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17

WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?

The next irlfriend Cassie heard someone in the hall and opened the door Charlie stood there, covered in blood, black goo, and s of sandalwood and almond oil; he had a cut over his ear, blood crusted in his nose, the front of his pants were in shreds, and there were tiny black feathers stuck to him everywhere

"Why, Charlie," she said, somewhat surprised, "it appears that I underestiet your freak on, you do not mess around"

"Shower," Charlie said

"Daddy!" Sophie called fro out with ars and a lesbian aunt in Brooks Brothers Halfway across the living roo out of the room in terror

Jane pulled up by the couch and stared "Jesus, Chuck, what’d you do, try to fuck a leopard?"

"So like that," Charlie said He stuh his bedroom to theto keep her set out ht that news should couns suck, I can tell you that," said Babd, the most recent of the three death divas to reat froive el," said Macha, who had her claws up inside Madison McKerny’s severed head and orking the mouth like a hand puppet

"It’s your own fault," scolded Nemain She had one of Madison McKerny’s silicone i to it - and was pressing it to Babd’s wounds to heal thelow in the i the power in these And after waiting years to get another soul?"

Babd sighed "I suppose in retrospect the hand job wasn’t such a great idea"

"I suppose the hand job wasn’t such a great idea," mocked Macha’s hand puppet

"I did that on the battlefields of the North, what, ten thousand ti warrior - just seeood at it, you know It takes a powerful touch to keep a soldier hard when his guts are running between his fingers"

"She is good at it," said Orcus "I’ll vouch for that" He leaned back on his throne to display three feet of black, bull death-wood to show his enthusiasm

"Not now, I just didits eyes bug out with her claws so it appeared that the dead girl was iious unit

They all snickered She’d had Orcus and her Morrigan sisters giggling allthe i the head above them "Of course they’re real, he really paid for the the soul vessels out of the fuck puppet’s grave, that victory even overshadowing Babd’s failure to kill the Death Merchant But as the light ebbed out of the implants, their ainst the bulkhead of the ship and it exploded and spattered the roorowled "We will take the Above, and I will eat his liver while he watches"

"What is it with you and eating livers?" Babd said "I hate liver"

"Patience, Princesses," said Orcus as he weighed the re to this place, for this battle, a few ather our force will but make the victory sweeter" He snatched the head away from Macha and took a bite out of it as if it were a crisp, ripe pluh," he said, spraying bits of brain at Babd

I’ve got us on a flight to Phoenix at two," Jane said "We connect there to a commuter and we’re in Sedona by suppertime"

Charlie had just come out of the shower and wore only a pair of fresh jeans He was drying his hair with a beige towel, leaving red streaks on it fro scalp He sat down on the bed

"Wait, wait, wait How long has she known?"

"They diagnosed her six o It had already spread froans"

"And she waited until now to tell us"

"She didn’t tell us A guy naether He said she didn’t want us to worry He broke down on the phone"

"Mo at the red stripes on the towel He’d been up all night, trying to explain to Inspector Rivera what had happened in the alley, without actually telling hi, battered, exhausted, and his"I can’t believe her She flipped when Rachel moved in before erea hypocrite when you see her tonight"

"I can’t go, Jane I have the store, and Sophie - she’s too little for soot the shop covered Cassandra atch Sophie overnight and the Coets ho with you?"

"Charlie, Mom still refers to hed He was nostalgic for the days when Jane was the freak in the fa to try to reconcile that with her?"

"I don’t know I don’t really have a plan I don’t even know if she’s lucid I’ve been on autopilot since I heard I aiting for you to get home so I could fall apart"

Charlie stood up, went to his sister, and put his arot it froed hio hoet you, okay?"

"I’ll be ready" He shook his head "I can’t believe Mouy nahed, which is all that Charlie wanted right then

Lois Asher was sleeping when Charlie and Jane arrived at her ho Bermuda shorts and a safari shirt let them in: Buddy He sat at the kitchen table with Charlie and Jane, and professed his love for their mother, told them about his own life as an aircraft mechanic in Illinois before he retired, then recited a play-by-play of what they had done since Lois had been diagnosed She’d gone through three courses of cheiven in Charlie and Jane looked at each other, feeling guilty that they hadn’t been there to help

"She didn’t want to bother you two," Buddy said "She’s been acting like dying was so she could do in her spare time, between hair appointments"

Charlie snapped to attention That was the kind of thing he’d thought to hi a soul vessel and had seen people ere so far in denial about as happening to the five-year calendars

"Wo at Jane

Charlie suddenly felt a great wave of affection for this sunburned little bald guy who hishere for her, Buddy"

"Yeah" Jane nodded, still looking a little dazed

"Well, I’, and then some, if you need me"

"Thanks," Charlie said "We will" And they would, because it was i on hi as he felt he was needed

"Buddy," said a soft fe, thirtyish wo wo to deliver thenity and even joy as they could gather - benevolent Valkyries, ht, they were - and as Charlie watched them at work, he saw that rather than become detached from, or callous to their job, they became involved with every patient and every farieve with a hundred different fa part in an intensity of emotion that most people would feel only a few ti them over the years hada Death Merchant It ht be a curse on him, but ulti, and the transcendence in serving, and the hospice workers had taught hi read GRACE Charlie smiled

"Buddy," she said "She’s awake and she’s asking for you"

Charlie stood "Grace, I’m Charlie, Lois’s son This is my sister, Jane"

"Oh, she talks about you two all the time"

"She does?" said Jane, a tad surprised

"Oh yes She tells me you were quite the tomboy," Grace said "And you - " she said to Charlie "You used to be nice but then so happened"

"I learned to talk," Charlie said

"That’s when I stopped liking him," Jane said

Lois Asher was propped in a nest of pilloearing a perfectly coiffed gray wig tied back in the style she had alorn her real hair, a silver squash-blossohtgown that blended so ith the Southwestern decor of the bedroo to disappear into her surroundings And she did, except the space she’d er than she now required There was a gap between the wig and her scalp, her nightgown hung alles It was clear to Charlie that she hadn’t actually been sleeping when they’d arrived, but had sent Buddy out with the excuse to give Grace tie her for presentation to her children

Charlie noticed that the squash-blossoown and he felt a long, sad sigh rise in his chest He hugged his mother and could feel the bones in her back and shoulders, as delicate and fragile as a bird’s Jane tried to fight down a sob as soon as she saw her ed only to produce what sounded like a painful snort She fell to her knees at her mother’s bedside

Charlie kneas perhaps the stupidest question one could ask the dying, yet he asked: "How are you doing, Mom?"

She patted his hand "I could use an old-fashioned Buddy won’t let me have any alcohol, since I can’t keep it down You met Buddy?"

"He seeood to me We’re just friends, you know"

Charlie looked across the bed at Jane, who raised her eyebrows

"It’s okay, we know you guys are living together," Charlie said

"Living together? Me? What do you take ht as if she was shooing a fly "And how is that little Jewish girl of yours, Charlie?"

"Sophie? She’s doing great, Mom"

"No, that’s not it"

"What’s not it?"

"It wasn’t Sophie, it was soood for you, really"

"You’re thinking of Rachel, Moo, remember?"

"Well, you can’t blame her, can you? You were such a sweet little boy, then I don’t knohat happened to you Do you rehter "And what about you, Jane, have you found yourself a nicefor Mr Right," Jane said, giving Charlie the "we’ve got to get away and have an e" head toss that she had practiced around their ht back We can call Sophie and talk to her then, okay?"

"Who’s Sophie?" Lois asked

"She’s your granddaughter, Mom You remember, beautiful little Sophie?"

"Don’t be silly, Charles, I’randmother"

Outside the bedroom Jane fuarettes, but couldn’t figure out whether to smoke one or not "Holy Motown Jesus with Pips, what the fuck is going on in there?"

"She’s got a lot of morphine in her, Jane Did you s to take the poisons out of her body that her kidneys and liver would nor to shut down, itto her brain"

"How do you know that?"

"I’ve read about it Look, she never lived in reality completely, you know that? She hated the shop and hated Dad’s work, even though it supported her She hated his collecting, even though she was just as bad And the thing with Buddy not living here - she’s trying to reconcile who she’s always thought she ho she really is"

"Is that why I still want to punch her lights out?" Jane said "That’s wrong, isn’t it?"

"Well, I suppose - "

"I’ of cancer and I want to punch her lights out"

Charlie put his ar her toward the front door so she could go outside and smoke "Don’t be so hard on yourself," he said "You’re doing the sa to reconcile all the moms that Mom ever was - the one you wanted, the one she hen you needed her and she was there, the one she hen she didn’t understand Most of us don’t live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we’re a whole bunch of selves When sorate into the soul - the essence of e are, beyond the different faces ear throughout our lives You’re just hating the selves you’ve always hated, and loving the ones you’ve always loved It’s bound to mess you up"

Jane stopped and stepped back fro you up?"

"I don’t know Maybe because of what I went through with Rachel"

"So you think that when someone dies suddenly like that, that this face-reconciliation thing happens?"

"I don’t know I don’t think it’s a conscious process Maybe more for you than for Mos right before she’s gone, and it’s frustrating"

"So what happens if she doesn’t integrate all that before she dies What happens if I don’t?"

"I think you get another chance"

"Really? Like reincarnation? What about Jesus and stuff?"

"I think that there’s a lot of stuff that’s not in the book In any of the books"

"Where’s this coot the ia with a with you because I’m not bendy, not because I’otten to the door, and when Charlie pulled it open it erator door makes When they stepped out onto the front porch he realized why, as a wave of hundred-and-ten-degree heat hit them

"Jeez, did you accidentally open the door to hell?" Jane said "I don’t need to set inside" She shoved him inside and closed the door "That’s heinous Why would someone live in this climate?"

"I’ain or not?"

"I didn’t really," Jane said "I just have one when I’ your nose at Death Haven’t you ever felt like doing that?"

"You have no idea," Charlie said

With Charlie and Jane there, they sent the hospice nurse hoave his mother her medication, wiped her mouth, fed her what little she would take in, but by now she wassips of water or apple juice, and he listened as she las, as she rereat beauty, the belle of the ball at parties before he was born, an object of desire, which clearly she loveda wife or a mother or any of the dozen other faces she had worn in her life Sometimes she would actually turn her attention to her son

"I loved you as a little boy I would take you to caf��s in North Beach and everyone would just dote on you You were so sweet Beautiful Both of us were"

"I know"

"Remember e duet the prize out? A little submarine, I think? Do you remember?"

"I remember, Mom"

"We were close then"

"Yeah, ere"

Charlie would take her hand then and let her rereat ti passed for correcting facts and changing impressions

When she exhausted herself he let her sleep, and read by a flashlight sitting in the chair at her bedside He was there, in thea criht man of about fifty crept into the room, stopped by the door, and looked around He wore sneakers and black jeans, a long-sleeved black T-shirt - but for the oversized wire-frarenade and a survival knife fro like someone on a commando mission

"Just be quiet," Charlie said softly "She’s sleeping"

The little ht up about two feet and ca hard and Charlie was afraid he ht faint if he didn’t relax

"It’s okay It’s in the top drawer of that dresser over there - it’s a squash-blossom necklace Take it"

The little e "You can see ot up from the chair, and went to the dresser

"Oh, this is bad This is really, really bad"

"It’s not that bad," Charlie said

The little man shook his head violently "No, it’s really bad Look away Look over there I’m not here I’m not here You can’t see me"

"Here it is," Charlie said He took the squash-blossom necklace from its velvet case in the drawer and held it up

"What is?"