’s on the computer?"

"Just some antioxidant recipes Ready for BiPAP and A to lie down for a minute"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just tired"

"Well, you’ve gotta eat before you--"

"Mory" I took a step toward the door but she cut me off

"Hazel, you have to eat Just so to bed"

"No," Moed

"It’sto starve yourself to death just because Augustus died You’re going to eat dinner"

I was really pissed off for some reason "I can’t eat, Morabbed bothdinner You need to stay healthy"

"NO!" I shouted "I’ dinner, and I can’t stay healthy, because I’ to die and leave you here alone and you won’t have a me to hover around and you won’t be aabout it, okay?!"

I regretted it as soon as I said it

"You heard me"

"What?"

"Did you hear me say that to your father?" Her eyes welled up "Did you?" I nodded "Oh, God, Hazel I’, sweetie That wasn’t true I said that in a desperateI believe" She sat down, and I sat doith her I was thinking that I should have just puked up so pissed off

"What do you believe, then?" I asked

"As long as either of us is alive, I will be your mother," she said "Even if you die, I--"

"When," I said

She nodded "Even when you die, I will still be youryourGus?" I shookyou?"