Page 8 (1/2)

Chapter Eleven

Then, When They Woke Up

"Oh e"

"Not corief, Toix - Not necessarily in That Order

Just after sundown

They watched the coffee dripping out of the filter like they were distilling nitroglycerine and the slightest bit of inattention ood," Jody said

"It’s like I never noticed it before," To, since it’s indigestible," Jody said The last time she’d taken a sip of coffee, her vampire system had rejected it so violently that she ended up convulsively dry-heaving on the floor, feeling like forks were twisting inside of her

"This ht work," Tommy said "You ready?"

"Ready"

He poured a tablespoonful or so of coffee into a glass cup Then he uncapped one of the syringes that held William’s blood and squirted a few drops into the coffee

"You first," he said, swishing the cup around in front of her

"No, you," Jody said As good as the coffee sed and threw the coffee back like a tequila shooter, then set the cup down on the counter

Jody stepped back and snatched a tea towel off the fridge handle in preparation for the coffee’s return trip Torabbed his throat and fell to the floor, twitching and choking "Dying," he croaked "Suffering and dying"

Jody was barefoot and didn’t want to stub her toe, so she pulled the kick to his ribs "You suck, you know that"

To himself around her foot "It works! It works! It works!" He sort of dog-hued at the herinned "Pour cups, grommet! Full cups"

Tommy climbed to his feet "We don’t even know the blood-to-coffee ratio yet"

"Pour!" Jody was in the fridge in an instant, grabbing another syringe "We’ll wing it"

The she heard the downstairs door open and spun on her heel "Willia up the steps and shook his head "Nope, too light"

They could hear the key fitting into the lock "You said you didn’t give her a key," Jody said

"I said I didn’t give her a key to the bedroouy with a huge cat on your landing," said Abby Norh the door

THE CHRONICLES OF ABBY NORMAL:

Dedicated Servant of the Vampyre Flood

I have been to the lair of the vampyre Flood I am part of the coven! Kinda Okay, back up So I like slept till eleven, because we’re on Christmas break, only it’s called winter break now because Jesus is AN OPPRESSIVE ZOMBIE BASTARD AND WE DO NOT BOW DOWN TO HIS BIRTHDAY! At least not at Allen Ginsberg High School, we don’t (Go, Fighting Beatniks!) But it’s all good, ’cause I’oing to be a creature of the night

So, like first thing, I made some toast, and it burned, as black as my soul, and I was so bummed that my tears of despair fell like cold bits of crystal, to be destroyed on the unforgiving rocks of this miserable life But then I saw that Mom had left a twenty out on the counter with a note:

Allison (Allison isby souy, so I totally refuse to accept it), here’s your lunch reens and pick up some RID shampoo for Ronnie’s head lice (Veronica is my sister, who is twelve and a total tumor on the ass of my existence)

So, I was like, Sweet! Starbucks!

It took forever to pick what I was going to wear, and not just because I’d never rented an aparthtbulb burned out in my closet and we didn’t have any extras, so I had to take everything out in the living roo says, I wear black on the outside to reflect the black I feel on the inside, but OMG, it’s i fro to be a business thing, I decided on hts with my red PVC mini, my skull-and-crossbones hoodie, and my lime Converse All Stars I ith just a plain stud inin ant I carried

Ronnie was all, "I wanna come with you, I wanna coe on hu I would tell everyone on the bus she had lice, so she elected to stay home and watch toons It was then that I ventured into the undiscovered country, and called the nuiven me

And the woman was totally a bitch

She was like, "Hello Blah Blah Property Management"

And I was like, "I need to rent an apartment"

And she was all, "How many bedrooms and did you have an area in mind?"

And I was all, "What’s with all the questions, bitch? Are you so?"

And she was like, "I’ht, help Like tuberculosis"

So she’s all, "I beg your pardon," like the queen of freakin’ France or so

And then I remembered that I was supposed to ask for a specific person, so I was like, "Oh, I need to speak to Alicia DeVries, Is she there?"

And the bitch connected me

So it turns out that Alicia DeVries is this crusty hippie who is like as old as , which I’ainst, because old hippies have the best pot and they’ll just give it to you if you pretend not to notice that they’re crusty and old So Alicia picks me up in her crust-ive her the requirements of the vampyre Flood, which were bedroom with no s, a washer and dryer, private entrance with lockout, and, at least above the ground floor, s looking down on the street

And she’s all, "We have to have a Social Security number and driver’s license nuhteen"

So I’m, "My client will provide all the information you need, it’s just that he’s very busy and can’t deal with pissant details during the day" Then I waved the cash that Flood gave me and she went all spacey, overmeditated, «namaste» on me, like it’s not about the money when it’s really about the money Then she takes me to this loft, which it turns out is only like a half a block from the address where Flood said to meet him at sundoeet!

So I’m all, "Excellent, the master will be pleased"

And she’s like, "I’ll make you out a receipt"

Then she starts to lectureated to the desires of an older man and shit - like I’m this corporate fuck-puppet for soet suspicious and try to rescue me, so I’m like, "No, you misunderstand, I call him the master because he’s the sensei of "

Luckily I have an extensiveanime with Jared and I knew that one must never bone the sensei

So she like reaches over and pats my knee All, "That’s okay, sweetheart"

And I’-muncher!" I mean, I’m as bi as the next person, but not with some crusty old hippie - I need uy has rejected etarian burrito - and even then I draw the line at ave me the keys and took my money and just, like, left me there So I called Lily, who ca of Cheese Newts (I still hadn’t had breakfast), and so Book of Death So we looked at the book, which is this how-to thing with great art, and drank tea and ate Cheese Newts until she had to go to work I wanted to tell her about the vampyre Flood, but I promised that I would keep his secret, so all I told her was that I had discovered my Dark Lord, and he would soon satisfyelse So she was all, "whatever, ho," which is what I like about her - Lily is tr��s noir

So I walked over to the Sony Metreon and watched the flat-screens until it started to get dark I was already about ready to pee with nervousness when I got to Flood’s door, but then, just as I getHuuys cliinormous fake boobs And they’re all, "Where is Flood? We need to find Flood?" And she’s all, "Where did you get the key? You need to let us in before it gets dark"

I’m not intimidated - because I know that her boobs are fake And it’s so obvious that they hunt the nosferatu that it’s not even funny Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!"

But on the outside I was totally chill And I’ about This ison the landing, there’s this dead guy with a huge bald cat in a red sweater on his chest And the cat hissed at me and I screao," I said "My boyfriend is naked and he gets ht at the blue bitch when I said that, like: Oh yeah, soh in our own feuy with a huge unit

And the black guy is like, "I just talked to Flood here last night"

And I was like, "Yeah, he uy checked his watch and was like, "Dude, too late, it’s officially sunset"

And it was like it was on cue or so scary yowl, and even the blue skank backed away toward the lio now," I said, all o and dread

And she was all, "We’ll be back"

And I was like, "So?"

So they went But then I had to get past the cat and the dead guy and go up the steps I have to say, that as lorious gloo and all, it’s different when there’s a real dead guy you have to walk over, not to ry cat in a sweater

NOTE TO SELF: Always carry Kitty Treats for Self-Defense (because evidently they don’t like Skittles, which I tried)

Since I didn’t have any kitty treats, I got by the preternaturally big-ass cat by opening the door wide and yelling, "Hey, kitty, go away!" Much to my amazement, the cat ran out of the doorway and hid under a parked car It was like I already had vaht Then I had to get past the dead guy on the landing, which was sort of like dead-guy hopscotch, but I got up the stairs andhe really was dead, and not one of the nosferatu, because then he ht be pissed off when he rose He certainly smelled dead, the fetid stench of the charnel house emanated from him like a foul miasma of evil, as they say in the books

So I opened the door, and I go, "Lord Flood, there’s a stinky dead guy with a huge cat on your landing" Thinking that I would get total loyal-servant brownies

Then I saw her, the ancient vampyre mistress - her skin like alabaster, or you know, no zits at all, and she seeloith inner power I could see why even a powerful vaths, gathered over the ages by sucking the lifeblood of thousands of helpless victi a cup of coffee out of a Garfieldher inificant mortals She had on only a bathrobe, which was partly open in front, so you could see that she had like great cleavage, ancient total skank that she was

So I’m like, "Hi"

And she’s like, "So, Wednesday, you know Buffy’s not a real person, right?"

Bitch

"What do youit open "He’s not here" He bolted down the steps in his bare feet, leaving Jody standing across the breakfast bar fro to look for him," Tommy called The downstairs door closed, the lock clicked

Jody pulled her robe closed when she saw Abby Nor, could see her pulse beating in her neck, could sarettes, and some kind of cheese snack

They stared at each other

"I found you an apart into the pocket of her hoodie and came out with a rent receipt

"Call me Jody," Jody said

Abby nodded conspiratorially, like she was acknowledging it was only a code name She was a cute kid, in a scary, will-probably-poison-the-dog-and-then-molest-hier women as competition After all, she was only twenty-six, and with the extreained fro out and every freckle she’d ever had disappearing, she felt superior, even a tad maternal toward Abby, as a little knock-kneed in her red plastic skirt and green sneakers

"I’m Abby," Abby said, and she curtsied

Jody choked, sprayed coffee out her nose, and turned quickly so as not to laugh in Abby’s face

"Are you okay, Mistress - I e just how sensitive the vaht never sain, and her eyes atering, or so she thought, but when she turned back around, Abby jumped back six feet and yelped

"Holy shit!" Abby had backed against the futon frame and was about to tumble over backwards

Jody was around the breakfast bar, steadying the girl in less than a tenth of a second - which caused Abby to juht into the air about three feet

Jody could tell the girl was going to fall Abby was going to come doith one foot on the back of the futon fra to tumble over and land on her shoulder and head on the hardwood floor Jody saw this coently on her feet, but instead, she felt that maternal instinct kick in - the realization that if the child didn’t take a knock or two, she’d never learn - so Jody stepped back into the kitchen, where she picked up her coffee and watched as the kid hit

"Ouch!" Said Abby, now a black-and-red heap on the floor

"Boy, that looked like it hurt," Jody said

Abby was on her feet, liht you had my back"

"Yeah, sorry," Jody said "Why the freak-out?"

"There’s blood running down your face I guess it startled me"

Jody dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her robe, leaving little red spots on the white terry cloth "Well, would you look at that?" She was trying to be casual, trying to act like soht behave, but the blood tears were disturbing her e the subject "So, this apartment you found, where is it?"

"Don’t you want to wait for Flood?" Abby asked

"Flood? What Flood?"

"Flood, the orange-colored vampire who just ran out the door"