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6

VARIABLE SPEED HEROES

In the alley behind Asher’s Secondhand, the Emperor of San Francisco hand-fed olive focaccia to the troops and tried to keep dog snot fro his breakfast

"Patience, Bu at the day-old wheel of flat bread like a furry Super Ball, while Lazarus, the sole for his share Bu snot) He’d worked up a furious appetite because breakfast was running late today The E the night his arthritic knee had snaked out of his wool overcoat into the da the walk to North Beach and the Italian bakery that gave theroaned and sat down on an e bear of athe weight of the city A white tangle of hair and beard wreathed his face like a storm cloud As far as he could remember, he and the troops had patrolled the city streets forever, but upon further consideration, it ht have just been since Wednesday He wasn’t entirely sure

The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to the troops about the i tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States (He found his audience was most attentive to his proclamations when the meat-laced focaccia were still nuzzled in the larder of his overcoat pockets, and presently a pepperoni and Parrant in the woolly depths, so the royal hounds were rapt) But just as he cleared his throat to begin, a cargo van ca around the corner, went up on theels as it plowed through a row of garbage cans, and slid to a stop not fifty feet away The driver’s-side door flew open and a thina cane and a woman’s fur coat, and made a beeline for the back door of Asher’s But before he got two steps the man fell to the concrete as if hit fro at the air with the cane and the coat The Enized Charlie Asher

Bu, but the rowled once and took off toward Charlie

"Lazarus!" the Eed on, followed now by his bug-eyed brother in ar the cane as if he was fencing with so on the street, the E with unseen de soainst what appeared to be thin air - but no, there was so there, a shadow of some sort?

The Emperor cliot two steps Lazarus had leapt and appeared to be attacking Charlie, but he soared over the shopkeeper and snapped at a spot above his head - then hung there, his jaws sunk into the substantial neck of thin air

Charlie took advantage of the distraction, stepped back, and swung the cane above the levitating golden retriever There was a so, but now Bummer launched himself at the invisible foe He y swish shot into a garbage can

Charlie ain, but found it locked, and as he reached for his keys, soo, fuckface," the shade screeched

The fur coat Charlie was holding appeared to be swept out of his hand and was pulled straight up, over the four-story building and out of sight

Charlie turned and held the cane at ready, but whatever had been there seeone now

"Aren’t you just supposed to sit above the door and nevermore and be poetic and stuff?!" he shouted at the sky Then, for good measure, added, "You evil fuck!"

Lazarus barked, then whined A sharp and e can

"Well, you don’t see that every day," said the Emperor as he limped up to Charlie

"You could see that?"

"Well, no, not really Merely a shadow, but I could see that so there, wasn’t there, Charlie?"

Charlie nodded, trying to catch his breath "It will be back It followedinto his pocket for his keys "You guys should duck into the store with me, Your Majesty" Of course Charlie knew the Emperor Every San Franciscan knew the Emperor

The Emperor smiled "That’s very kind of you, but ill be perfectly safe For now I need to freeand tossing his head as if ready to tear the ass out of any h to cross hih or shorter)

Charlie was still having trouble with the key He knew he should have had the lock replaced, but it worked, if you finessed it a little, so he’d never ht you’d ever have to get in quick to escape a giant bird? Then he heard a screech and turned to see not one, but two huge ravens cos arfed a frantic barking salvo at the avian intruders and Charlie put sothe key in the lock that he felt an atrophied dancing muscle tear in his hip

"They’re back Cover me" Charlie threw the cane to the Emperor and braced himself for the impact, but as soon as the cane touched the old one You could al the space they had taken up The dogs caught themselves in mid-ruff; Bummer whione"

The Emperor looked at the sky "You’re sure?"

"For now"

"I sao shadows Really saw them this time," the Emperor said

"Yes, there were two this time"

"What are they?"

"I have no idea, but when you took the cane they - well, they disappeared You really saw them?"

"I’m sure of it Like smoke with a purpose"

Finally the key turned in the lock and the door to Asher’s back roo open "You should co to eat"

"No, no, the men and I must be on our rounds I’ve decided toand we need to see the printer You’ll be needing this" The E over a sword of the realht better of it "Your Majesty, I think you’d better keep that It looks as if you ht be able to use it" Charlie nodded toward the Emperor’s creaky knee

The Emperor held the cane steady "I am not a worshiper of the material, you know?"

"I understand that"

"I am a firm believer that desire is the source of , you’re aware, and no culprit is ain"

"I run my business based on those very principles Still, I insist you keep the cane - as a favor tothe Emperor’s formal speech patterns, as if somehow he had been transported to a royal court where a nobleuished by bread cru their balls

"Well, as a favor, I will accept It is a fine piece of craftsmanship"

"But ood time"

The Emperor now betrayed the desire in his heart as he let fly a wide grin and hugged the cane to his chest "It is fine, indeed Charlie, I rant me the credulity due a iant, raven-shaped shades"

"Of course" Charlie sht his smile lost somewhere in the months past

"I hope you won’t think me base, but the second I touched this, I felt as if I had been waiting for it my whole life"

Then, for no reason that he could think of, Charlie said, "I know"

A fewIt wasn’t her general brood, the reaction to a world where everyone was stupid and life waswas futile, especially if your et coffee at the store This one was a more specific brood, that had started out when she arrived at work and Ray had pointed out that it was her turn to wear the vacuu tiara, and insisted that if she wore the tiara, she actually vacuu the rhinestone tiara that Charlie, in a nated be worn by whoever did the vacuu each day, and no other ti she objected to She felt e of, and not in the fun way) But today, after she’d put the tiara and the vacuuotten a couple of cups of coffee in her systest, when it began to dawn on her that she was going to have to figure out this college-career thing, because despite what The Great Big Book of Death said, she had not been chosen as a dark minion of destruction Fuck!

She stood in the back roo at all the items that Charlie had piled there the day before: shoes, laures, toys, a couple of books, and an old black-and-white television and a painting of a clown on black velvet

"He said this stuff was glowing?" she asked Ray, who stood in the doorway to the store

"Yes He er counter"

"Ray, why the fuck do you have a Geiger counter?"

"Lily, why do you have a nose stud shaped like a bat?"

Lily ignored the question and picked up the ceraht before, which now had a note taped to it that read DO NOT SELL OR DISPLAY in Charlie’s s? This?"

"That was the first one he freaked out about," said Ray matter-of-factly "The truant officer tried to buy it That started it all"

Lily was shaken She backed over to Charlie’s desk and sat in the squeaky oak swivel chair "Do you see anything glowing or pulsating, Ray? Have you ever?"

Ray shook his head "He’s under a lot of stress, losing Rachel and taking care of the baby I think et some help I know after I had to leave the force - " Ray paused

There was a co and people shouting, then so a key in the lock of the back door A second later, Charlie caed here and there with grime, one sleeve of his jacket torn and bloodstained

"Asher," Lily said "You’re hurt" She quickly vacated his chair while Ray took Charlie by the shoulders and sat hi deal"

"I’ll get the first-aid kit," Ray said "Get that jacket off of hi about me like I’ to pry Charlie out of his jacket "Do you have any painkillers, Ray?"

"I don’t need painkillers," Charlie said

"Shut up, Asher, they’re not for you," Lily said, automatically, then she considered the book, Ray’s story, the notes on all the items in the back rooht not be the hapless geek she always thought him to be "Sorry, boss Let us help you"

Ray came back from the front with a small plastic first-aid kit He peeled back Charlie’s sleeve and began to clean the wounds with gauze and peroxide "What happened?"

"Nothing," Charlie said "I slipped and fell in soravel in it That hed "Ouch!"

"What was all the noise in the alley?" Lily asked, needing badly to go smoke, but unable to pull herself away She just couldn’t iine that Charlie Asher was the one How could it be him? He was so, so, unworthy He didn’t understand the dark underbelly of life the way she did Yet he was the one seeing the glowing objects He was it She was crestfallen

"Just the E deal I fell off a porch in Pacific Heights"