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Chapter Twenty-three

Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal:

The Hunted

Apparently I am the Hunted, which, I want to note here, I am totally not qualified for Here I sit, perched in the rafters (I think these things are rafters) of the Oakland Bay Bridge like a crippled night bird, waiting for doo, to wrench the very limbs from my delicate body So that sucks

Fortunately I have some sustenance until my Dark Lord and Lady rise fro ass I know I should be eating bugs and spiders and stuff to facilitate etarian, I haven’t developed the hunting skills, so I’ve started with soot at the theater (Supposedly they are made out of beef pectin or extract of horse hooves or soood transition to the nosferatu diet And I like biting off their tiny heads)

Here, high above the City - well, actually, we’re about ten feet above soe - I feel like the guardian of an ancient to to face any attacker to protecton the next beaeons everywhere! Sorry, one just pooped onI’one to his dad’s house in the Noe Valley to get the lawn cart and minivan so we can transport er, which I’ve only had to brandish once, against a woman anted to take the tarp from over my Dark Lord Then I used it to scrape off my old nail polish, which was totally chipped and stuff fro minion manual labor

So, my masters like met up with us outside the Museum of Modern Art and they were all, "Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" And they were being all secretive around Jared, like he didn’t knoere vampyres And I was all, "Just chill, he’s assistant minion" So they relaxed

Then Flood pulls this bronze hand out of his bag and he’s all, "Abby, do you knohat this is?"

And I was all, "Why yes, Lord Flood," because I speak obvious as a second language "It’s a bronze hand, correct?"

So the Countess took the hand from him "Abby, this is what’s left of the shell of the va your pardon and whatnot, Countess, but that’s a statue hand"

And she’s all, "That’s what I’ at all

So it turns out that the bronze statue that used to be in the loft was actually the vampyre who turned the Countess, and then the Countess turned the vampyre Flood, except he was just Flood then So the old va with the Countess by leaving dead bodies all over toith evidence pointing toward her, and threatening to kill her ot coeeks fro hi to save Elijah when in fact she was extracting his ancient va the Countess out because she is the love of his life and whatnot So Flood, who is not a ht at all, but has been a vaer than I have, took the statue down to the waterfront to drop it in the Bay, so it wouldn’t re torn asunder by the yearning for two lovers and stuff But the sun came up and Flood left the statue on the Eone, and it turns out that Elijah is loose and he was the crusty vauy and he is now stalkinga duplicitous ho

So Jared was all, "Fuck That’s awesome"

And I was all, "You lied to me"

And the Countess was all, "Yeah, sunshine, that’s why I’ you this now" Which was completely unnecessary sarcasm on her part

And Jared was like, "This is the best Christay-bait I’ve been betrayed"

And the Countess was all, "You’ll get over it We have to go see if Williaht, but I brooded as ent back to the loft, just to ranted When we got to the Countess’s block, there was an ambulance there and cops all over the place, so Flood and the Countess hung back and sent uy was on a stretcher and they were strapping oxygen on hih, this man is my father"

And the EMTs were all, "No way"

And I was all, "Who called you, anyway?"

And they were like, "The guy in the building A sculptor or soh"

So they let uy, and I was all, "Are you okay?"

And he was like, "Well,is broke"

And I was all, "Is there anything I can do?" Because I was under orders of the Countess to gain information and offer assistance

And he was like, "If you could take care of Chet He’s in the stairwell He’ll be hungry"

And I was all, "You got it"

So then he like pulled the oxygen mask off and had me bend over so he could whisper, and I was all, "Yes, Dad," for the EMTs atching

And he whispered like, "Before they take me away, could I see your tits"

So I kicked him in the ribs And the EMTs went all byzerk and shit, and told , because I had on my red Converse All Stars, which will hardly even bruise you

So they loaded hi the doors, he reached out his hand, like he was a drowningfor the last spark of his mortality before the inky waves of death swept him away - so I flashed my boobs for him, just a quick lift of my bra and top at the sah to help the homeless, and I wanted him to die a happy et that ot Chet out of the stairway of the old loft and was carrying him kid-style when I saw the two cops from before - the ones the Countess said helped blow up Elijah - so I went up to the Hispano-cop and I was all, "So, what’s up, cop?"

And he was all, "You need to get home, and you have no business out at this hour, and we should take you to the station and call your parents and blah, blah, blah, threat, threat, disapproval, and fascist dogrille" (I’rille as I had to wear braces for three years when I was a kid, and now s coay cop was all, "What are you doing here?"

And I was all, "I live here, bone-suys homicide cops?"

And he was all, "Let’s see some ID blah, blah, bluster, bluster, Oh My God I auess you wouldn’t have to deal with this shit if you had properly blowed up that old vampyre when you stole his art collection"

So all of a sudden the Hispano-cop and his big gay partner were all, "Whaaa - ?"

And I’ you bitches going to be here?"

And they were like, "Just a half hour or so longer, o clean out our boxers where we have just coain paraphrasing)

So I walked off, while they were still stunned, let Chet into the new loft down the street like it was mine, then ran around the block and reported to the Countess and Flood Jared was just staring at the I was like, "Hey, Boo," to re and Jared snapped out (Lily and Jared and I watched the To Kill a Mockingbird DVD like six tiether and our favorite part is when Scout sees Boo Radley behind the door and goes, "Hey, Boo" It’s like thanking the universe for sending you a benevolent retard to help you out, which is how I often feel about Jared) So I was like, "Buy me a coffee" And the Countess and Flood look at each other and shake their heads Nolame You have piles of cash and you roll with no er the Dark Lord and Lady of me" Which I totally didn’t et a low-on-caffeine headache But Jared goes, "Hey, Boo" ata ten-dollar bill And I pretended to find a snag inat me

The Countess said she knew of a Chinese diner off Freeht on Christ out there until the cops left Jared and I had cups of coffee and an order of fries, which FYI, taste a little like shri us, looking all sad So I’m like, "What? What? What?"

And the Countess is all, "Nothing"

Which I know is totally so, because I say it all the time And I watch her eyes follow Jared’s cup as he sips his coffee and I’m all, "Oh, fucksocks, Countess, cowboy the fuck up, would you?" Then I slipped Jared’s dagger out of his boot, grabbed his hand, and poked hiht here that the screauy was saying at me from behind the counter was a total overreaction and how does he expectthat fast AND in Chinese? Anyway, after I squeezed Jared’s thuave it to Flood, everyone caluy after Jared paid hi of the Immortal SOMA Drama Queens officially came to order

It seemed like aited forever, and the Countess and Flood wouldn’t answer any of my questions about the way of the nosferatu It was like they had no idea what they were doing Like last year I took Advanced Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap Which was fine, because I’ular foods, so, you knohat do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot - so I took the course pass-fail and slept But then, at the end of the ses this trap on redients and you can prepare dinner for Ronnie and me to shohat you learned in your Advanced Foods class It’ll be fun"

You can pretty much bet that anytime Mom uses the phrase "it’ll be fun," she is about to drive a stake in fun’s heart so that it ain Which is what happened Artichokes? Who eats soht it was a weapon

So anyway, after nine eternities in the diner, ent back to the loft, where the Countess said she had ot to the block, the cops and EMTs were gone and it looked like the coast was clear, but when the Countess opened the security door to the loft, there, sitting on the steps, was the old vahteen feet in the air and I’m pretty sure I peed a little Yes, I definitely peed Jared just started an asthasp He just stopped breathing after that

So Elijah is all, "I needed to do soht here, if I haven’t made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifeti theabout albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you’ve been trauainst the door and screaainst our ancient va to doubt Flood’s ability to fulfill his duties as my Dark Lord until he stepped up and saved us - valiant va to think he was just a geek with a passing knowledge of poetry

As we ran I could hear Elijah saying, "He peed on uessed he did, because I didn’t turn around until ere two blocks away

The Countess was all, "I’ve got to go back for him" But before she even turned around,around the corner

And he was all, "Go, go, go!" waving at us

And ere all, "Where? Where? Where?"

And then as the Countess threw her arms around Flood and started to squeeze the bejeezus out of hiasp," her watch started beeping Then Flood’s watch was beeping, too And they were all, "Uh-oh"

So we had like ten minutes to find someplace dark to hide them, and no one had any money for a hotel, even if we had the ti construction site under the Bay Bridge And I was thinking, I do not want to bury ot paved? It would totally freak theet away?"

And the vampyre Flood was all, "The dryer buzzer went off"

And she was all, "He let you live because his laundry was done?"

And Flood goes, "Lucky, huh?" Totally not out of breath, even with the running

So e got to the construction site, everything was either open or would be when everyone came to work And the Countess looked up into the rafters or whatever of the bridge and goes, "There"

So there is where ent I grabbed so by the construction site and Jared and I climbed up into the rafters with our vao out

But as it got lighter, andall the homeless people around, Jared and I realized that our masters would not be safe here when all the hoe noticed the tarps and our delicate youth or set the garden cart, sos and duct tape, and hopefully his stepmom’s minivan so we can move our masters to a safer realm

Oh, check it, before the Countess passed into the inky sleep of the undead, I was like, "So what did you get me for Christmas?"

And she was all, "Ten thousand dollars"

And I was like, "I didn’t get you guys anything"

And she was like, "That’s okay You are our ood"

Which is why I love her and will guard her to the death Then she like kissed the vampyre Flood and passed out I’es, if Jared and I don’t fuck up and fry theot to feed Chet!

Chapter Twenty-four

The Half-Life of American Cheese

The Cheddar Princess of Fond du Lac was toasted It wasn’t just the bursting into flames that had crispied her up more than somewhat physically, it was that Drew’s blood tasted like bong water, and she was still a littleon hiet the taste out of her e juice and had been rewarded with five reat black flakes of burned skin ca fresh, unscarred skin below Drew’s blood was healing her, but it appeared that the process was going to take ti to be messy

Maybe a bath