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Chapter Twenty-one

Ladies and Gentle the Disappointments

He was the best one-handed free-throw shooter in the Bay Area, and that Christht he had sunk sixty-four in a row in his driveway hoop, shooting the new leather Spauldingball his dad had left under the tree for hi his beer His record was seventy-two, and he would have broken it, had he not been dragged off into the bushes to be slaughtered

Jeff Murray was not the smartest of the Ani potential, he was the hands-doinner Jeff had been a star power forward through his sophoh school, and he had been offered a full-boat ride to Cal, Berkeley - there had even been talk of his going pro after a couple of years in college, but Jeff had decided to ih vertical leap to clear a ment, and he would have cleared the car had he not drunk most of a case of beer before the atteht inches enhanced by the light bar on the roof The light bar just caught Jeff’s left sneaker, and soht in a James Brown split on the tarmac He was pretty sure that his knee wasn’t supposed to bend that way, and a tearee He’d wear a brace forever and he’d never play coh he was a sht have even been a chahtered-in-the-bushes thing

He liked the new leather ball, and he knew he shouldn’t be using it on the asphalt, and especially this late at night, when the sound of his dribbling e apart in da the basketball sound lonely and ominous, so no one complained It was Christmas - if all some poor bastard had was some hoops, then you’d have to be a special kind of heartless to call the cops on hiens swept through the fog like sabers, then went out Jeff squinted into the fog, but couldn’t make out what kind of car it was, only that it had stopped a couple of doors down and it was a dark color

He turned to take his record-breaking shot, but distracted, he put a little too much backspin on the ball and it juarage, but was only able to tip it, so that it went into the bushes He set his beer down on the driveway and went in after it, and - well, you know

Francis Evelyn Stroud answered the phone on the second ring, as she always did, as it was proper to do

"Hello"

"Hi, Mo You’re calling rather late"

"I know, Mo" I was a thing, Jody thought

"A thing? Of course Did you get the package I sent?" It would be expensive and co in a houndstooth or a herringbone, so worn only by matronly academics or matronly spies with stout poison-dart shoes And Mother Stroud would have sent it to the old address "Yes, I got it It’s lovely I can’t wait to wear it"

"I sent a leather-bound set of the coner," Mother Stroud said

Fuck! Jody kicked at To a scolding finger at her

Of course Stegner, the Stanford paragon Mother was one of the first coeds to graduate from Stanford and she never one there Jody’s father had also gone to Stanford She was born to Stanford, and yet she had disgraced the "Yeah, those will be great, too I guess they just haven’t caught up with ain?" Mrs Stroud had lived in the same house in Carmel for thirty years Carpet and draperies never survived more than two years, but she’d been in the same house

"Yeah, we needed a littleat home now"

"We? Then you’re still with that writer boy?"

Mous

Jody scribbled on a Post-it at the counter: Note: Break Tommy’s arms off Beat him with them

"Yes I’ht So, did you have a nice Christht that man"

"Her husband, Bob, you mean?" Mother Stroud did not care for er woman

"Well, whatever his name is"

"It’s Bob, Mom He went to school with us You’ve known him since he was nine"

"Well, I had a sras-and-wild-mushroom appetizer"

"You had Christmas catered?"

"Of course"

"Of course" Of course Of course It would never occur to her that by having Christ other people work on Christmas "Well, I put o Toht because of his massive intellect"

"On Christmas?"

Oh, what the fuck "He’s Jewish"

She could hear the intake of breath on the other end of the phone This is the light version, Moine how scandalized you be if I told you he was dead and that I killed him

"You didn’t tell o, Mo in before the dinner Bye" She hung up

To naked in front of her forup he stopped "Did I mention that I worry about your ethical equilibriu buff the scrotu the merry Christmas call to my mother?"

"Admit it You’re a little turned on"

Dr Drew - Drew McComber, the Ohm-budsman, the resident pharmacist and medical adviser to the Animals, was afraid of the dark The fear had crept up on him, like a hash brownie, and coldcocked hiht crew at the Marina Safeway Thing was, he awoke in the evening, to the pervasive grow lights in his garage aparthts to the brightly lit Safeway, then got off work in thewhen the sun ell off the horizon, to return to his grow-lit apartment, to sleep with a satin mask in place He encountered darkness so infrequently that it seeht, round le of five-foot-tall pot plants in his living roo a movie on cable about the special relationship between the lady of an English manor and her chimney sweep (Because of his work schedule, and the constant deirlfriend Until the Aniely solitary affair, and (sigh) apparently had becoain) Each time the chimney sweep’s sooty hand srieved a little - that dusky handprint on alabaster flank falling like a shadow on his erotic soul There was arousal, but no joy Sad and lonely wood did tent his heo pants

Then, as if scripted by Erecto, the Generously Endowed Pizza Delivery God of Improbable Trysts, there was a knock at Drew’s door Rather than answer the door directly, Drew adjusted hianja forest to a small video screen in his kitchenette - a video peephole He’d installed it in the days before his doctor had given hial rower (patient coraestion, or suppository)

Sure enough, as if he had called in an order, the video screen revealed a pale but pretty blonde standing on his doorstep in a conservative blue cocktail dress and heels She ht have just come from a party or a dinner out - her hair was pinned up with tiny blue bows She ht have shown up to audition for the role of the lady of the manor

Drew keyed the intercoht house?"

"I think so," said the girl "I’ for Drew" She smiled into the ca that he had said it allowed, he cleared his throat and said, "I’ll be right there"

He smoothed his erection down, pushed his hair behind his ears, and in five long strides he was through the forest and at the front door At the last second he relasses, pushed them up on his head, s a wide bea

The pretty blonde dropped her smile, then screaht Drew ran out into the dark to save her

Chapter Twenty-two

Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal:

Pathetic Nosferatu Noobsicle

Well, except for the lass - I now truly know the ennui of passing eternity in total boredo to-furky all day, stuck with Ronnie and Mom until like six, when Jared came over His father has a fresh faet about hi He spent the whole day rewatching The Night cloves His room is totally sacrosanct since he told his ’rents that he couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t be ay porn if anyone came in (He’s so lucky soht there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christether" and make htmare Before Christmas disc with Mom and Ronnie until they fell asleep on the couch - then Jared and I drew some really cool tribal tattoos on Ronnie’s shaved head with Magic Marker, but only like in red and black, so they look real

Then he was all, "We should go get soift card for Christ about their Christmas presents, because it’s completely shallow and materialistic So, I was all, "Yeah, well, I’d love to, but I am now one of the chosen, so I have duties"

And he was all, "No way, you’re Jewish?"

And I was all, "No, I am nosferatu"

And he was all, "You are not"

And I was all, "Rereens It was hiht uinity"

And he was all, "You didn’t even call me?"

"I’m sorry, Jared, but you are of an inferior species now"

So he goes, "I know, I totally suck"

And I know he’s going to go all tragico-emo on me So I say, "Buy me a Mochaccino and I’ll reveal to you our dark ways and stuff"

We leave a note saying that Jared has iether to join a satanic cult, so my mother won’t panic when she wakes up, because she’s totalitarian about leaving notes Then we head to the SOMA

But apparently, the entire fucking country shuts down on Christmas, slammed under the oppressive iron fist of the baby Jesus, so out of nine Starbucks we try, all are closed

And Jared is all, "Take me to meet them I want to be in the dark fold, too"