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THE CALL OF BOOTY
Fuck puppets," Ray said out of nowhere
He was on the stair-cli and staring at a row of six, perfectly tuned female bottoms aimed at them from the machines in front of them
"What was that?" Charlie said
"Fuck puppets," Ray said "That’s what they are"
Ray had talked Charlie into co hile Actually, because Ray was an ex-cop, watched people more closely than really was healthy, had too et out much himself, the real reason he asked Charlie to coet to know hie pattern that had developed since Rachel’s death, of Charlie showing up with people’s property shortly after their obituary appeared in the paper Because Charlie kept to himself socially and was secretive about what he did when he was out of the shop, not to mention all the little animals that ended up dead in Charlie’s apartht be a serial killer Ray decided to try to get close to his boss and find out for sure
"Keep your voice down, Ray," Charlie said "Jeez" Since Ray couldn’t turn his head, he was talking right at the wole one has on a headset" He was right, every one of the on a cell phone "You and I are invisible to the actually been invisible to people, or nearly so, Charlie did a double take It was ym was full of lean spandex-clad woe breasts, perfect skin, and expensive hair, who seeh him the way that everyone did when he was in pursuit of a soul vessel In fact, when he and Ray had first coy red, thinking that he
"After I was shot I dated a physical therapist that worked here for a while," Ray said "She called them that: fuck puppets Every one of the for - just like he paid for the health-clubfacials and hts under some suit out of his suit"
Charlie ildly unco about these women ere only a couple of feet away Like any Beta Male, he would have been wildly uncomfortable in the presence of so many beautiful women anyway, but this made it worse
"So like they’re like trophy wives?" Charlie said
"Nuh-uh, like wannabe trophy wives They don’t get the guy, the house, whatever They just exist to be his perfect piece of ass"
"Fuck puppets?" Charlie said
"Fuck puppets," said Ray "But forget theht, of course They weren’t why Charlie was there Five years had passed since Rachel’s death, and everyone had been telling hiareed to accoym Because Charlie spent too much time on his own, especially since Sophie had started school, and because he’d been hiding a secret identity and avocation, he’d started to suspect that everyone ht have one And since Ray kept to hihborhood who had died, and because he really didn’t seem to have a social life beyond the Filipino woht be a serial killer Charlie thought he’d try to get closer to Ray and find out
"So they’re like mistresses?" Charlie said "Like in Europe?"
"I suppose," Ray said "But did you ever get the iood? I think fuck puppet is et too old to hold the attention of their guy, they’ve got nothingThey’ll be done, like s"
"Jeez, Ray, that’s harsh" Maybe Ray is stalking one of these woed
Charlie looked up and down the line of perfect derrieres, then felt the weight of his years alone or in the cos, and said, "I want a fuck puppet"
Aha! thought Ray He’s picking a victiet fuck puppets, Charlie We just get ignored by theht The bitter sociopath coht eous women ouldn’t notice?"
"No, the fuck puppets are fun to look at, but there’s some normal women who coht
"Who won’t talk to you either," Charlie said Because they can tell that you are a psychokiller
"We’ll see in the juice bar after our workout," Ray said Where I’ll sit at an angle so I can watch you pick your victiht
Charlie awoke to find not one, but three new names in his date book, and the last one, a Madison McKerny, had only three days for him to retrieve her soul vessel Charlie kept a stack of newspapers in the house and, typically, would go back for afor an obituary of his new client More often, if the hellhounds would give him some peace, he would simply wait for the nao find the soul vessel when it was easy to get into the house, withas an estate buyer But this time he had only three days, and Madison McKerny hadn’t appeared in the obituaries, so that meant she was probably still alive, and he couldn’t find her in the phone book either, so he was going to need to getand Mrs Korjev liked to do theiron Saturdays, so he called his sister, Jane, and asked her to come watch Sophie
"I want a baby brother," Sophie announced to her Auntie Jane
"Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry, you can’t have a baby brother, because that wouldto happen again"
"Jane, don’t talk to her that way," Charlie said He was ot stuckthe sandwiches To Sophie, he said, "Honey, why don’t you go in your room and play with Alvin and Mohammed, Daddy needs to talk with Auntie Jane"
"Okay," Sophie said, skipping off to her rooain, those are fine," Charlie said "That’s the fourth outfit she’s had on today," he said to Jane "She changes clothes like you change girlfriends"
"Ouch Be gentle, Chuck, I’m sensitive and I can still kick your ass"
Charlie spanked some mayonnaise onto a whole wheat slice to shoas serious "Jane, I’m not sure it’s healthy for her to have all these different aunties around She’s already had a hard ti her mother, and now you’veattached to these women only to have them yanked out of her life She needs a consistent female influence"
"First, I have not moved away, I’ve moved across town, and I see her every bit as often as when I lived in the building Second, it’s not like I’m promiscuous, I’m just shitty at relationships Third, Cassie and I have been together for threefine so far, which is why I’ve moved out And fourth, Sophie did not lose her mother, she never had herto be a decent huet laid"
"That’s what I mean, you can’t talk like that in front of Sophie"
"Charlie, it’s true! Even Sophie can see it She doesn’t even knohat it is and she can tell that you’re not getting any"
Charlie stopped constructing sandwiches and came over to the counter "It’s not sex, Jane It’s hu my hair cut the other day and the hairdresser’s breast rubbed against my shoulder and I almost came Then I almost cried"
"Sounds like sex to me, little brother Have you been with anyone since Rachel died?"
"You know I haven’t"
"That’s wrong Rachel wouldn’t want that for you You have to know that I mean she took pity on you and hooked up with you, and that couldn’t have been easy for her, knowing she could do so much better"
"Took pity onShe was a soman, and you’re much more pitiful now than you were then You had s the size of Volvos Hell, there’s probably some order of nuns that would do you now, just as a holy act of mercy Or penance"
"Stop it, Jane"
"The Sisters of Perpetual Nookiless Suffering"
"I’m not that bad," Charlie said
"The Holy Order of Saint Bonny of the BJ, patron saint of Web porn and incurable wankers"
"Okay, Jane, I’irlfriends I was out of line"
Jane leaned back on her bar stool and crossed her ar satisfied but skeptical "But the problem remains"
"I’m fine I have Sophie and I have the business, I don’t need a girlfriend"
"A girlfriend? A girlfriend is too ambitious for you You just need someone to have sex with"
"I do not"
"Yes, you do"
"Yes, I do," Charlie said, defeated "But I have to go Are you okay to watch Sophie?"
"Sure, I’hbor up the street that I’d like to introduce to the puppies Will they poop on command?"
"They will if Sophie tells theht Promise me you’ll ask someone out Or at least look for soet that new blue pinstripe tailored yet?"