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24

AUDREY AND THE SQUIRREL PEOPLE

Charlie could hear things scurrying under the porch as he walked to the front door of the Buddhist center, but the weight of the enormous pistol he’d stuck down the back of his belt reassured hi his pants down a little The front door was nearly twelve feet tall, red, with reeded glass running the length, and there were arrays of colorful Tibetan prayer wheels, like spools, on either side of the door Charlie knehat they were because he’d once had a thief try to sell him some hot ones stolen from a temple

Charlie knew he should kick down the door, but then, it was a really big door, and although he had watched a lot of cop shows andhad been done, he was inexperienced himself Another option was to pull his pistol and blast the lock off the door, but he didn’t know any , so he decided to ring the doorbell

The scurrying noises increased and he could hear heavier footsteps inside The door swung open and the pretty brunette he knew as Elizabeth Sarkoff - Esther Johnson’s fake niece - stood in the doorway

"Why, Mr Asher, what a pleasant surprise"

It won’t be for long, sister, said his inner tough guy "Mrs Sarkoff, nice to see you What are you doing here?"

"I’m the receptionist Come in, come in"

Charlie stepped into the foyer, which opened up to a staircase and had sliding double doors on either side He could see that straight back the foyer led to a dining roo table, and beyond that a kitchen The house had been restored nicely, and didn’t really have the appearance of a public building

The inner tough guy said, Don’t try to run your game on me, floozy I’ve never hit a daht talk quick, I’ive it a try, see Charlie said, "I had no idea you were a Buddhist That’s fascinating How’s your Aunt Esther, by the way?" He had her now, didn’t even have to slap her around

"Still dead Thanks for asking, though What can I do for you, Mr Asher?"

The sliding door to the left of the man’s voice, said, "Master, we need you"

"I’ll be right there," said the alleged Mrs Sarkoff

"Master?" Charlie raised an eyebrow

"We hold receptionists in very high regard in the Buddhist tradition" She grinned, really big and goofy, like she didn’t even believe it herself Charlie was totally charhter and open surrender in her eyes Trust there, with no reason for it

"Good God, you’re a bad liar," he said

"Guess you could see right through rin

"So, you are?" Charlie offered his hand to shake

"I am the Venerable Amitabha Audrey Rinpoche" She bowed "Or just Audrey, if you’re in a hurry" She took two of Charlie’s fingers and shook them

"Charlie Asher," Charlie said "So you’re not really Mrs Johnson’s niece"

"And you’re not really a used-clothing dealer?"

"Well, actually - "

That’s all Charlie got out There was a crashing sound fro wood Then he saw the table go over in the next room and Minty Fresh screamed "Freeze!" as he leapt over the fallen table and headed toward theun in hand, oblivious, evidently, to the fact that he was seven feet tall and that the doorway, built in 1908, was only six feet eight inches high

"Stop," Charlie shouted, about a half second too late, as Minty Fresh drove four inches of forehead into some very nicely finished oak trim above the door with a thud that shook the whole house His feet continued on, his body swinging after, and at one point he was parallel to the floor, about six feet off the ground, when gravity decided to le clattered all the way through the foyer and hit the front door Minty Fresh landed flat and quite unconscious on the floor between Charlie and Audrey

"And this is my friend Minty Fresh," Charlie said "He doesn’t do this a lot"

"Boy, you don’t see that every day," said Audrey, looking down at the sleeping giant

"Yeah," Charlie said "I don’t knohere he found raw silk in reen"

"That’s not linen?" Audrey asked

"No, it’s silk"

"Hht it must be linen, or a blend"

"Well, I think uess so" Audrey nodded, then looked at Charlie "So - "

"Mr Asher" A woht slid open, and an older woman stood there: Irena Posokovanovich The last ti in the back of Rivera’s cruiser, in handcuffs

"Mrs PosokovMrs Posokovano - Irena! How are you?"

"You weren’t so concerned about that yesterday"

"No, I was I really was Sorry about that" Charlie s smile "I hope you don’t have that pepper spray with you"

"I don’t," Irena said

Charlie looked at Audrey "We had a littlea stun gun fro it to Charlie’s chest and sending a hundred and twenty-five thousand volts surging through his body He could see animals, or ani him as he convulsed in pain on the floor

"Get theuys," Audrey said "I’ll make tea"

Tea?" Audrey said

So, for the second time in his life, Charlie Asher found hie Audrey was bent over before hier of the situation, Charlie found hi down the front of her shirt

"What kind of tea?" Charlie asked, buying ti the cluster of tiny silk roses that perched happily at the front clasp of her bra

"I like rin "Weak and green"

Now Charlie looked into her eyes, which were sht hand is free," she said "But we had to take your gun and your sword-cane, because those things are frowned upon"

"You’re the nicest captor I’ve ever had," Charlie said, taking the teacup fro to say?" said Minty Fresh

Charlie looked to his right, where Minty Fresh was tied to a chair that e at a child’s tea party - his knees were up near his chin and one of his wrists was taped near the floor Souely like a tareat captor, too, don’t get "

"Tea, Mr Fresh?" Audrey said

"Do you have coffee?"

"Back in a second," Audrey said She left the room

They’d been moved to one of the rooms off the foyer, Charlie couldn’t tell which Itits day, but it had been converted into a combination office and reception roo cabinets, and an array of older oak office chairs for working and waiting

"I think she likes me," Charlie said

"She has you taped to a chair," Minty Fresh said, pulling at the tape around his ankles with his free hand The ice pack fell off his head and hit the floor with a loud thump

"I didn’t notice how attractive she hen I et free, please?" Minty said

"Can’t," Charlie said "Tea" He held up his cup

Clicking noises by the door They looked up as four little bipeds in silk and satin scauana, the hands of a raccoon, and was dressed like a -feathered hat and all, dreord and poked Minty Fresh in the hand he was using to pull at the duct tape

"Ow, daet loose," Charlie said

The iguana guy saluted Charlie with a flourish of his sword and pointed to the end of his snout with his free hand, as if to say, On the nose, buddy

"So," Audrey said, entering the roo a tray with Minty’s coffee, "I see you’ve met the squirrel people"

"Squirrel people?" Charlie asked

A little lady with a duck’s face and reptilian hands wearing a purple satin evening gown curtsied to Charlie, who nodded back

"That’s e call them," Audrey said "Because the first few I made had squirrel faces and hands, but then I ran out of squirrel parts and they got more baroque"

"They’re not creatures of the Underworld?" Charlie said "You ar, Mr Fresh?"

"Please," Minty said "You make these monsters?"

All four of the little creatures turned to him at once and leaned back, as if to say, Hey, pal, who are you calling monsters

"They’re not monsters, Mr Fresh The squirrel people are as human as you are"

"Yeah, except they have better fashion sense," Charlie said

"I’ to be taped to this chair, Asher," Minty said "Woman, who or what the hell are you?"

"Be nice," Charlie said

"I suppose I should explain," Audrey said

"Ya think?" Minty said