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His secret was out His fun was over Maybe he would simply discardpast him

I turned and took a shaky breath

"I love this job," I said as calmly as possible I forced myself to meet Pam's eyes Worse than her usual steely stare was the concern I saw in her gaze "I have no reason to miss a day"

"No?" She smiled at me Fuck, I was ill equipped to deal with this friendly side of Pam I needed Pam the bitch, not Pa if she didn't quit with the soft eyes and concerned shMy reservoir of tears was by no ht" Pa about you yesterday He sounded very concerned In fact, he hung up on oodbye

My eyes stung I sed

"We got in touch," I said

Paer I wondered hownews to the literary world was that M Pierce had a na news toin ht," she said again, this ti tone The all-business façade fell back over her face "Today I need you to"

I listened I took notes I did my job

I went home, skipped dinner, and crashed

I woke and repeated my hollow routine

I won't say the pain inside of me dulled Rather, I came to expect it I even came to expect the fierce spikes of hurt I felt at random--when I saw my brother's Frisbee, when I saw a Lexus, when I heard a pop like fireworks

Anything could bring it on The smell of pine A warer's face

Soht I saw Matt in the city crowds

I would look and find a tall stranger heading to work

Chrissy tried to coerceMatt's car

"You knohat they look like, Hannah You knohere he parks them! Take a baseball bat to thatabout it, the pussy"

I winced and walked away

In spite of er and ht of hurting Matt galledthe articles about his life I couldn't stop the surge of sorrow I felt when I learned about his parents and his botched suicide, his stay in the psych ward and his descent into addiction

Matt My Matt I loved him, and I hated him

My family watched helplessly as my appetite dwindled I lost fifteen pounds On the weekends, I went to bed at ten and slept in until two

I couldn't stand to hear my own name Hannah, Hannah, Hannah

Matt used to say it constantly

He growled it, he moaned it, he whispered it He said it like a curse--like a plea

Hannah, oh fuck, Hannah

Hannah, never deny me

Hannah, I can't be apart from you

Promise Hannah, Promise Promise you'll be here no matter what

I couldn't stand to see ot a severe A-line haircut and began to straighten ilant concern becaot the condo in Denver and holed up I had no friends to see and no desire to go out anyway That bastard had been my life every day since I returned to Colorado

And that bastard was still ust rolled around and I hadn't seen him in four weeks

He was there because he wasn't there

How could I ative space

CHAPTER 21

Matt

MY LIFE IMPLODED on Monday

Hannah emailed me on Wednesday

To this day, I don't knohat I did on Tuesday It was the first of my lost days

I reread Hannah's email until I could recite it

Subject: (no subject)

Sender: Hannah Catalano

Date: Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Time: 7:20 PM

Matthew,

I'll try to keep this brief

You know I didn't come over on Monday, and you knohy By now you also knoon't answer your calls, texts, or e to contact me Please don't try to see me I want to tell you "it's over," but it never started, did it?

Against ency The purpose of this email is to ask you not to attempt to see me there I love and need the job

If you have any respect forme alone If you harass me at work, I'll have no choice but to quit Please don't ned the eer stretching between us