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"Keep hiht," she said

"Mom," I said

"He’s lonely," she said

"Oh, my God, Mom," I said But I took stupid Bluie and kind of cuddled with him as I fell asleep

I still had one arm draped over Bluie, in fact, when I awoke just after four in theout from the unreachable center of my head

CHAPTER SEVEN

I screamed to wake up my parents, and they burst into the roo they could do to di inside my brain, an endless chain of intracranial firecrackers that , and I told myself--as I’ve told ets too bad, that consciousness is temporary, that this will pass But just like always, I didn’t slip away I was left on the shore with the waves washing overon the phone with the hospital, while I lay in the back withmade it worse All stimuli made it worse, actually

The only solution was to try to unain, to return to thewhen there was the Word, and to live in that vacuous uncreated space alone with the Word

People talk about the courage of cancer patients, and I do not deny that courage I had been poked and stabbed and poisoned for years, and still I trod on But make no mistake: In that moment, I would have been very, very happy to die

I woke up in the ICU I could tell I was in the ICU because I didn’t have , and because I was alone: They don’t let your family stay with you 24/7 in the ICU at Children’s because it’s an infection risk There ailing down the hall Somebody’s kid had died I was alone I hit the red call button

A nurse came in seconds later "Hi," I said

"Hello, Hazel I’m Alison, your nurse," she said

"Hi, Alison My Nurse," I said

Whereupon I started to feel pretty tired again But I woke up a bit whenmy face repeatedly, and I reached up for the hurt when I squeezed, and Mom and Dad told me that I did not have a brain tuenation, which was caused byin fluid, a liter and a half (!!!!) of which had been successfully drained froht discomfort in my side, where there was, hey look at that, a tube that went from my chest into a plastic bladder half full of liquid that for all the world rese to go hoet this drained every now and again and get back on the BiPAP, this nighttis But I’d had a total body PET scan on the first night in the hospital, they told rowth No new tuen pain Heart-working-too-hard pain

"Dr Maria said thisthat she remains optimistic," Dad said I liked Dr Maria, and she didn’t bullshit you, so that felt good to hear

"This is just a thing, Hazel,"we can live with"

I nodded, and then Alison My Nurse kind of politely made them leave She asked me if I wanted some ice chips, and I nodded, and then she sat at the bed with one a couple days," Alison said "Hs Politicians disagreed A different celebrity wore a bikini that revealed a bodily i event, but another tea on everybody like this, Hazel Youtoward the white Styrofoam cup in her hand

"I shouldn’t," she said, "but I’ave me another plastic spoonful of crushed ice Itired?" she asked I nodded "Sleep for a while," she said "I’ll try to run interference and give you a couple hours before somebody coain You say thanks a lot in a hospital I tried to settle into the bed "You’re not gonna ask about your boyfriend?" she asked

"Don’t have one," I told her

"Well, there’s a kid who has hardly left the waiting rooot here," she said

"He hasn’t seen me like this, has he?"

"No Family only"

I nodded and sank into an aqueous sleep

It would takeat acoustic ceiling tile and watching television and sleeping and pain and wishing for tiustus or anyone other than ait like a deh: Each sleep ended to reveal a person who seeular Dr Jim said for the thousandth ti surrounded by a coterie of, and hopefully we’ll get you hoo home on Wednesday On Wednesday, two minimally supervised etting stabbed in reverse and generally didn’t go very well, so they decided I’d have to stay until Thursday I was beginning to think that I was the subject of soratification when Dr Maria showed up on Friday ood to go

So Mom opened her oversize purse to reveal that she’d hadA nurse cah I still had the oxygen tank to carry around with me I went into the bathrooot out, I was so tired I had to lie down and get uess," I said after a minute I stood up and shuffled over to one of themy tank beneath the chair It wore ustus a fewdown over his forehead He lit up with a real Augustus Waters Goofy Smile when he saw me, and I couldn’t help but smile back He sat down in the blue faux-leather recliner next to ly incapable of stifling the smile

Mom and Dad left us alone, which felt aard I worked hard to h they were the kind of pretty that’s hard to look at "I ustus said

My voice was s to see me when I looked like hell"

"To be fair, you still look pretty bad"