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"I'll try to," I say with apprehension "But it's a tay street, so" My father has visited a few times, and Charles mediated for us Rocky would be one of the words to describe the ti That and aard and uneasy But it helped break the ice enough that it's not co to be living under the saain Just terrible, maybe

Charles puts a hand on ht in the eye "Don't try Do" He always says this whenever someone shows doubt Do Do Do

"Okay, I'll talk to him," I say, but just because I will, doesn'tto reciprocate I barely know him anymore No, scratch anymore I've never known hier But I can get through this I aain

"Good" Charles gives my shoulder a squeeze and then releases me "And remember, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to" He takes a step back toward his desk "You have ht?"

I pat my pocket "Yeah"

"Good Callfrom me" He smiles "And take care, Quinton"

"Thanks You too" I turn for the door, hter with every step I take By the tie of hyperventilating But I keep e area near the doorherefor me in one of the chairs in the corner of the roolasses on as he reads the newspaper that's on his lap He's wearing slacks and a nice shirt, probably the same clothes he wears to the office every day He must have had to leave early to pick me up and I wonder how he feels about that, whether he's irritated like he always used to be with uess that could be so we talk about in the car

I don't say anything as I cross the rooht as I stop in front of him

He blinks a few times like I've surprised him with my appearance "Oh, I didn't even see you walk out," he says, setting the newspaper aside on the table beside the chair He glances at the clock on the wall as he rises to his feet "Are you ready to go?"

I nod with"Yeah, I think so"

"Okay then" He pats the sides of his legs aardly, glancing around the roo to cooing to happen, that it's just hiives me a small smile, but it's forced Then he heads for the door and I reluctantly follow Ten steps later, I'm free Just like that It feels like it happens so fast Faster than I can handle Oneout the door into the outside world and fresh air There are no et what I'h

I just exist

The first thing I notice is how bright it is Not hot, but bright The grass has also browned, along with the leaves on the trees It'smy two-month stay here and so, but not outside with freedos feel different Me feel different Nervous Unsteady Like I'm about to fall down

"Quinton, are you okay?" My father asks, assessing lasses, like that'll help hi "You look like you're going to be sick"

"I' outdoors "It just feels a little weird being outside"

He offers ht s lot at the side of the building I trail behind hi overmy cheeks, and I note how unnatural it feels Just like the cars driving up and down the highway that see sees

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, I et rows quiet as ine ruravel path toward the highway, leaving the rehab center behind in the distance, the place that for the last couple of months protected me from the world and the pain linked to it

I stay quiet for most of the drive home and my dad seems pretty at ease with that at first, but then abruptly he starts slah or too etto eat if I need him to

I shakeat a hole in the knee of my jeans "Dad, I pro on me"

"Yeah, but" He struggles for what to say as he grips the steering wheel, his knuckles whitening "But you always said you were okay in the past but then after talking to you with Charles it just seems like you needed to talk to me but you didn't"

He's probably thinking about how I told hi one of our sessions, that I felt sort of responsible for my mother's death because he never see to do with me He was shocked by my revelation and I was equally shocked that he didn't seem to have realized that's how I felt--at how differentlythings

"But I prohtly into fists the closer we get to the house Deep breaths Deep breaths I can do this The scary part is over, right? I'm sober now "I just ate before we left and I'ood" Which I am, for the most part

He nods, satisfied, as he concentrates on the road "Well, let "

"Okay, I will" I direct my attention to the sideand watch the landscape blur by, gradually changing from trees to a field, then ultimately

to houses as we pass through the outskirts of the city Before I know it, we're entering hborhoodstarted, where everything changed, where I grew up and where I decided I was going to slowly kill s Each house I've passed a thousand tis feel so foreign toonly intensifies e pass one of the houses I used to buy drugs froed What if they do? What if I have drugs right on hand? Right there? Just blocks away fro? Can I handle it? I' at the moment, because I can't see five minutes into the future

My adrenaline starts puet my heart to settle down, I can't It only beats faster e pull into the driveway ofI've been in this house more times than anywhere else in the world, yet it feels like I've never been here before I'h,any What I should feel Who I am

Reborn

But what a to be reborn into?

"Welcoain with a taut se and silences the engine

"Thanks" I return his forced s is okay to each other all the ti to drive me crazy

He takes the keys out of the ignition while I get et out of the car and walk up the path to the front door, where he unlocks it and we step into the foyer It hits ainstthe wind out of me This is bad So bad I neededin torturous circles inside ood ones The bad ones The ones connected to my childhood Lexi It's too much and I want to run out the door and track down one of s, and if I can get so around inside me