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I hated hurting hiet about it, but the inexorable truth is this: They lad to have a of

Just before the Miracle, when I was in the ICU and it looked like I was going to die and Mo to let go butinto Dad’s chest that I wish I hadn’t heard, and that I hope she never finds out that I did hear She said, "I won’t be a uttedthe whole Cancer Teaet it out of my head, how she sounded when she said that, like she would never be okay again, which probably she wouldn’t

Anyway, eventually we decided to keep things the sas At the end, I asked if I could travel to Ahed, but then Dr Maria said, "Why not?" And Simons said, dubiously, "Why not?" And Dr Maria said, "Yeah, I don’t see why not They’ve got oxygen on the planes, after all" Dr Siate-check a BiPAP?" And Maria said, "Yeah, or have one waiting for her"

"Placing a patient--one of the ht-hour flight from the only physicians intimately familiar with her case? That’s a recipe for disaster"

Dr Maria shrugged "It would increase soed, but then turned to me and said, "But it’s your life"

Except not really On the car ride ho to Areeht after dinner I was already in bed--after dinner had becoajillion pillows and also Bluie, with , "Bad news," and he said, "Shit, what?"

"I can’t go to Amsterdam One of my doctors thinks it’s a bad idea"

He was quiet for a second "God," he said "I should’ve just paid for it ht from the Funky Bones to Amsterdam"

"But then I would’ve had a probably fatal episode of deoxygenation in Ao hold of an airplane," I said

"Well, yeah," he said "But before that, otten h that I felt where the chest tube had been

"You laugh because it’s true," he said

I laughed again

"It’s true, isn’t it!"

"Probably not," I said, and then after a h you never know"

He in," he said

"You’re a virgin?" I asked, surprised

"Hazel Grace," he said, "do you have a pen and a piece of paper?" I said I did "Okay, please draw a circle" I did "No a ser circle is virgins The s"

I laughed again, and told hiee proly brilliant coh I was in bed and he was in his basement, it really felt like ere back in that uncreated third space, which was a place I really liked visiting with hiot off the phone and h it was really not big enough for all three of us, they lay on either side of the bed with irl I didn’t like, Selena, got kicked off, which made me really happy for some reason Then Mom hooked me up to the BiPAP and tucked me in, and Dad kissed me on the forehead, the kiss all stubble, and then I closedaway fro about it was that itwith each inhalation and whirring as I exhaled I kept thinking that it sounded like a dragon breathing in tion as cuddled up next to h aboutabout that as I sank into sleep

I got up late the nextI watched TV in bed and checkedan email to Peter Van Houten about how I couldn’t come to Amsterdam but I swore upon the life of my mother that I would never share any information about the characters with anyone, that I didn’t even want to share it, because I was a terribly selfish person, and could he please just tell me if the Dutch Tulip Man is for real and if Anna’s mom marries him and also about Sisyphus the Hamster

But I didn’t send it It was too pathetic even for ustus would be home from school, I went into the backyard and called hirass, which was all overgrown and dandeliony That swing set was still back there, weeds growing out of the little ditch I’d created froher as a little kid I re ho it in the backyard with a neighbor He’d insisted on swinging on it first to test it, and the thing daray and low and full of rain but not yet raining I hung up when I got Augustus’s voice mail and then put the phone down in the dirt beside ive up all the sick days I had left for a few healthy ones I tried to tell ranting factory, that I was living with cancer not dying of it, that I mustn’t let it killstupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid over and over again until the sound unhinged fro it when he called back

"Hi," I said

"Hazel Grace," he said

"Hi," I said again

"Are you crying, Hazel Grace?"

"Kind of?"

"Why?" he asked

"’Cause I’o to Amsterdam, and I want him to tell me what happens after the book is over, and I just don’t wantset out here that my dadset of tears immediately," he said "I’ll be over in twenty minutes"

I stayed in the backyard because Mo, because I did not cry often, and I knew she’d want to talk and discuss whether I shouldn’t consider adjusting ht of that whole conversation made nant, well-lita healthy child and the child saying higher higher higher or so set was just sitting there, abandoned, the two little swings hanging still and sad frorayed plank of wood, the outline of the seats like a kid’s drawing of a slass door open I turned around It was Augustus, wearing khaki pants and a short-sleeve plaid button-down I wiped my face with my sleeve and smiled "Hi," I said

It took hiriracefully on his ass "Hi," he said finally I looked over at hi past me, into the backyard "I see your point," he said as he put an ar set"

I nudgedto co to keep your distance frouess?" I said

"All efforts to save me from you will fail," he said