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THIRTY-ONE

"No No" I tried to think of so to add to that "Oh no No"

My ood look at as in the kitchen "Ah," she began, not a little worried to see a police detective looking like he wanted to shoot her daughter in the face (and that just for starters) Then she noticed the zoot better," he replied, the soul of politeness

"AndLaura, hello"

"Hi, Mrs Taylor," the Antichristat the devil to stare at the floor

"And Jessica, you&039;re lookingvery, very healthy"

"Hi, Miz Taylor We&039;re, u?" She looked at me for help, but I was sort of frozen with the sheer horror of the moment

My mom kneas a vampire, but I hadn&039;t had the ti her up to speed on Satan, Zos She knew I&039;d accidentally FUBARed the tiory details beyond that And I had never told her about Ancient Me, or the wretched future awaiting hu her up to speed right now, since there were two Betsy Taylors less than ten feet apart

"Meh!" BabyJon was perched co and content, and reached chubby arms out to both Betsys (That was a sentence I didn&039;t think I&039;d ever have to say or write or think Both Betsys? Why not just say both Michele Bachmanns? Both Kanye Wests?) "Beh? Muh! Geh-neh Muh!"

"I&039; from me to Ancient Me and back to me "I&039;m sure there&039;s soh Which one of you do I need to scold for not returning my calls yesterday?"

Busted I raised , more shocked into immobility than I was She just stared at ain the kitchen door swung open (I was so rattled, I could barely concentrate on as happening in the room, never mind also listen for footsteps) and Tina was framed, wild-eyed, in the doorway Since she&039;d probably been reloading shells in the basement, she&039;d really flown up all those stairs "Dr Taylor, Her Majesty is very busy so please coht-damlad for the effort, because Jessica, Marc, and Dickie all got the giggles "However this shakes out, I&039;e trouble, but I appreciate the effort, Tina"

"Huge trouble," raciously at Tina and frown sternly at me with the same expression So a stroke "But I do see you&039;re busy, and I shouldn&039;t have just dropped by with the baby"

"He&039;s my baby, Mom, of course you should have I&039;m just sorry I can&039;t take hi to look at everyone in the room all at once "I think that would be a very bad idea But later, when you&039;ve taken care of business, you can plan on sitting doith your old mom-"

"You&039;re not old" I smiled at her, my mother, whose fierce intellect was matched only by her diabolical sense of huray in high school but always looked good "You&039;ll never be old"

"-and telling me the whole odd story Flatterer But until then, I-yeee!"

She&039;d said "yeee!" because Ancient Me had crossed the roo herself atthe into her hair, "I&039;m sorry I&039;m sorry I&039;m so, so sorry, Mom Please I&039;m so sorry for what happened to you"

"I, uh, don&039;t knohere to look," Marc whispered

"I&039;m not sure there&039;s anywhere we can look," Jessica whispered back

"Let go of her! Get your fucking hands off my mother!"

I&039;d started forward, only to be frozen by my mother&039;s sharp, "Elizabeth Taylor!"

"Sorry, Mo Mom "Don&039;t talk like that in front of her!"

"Thisissosplendid," Satan sighed

In evil, horrific unison: "You shut up!"

"Elizabeth! Elizabeths, I mean" Mom looked surprised at what she had just said, but rallied "Ah, both of you, stop it Groo at Ancient Me

"At least I&039; like children Stop it at once Think of the baby!"

"Meh," the baby added, swinging fat feet stuffed into tiny navy blue socks

"Now, er, you two behave Ahdo I know you, ma&039;am?"

"No," the devil replied "But I know you, Dr Taylor"

"Oh You look familiarthere now, hon" Distracted (and who could blame her?), she patted Decrepit Me on the shoulder "It&039;s all right Whatever happened, I know you did your best"

"I did," Ancient Me replied with an earnestness that would have been touching if she wasn&039;t so gross and ancient and evil and wearing stolen clothes "Only it wasn&039;t good enough And nothing seelanced at Marc "Not one thing"

"Irrelevant, if you gave it your best shot"

"I disagree, Mom"

"We&039;ll talk about it another time"

"There is no other time" Was thatah, mandid Decrepit Me&039;s lower lip actually treoing to lunge for Nick&039;s gun I wasn&039;t sure who I&039;d shoot, but just getting ood idea "There never was"

"Then you&039;d best work on the things you can actually fix, don&039;t you think?"

Old Me bit her lip, then nodded

Marc&039;s hand shot up, like the kid in Algebra anted to knohen the next pop quiz was "Question?"

"She won&039;t tell you," I said, shaking otta be all cryptic to protect the timeline that&039;s already been hosed"

"Well, I do," Ancient Me said, having the audacity to sound hurt

"Dr Taylor, please allow"I&039;ll be happy to show you to your car-"

"I know the way to my car, Tina," she replied, exasperated

"So sorry Her Majesties can&039;t assist you themselves at this time, but her-their-schedules are sure to clear up very soon"

"That&039;s a lie,"Tina to herd her out, "and you know it"

"Don&039;t forget, our house, Thanksgiving dinner, Thursday," I called after her

"How could I? You hate-" And then the doorshut

I buried my head in my hands "Jesus Christ"

"Say it twice," Ancient Me h

Iher And I sure as shit did not want to feel sorry for her

So how come I did?

Dammit

THIRTY-TWO

"I should pop by more often," the devil decided "That was fun"