Page 16 (1/2)

16

THE CALL OF BOOTY II: REQUIEM FOR A FUCK PUPPET

Ray threw the door open so hard that the little bell went flying off its holder and tinkled across the floor

"Oh, jeez," Ray said "You won’t believe it I can’t believe it lasses and set down the French cookbook she’d been looking at She didn’t really need reading glasses, but looking over the top of them conveyed instant condescension and disdain, a look that she felt flattered her

"I have so I need to tell you, too," Lily said

"No," Ray said, looking around to make sure there were no customers in the store "What I have to tell you is really important"

"Okay," Lily said "Mine’s not that io first"

"Okay" Ray took a deep breath and launched "I think Charlie ood," Lily said "Okay, my turn A Miss Me-So-Horny called for you She wanted you to know that she’s packing eight inches of luscious man-meat" Lily held up Ray’s cell phone, which he’d left under the register

"Oh ain!" Ray cradled his head in his hands and fell against the counter

"She said she was eager to share it with you" Lily examined her nails "So, Asher’s a ninja, huh?"

Ray looked up "Yes, and he’s stalking a fuck puppet froh fantasy life, Ray?"

"Shut up, Lily, this is a disaster My job and my apartment depend on Charlie, not to uy"

"No, she’s not" Lily wondered about herself, giving in so early - she didn’t enjoy torturing Ray the way she used to

"Huh? What?"

"I’m just fuckin’ with you, Ray She didn’t call I read all of your e-mail and IMs"

"That stuff is private"

"Which is why you have it all here on the store’s computer?"

"I spend a lot of ti of privacy, what’s the deal with Asher being a ninja and a serial killer? I mean, both? At the same time?"

Raya huge conspiracy "I’ve been watching hi in a lot of stuff froone on for years But he’s always having to take off on aoing, except soon after that happens, one of the dead people’s things shows up in the shop So today I followed hiht have seen the other day"

Lily stepped back, crossed her arusted with Ray, which was fairly easy, since she’d had years of practice "Ray, did it occur to you that Asher handles estates, and that we’ve been doingher? Probably because he gets there early?"

"I know, but that’s not it You’re not around as s For one thing, did you know that there was a hoht Gaveunusual happened"

"No, Ray, you didn’t"

"Charlie disappeared, Lily I atching hiht beforeinto the fuck puppet’s building"

Lily wanted to grab the stapler off the counter and rapidly drive about a hundred staples into Ray’s shiny forehead "You ungrateful fucktard! You called the cops on Asher? The guy who has given you a job and a place to live for what, ten years?"

"I didn’t call the black-and-whites, just this Inspector Rivera I know him from when I was on the force He’ll keep it on the do"

"Go get your checkbook and your car," Lily barked "We’re going to bail him out"

"He probably hasn’t even been processed yet," Ray said

"Ray, you pathetic toss-beast Go I’ll close up the store and wait for you out front"

"Lily, you can’t talk to me that way I don’t have to put up with it"

Because he couldn’t turn his head, Ray wasn’t able to avoid the first two staples Lily put in his forehead, but by then he had decided it was best to go get his checkbook and his car, and backed away

"What’s a fuck puppet, anyway?" Lily shouted after him, somewhat surprised at the violent intensity of her loyalty to Charlie

The policewoerprinted Charlie nine times before she looked up at Inspector Alphonse Rivera and said, "This erprints"

Rivera took Charlie’s hand and turned it palht there He’s got coerprints"

"Well, you do it, then," said the woot on the card is smooth"

"Fine, then," Rivera said "Co ruler painted on it and told him to face a camera

"How’s my hair?" Charlie said

"Don’t smile"

Charlie frowned

"Don’t ht ahead and - your hair is fine, though now you’ve got ink on your forehead This is not that hard, Mr Asher, criminals do this all the time"

"I’m not a cri and harassed a young woman, thatand I didn’t harass anyone"

"We’ll see Ms McKerny said you threatened her life She’s definitely going to press charges, and if you ask me, you’re both lucky I showed up when I did"

Charlie wondered about that The fuck puppet had started screa and backed into her apart to figure out how this was going to work, and at the sa way too much attention to her breasts

"I didn’t threaten her"

"You said she was going to die Today"

Well, they had hi, et hold of her breasts because she was going to die today In retrospect, he felt he probably should have kept that information to himself

Rivera led him upstairs and into a small room with a table and two chairs Just like on TV, Charlie looked for a one-way mirror but was disappointed to see only concrete-block walls painted in easy-clean reen enamel Rivera had hi to leave you here for a few es It’sto drink?"

Charlie shook his head "Should I call an attorney?"

"It’s up to you, Mr Asher That’s certainly your right, but I can’t advise you one way or another I’ll be back in five You can make your call then if you’d like"

Rivera left the rooruff, bald-headed bull of a guy nauy actually scared Charlie Not asto retrieve Madison McKerny’s breast implants, or ould happen if he didn’t, but still scary

Cut hiot him processed, the McKerny wouys responded to the shots-fired call, did himself"

"What?"

"Boyfriend wasto tell the wife He flipped out"

"You know all that already?"

"Her neighbor told the uniforms as soon as they arrived Couy loose Ray Macy and so for hiht Asher was going to kill her"

"I know Right crio"

"We still have hie"

"A cane with a sword in it? What, you want to go before a judge and tell hi a serial killer but he plea-bargained it down to being a huge fucking nerd?"

"Okay, I’ll cut hiuy told McKerny that she was going to die today There’s soh weird shit to deal with already?"

"Good point," Rivera said

Madison McKerny looked beautiful in her beige silk dress, her hair and s and a platinum-diamond solitaire necklace complemented the silver handles of her walnut-burl casket For so, especially for Charlie, as the only one who could see her hooters pulsing red in the casket

Charlie hadn’t been to a lot of funerals, but Madison McKerny’s seemed nice, and fairly well attended for someone who had been only twenty-six It turned out that Madison had grown up in Mill Valley, just outside San Francisco, so a lot of people had known her Evidently, except for her family, most of them had lost touch and seeunned down by her married boyfriend who had kept her in an expensive apartment in the city

"Not like you vote ’most likely’ for that in the yearbook," Charlie said, trying to uy he’d ended up standing next to at the urinals in the uy, a condescending tone in his voice He looked like he’d been voted " nice hair"

"Oh, room," Charlie said He zipped up and headed to the sink before hair guy could think of so to say

Charlie was surprised to see a few people at the funeral whom he knew, and each time he walked away from one, he’d run into another

First Inspector Rivera, who lied "Had to cootten to know the fayht I should pay my respects"

Then Rivera’s partner, Cavuto, who didn’t lie "I still think you’re kinky, and that goes for your ex-cop friend, too"

And Lily, as also honest "I wanted to see a dead fuck puppet"

"Who’s running the store?" Charlie asked

"Closed Death in the faht?"

They hadn’t had a chance to talk since Charlie had been released "I should’ve figured," Charlie said

"He said he saw you go into the dead chick’s building and just disappear He thinks you have ninja powers That part of the thing?" She bounced her eyebrows - a Groucho Marx conspiracy bounce - made less effective by the fact that her eyebroere pencil thin and drawn on inRay doesn’t suspect about the thing, does he?"

"No, I covered for you But he still thinks you ht be a serial killer"

Lily shuddered "God, you guys need to get laid"

"True, but right now I’"

"You still haven’t gotten her thing thing?"

"I can’t even figure out how to get it Her thing is still in the thing" He nodded to the casket

"You’re fucked," Lily said

"We have to go sit now," Charlie said He led her into the chapel, where the service was beginning

Behind hi three feet aith his back to Charlie, made a beeline for his partner and said, "Can we just shoot Asher and find cause later? I’ to deserve it"

Charlie didn’t knohat he was going to do, hoas going to retrieve the soul i would occur to him Some supernatural ability would h the cere the funeral procession to the cean to lose hope as the mourners dispersed and the casket was lowered, and by the ti dirt down the hole with a backhoe, he’d pretty , but that really wasn’t an idea, was it? And even with his years of experience in the death-dealing business, Charlie didn’t think he was up for breaking into a ce the implants out of a dead wo a vase off the mantel Why couldn’t Madison McKerny’s soul be in a vase on the , then," said a voice beside hi not a foot away He hadn’t even seen hi?"

"Yeah, what thing?" Rivera said "They didn’t bury her with those diaht?"

"That would have been a shaot them," Rivera said "You know, Charlie, most people don’t stay to watch them actually cover the box"

"Really?" Charlie said "I was just curious See if they used shovels or what How about you?"

"Me? I’ with the storm sewers?"

"Oh, that? I just needed a little adjustment in my medication" It was an expression that Charlie had picked up from Jane She wasn’t actually on medication, but the excuse seemed to work for her

"Well, you keep an eye on that, Charlie And I’ll keep an eye on you Adios" Rivera walked off

"Adios, Inspector," Charlie said "Hey, by the way, nice suit"

"Thanks, I bought it fro around

When was he in ht