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Chapter Nine

It’s Like Time Travel, Only You know, Slower

THE CHRONICLES OF ABBY NORMAL:

Tortured Victiain, to open es My dark friend, after sixteen years of totally boring existence, I coh the gloomth that is my miserable life OMG! I have found hiht, my Dark Lord has found me A for-real vampyre He is called the vampyre Flood, and he didn’t say, but I think he is descended from European royalty - a viscount or a discount or one of those

I was in Walgreens with Jaredhim - and OMFG he’s so hot, in a totally stealth way I would have thought he was just a totally , with his flannel shirt and jeans, but he asked us about buying syringes and I totally saw his fangs come out So, I was like, "I can hook you up with my dealer," like that, and then he looked at my T-shirt and saw Byron’s picture on it and he quoted "She Walks in Beauty," which is like irlfriend being nothing but worm food, except that Lily called that one first because Baudelaire is her fave poet and so she got the shirt with hih Byron is way ravel if I had the chance

So I went hoot to Glas Kat we breezed by the door like ere twenty-five or so Jared made our IDs himself at Kinkos and we both look so h I think he overdid it with the mustache Anyere there like tenYou in the Ossuary," by Dead Can Dub - which is so cool and uy corabs Jared’s cape and says, "Blacks fade much?" and that was it Jared went into a level-five freak-out, and turned into a total fuckwit, trying to gethe couldn’t take it anyht then So he abandoned ht a bottle of water and sorieve my lost youth, when HE showed up OMG!

Check it, he actually knew Byron and Shelley! He used to party with the They all did laudanuhost stories and stuff, and then they actually invented Goth, right there in this villa on some lake He is like THE SOURCE! He took ht there in Starbucks Lily will be totally jealous

So he said I have to wait He is connected to some ancient Celtic vampire countess and I’avewad of cash I have to prove myself worthy of his trust, otherwise there’s like no way he’ll bestow the dark gift on me, and I’ll totally have to finish e or working at Old Navy or so

So, since we’re off for Christo find an apartment for the vampyre Flood and the Celtic varave at sunset, I will getthe Celtic vampyre countess Flood says she has a temper What if she hates me? Flood says he’s not really into her - it’s not like that It’s like, she’s his vaether for like five hundred years, so, you know, they have history, and I can respect that

Note: Make sure to find out if I need to move their native soil to the new apartment before we move their coffins

Note: Do I need to have a coffin made? Is it okay if it’s purple?

Oh yeah, my sister Ronnie has head lice

Chapter Ten

Red, White, and Blue, Not Necessarily in That Order

Snow White, thought Blue

With the seven to look after me, and me them, I could be just like Snow White Granted, the Anih-school-basketball star was at least six five, and Drew, their resident pharht, but she wasn’t exactly Snow White either Still, they were all kind to her, considerate, and basically respectful of her, within their limits as a bunch of pot-head punani hounds They did seeht ae went

In a few days, she’d have the rest of their money, she knew it, and they knew it, but then what? It was a ton of money, to be sure, but it wasn’t fuck-youso much money that you can say "fuck you" to anyone, anywhere, anytime, and not have to worry about the consequences) She’d have to find soetting out of the life finally loo to need a new life to live, and frankly, it was scaring the hell out of her Ti on her looks, and she’d already extended her sell-by date by going blue, but what now? Who knew that the future she’d been hoping for would shoith such sharp teeth So Blue asked herself the question

Can a fallen Cheddar princess of Fond Du Lac make a life with seven perpetually adolescent party animals froivings about dwarf number seven: Clint

In her experience, it took a lot of work to fuck the Jesus out of a guy, and even then, he was prone to couilts a day or two later Not really a probleh-ho a whole pack of dwarves on a seh- to be a problem

"Whore of Babylon," Clint said as the Ani her at the palace

She paused in the automatic doors, despite the fact that she felt like she was turning blue under her blue, dressed as she was in a silver lam�� minidress and six-inch clear Lucite heels, none of it protecting her froh the Marina Safeway parking lot Thinking she’d probably spend most of her time naked, she hadn’t packed for San Francisco weather

"I’ve never even been to Babylon," she said "But I’m open to new experiences" She licked her lips and stepped to where her breasts ithin an inch of Clint’s chest

He turned and bolted to the office, chanting, "Get thee behind et thee behind me," the whole way

"However you want it, baby," said Blue She decided she’d think of him as Freaked, the paranoid dwarf

"Barry will show you to the break room," Lash said He’d become the new leader of the Animals, mainly because he tended to be the most sober "Jeff, send the limo back and lock the doors Drew, make some coffee Gustavo, see what the situation is on the floors We may need you to throw stock on the shelves"

They stood there, looking at him Stoned Drunk Baffled Blue would think of Barry, the little, preuy, as her special dwarf, Baffled She smiled

Clint peeked over the three-quarter wall of the office "Hey, you guys You should know that the Eht He says that Tommy Flood is a vairl of his, she didn’t leave town She changed him"

"Get the fuck outta here," said Jeff

Clint nodded furiously "It’s true"

"Well, fuck," said the others, in an unsynchronized chorus

"Meeting," Lash announced "Gentleetically to Blue "This shouldn’t take long"

"I’ll make coffee," she said

"Uh" Lash seeet from here on out"

"Coffee’s free," Blue said She turned and started heading to the back of the store "I’ll find it"

The Aniathered by the registers Clint unlocked the office door and came out "So, we have to notify those cops, so they can help us hunt him down"

Lash looked at the Animals, who looked back Lash raised an eyebrow The others nodded Lash put his aruys and I have discussed it, and we’d all like to do so for you"

Clint ran back in the office and slaents of Satan"

"Right Of course We’ll get right on that But first I’d like you to ask yourself so, Clint And I’d like you to answer not as the born-again man that you are now, but from that little boy that’s inside of all of us"

"Okay," Clint said, peeking over the office door

"Clint, haven’t you ever wanted to bone a Smurf?"

Jody heard Tommy come in the security door downstairs andkiss

"Wow," Toood noas just checking on William I think he pooped himself"

"I’m so sorry, Tommy I shouldn’t have left you on your own this soon"

"It’s okay I’ on your dress"

Jody was still wearing the little black dress So to it near the he"

"Let h, then starting to raise the dress up past her waist

Jody caught his hand "Horndog!"

Chet the huge shaved cat looked up for a second, then put his head back down on William’s chest and went back to sleep

"But you lefttoo much to make it work

"You’re fine" She looked at her watch "We only have about forty et ready for bed"

"I’m ready for bed now," Toh the great roorabbed her toothbrush off the sink and tossed Tommy his She pasted, then chucked the tube to him

"Do we still have to floss?" To ih a o lie in the sun and get it over with, rather than suffer the torture of flossing"

"Don’t be sarcastic I didn’t think we could get sick at all, but your hangover proved that to be wrong"

Jody nodded and spit "Don’t s any when you rinse The water will coht back up"

"How come your foau," Jody said

Jody wasn’t ready to tell hiht She would tell hie the subject, she suth and pantsed hiet skull-and-crossbones boxers?"

"I bought theht they would see furiously to keep fro "And you’ll blend in - in case you’re ever caught with your pants down in the pirate locker room"

"Yeah, there’s that," To down his chest as he looked at his boxers "I have the whitest legs in the universe My legs are like great white carrion worot to use that tanning lotion we bought Where is it?"

Jody moved with catlike speed out to the kitchen, snatched the lotion off the counter, and was back sitting on the edge of the bed in only a couple of seconds If she could just keep To any questions until sunup, she was sure she’d figure out a way to tell his, let me put some lotion on you" To emphasize her commitment to lotionization, she stood, pulled the straps of her dress off her shoulders, and let it fall to the floor at her feet She stepped out of her dress and stood there, in just her puiven her

Tommy hopped out of the bathroo hop, and he stood in front of her Jody sility and speed, and what you get is a superagile, speedy geek

"You went out co the waistband of his boxers and pulling hierous"

"That’s so, so slutty," he said, lisping a little, his fangs co out now

"Yep Where do you want to start with the lotion?"

He pulled her close and kissed her neck "We have to be careful not to break the furniture this ti out now She raked theet a place before someone kills us"

"Oh, yeah, I found us a minion," he said as she bit into his side and tore his boxers off in a single swift pull