Page 8 (1/2)

Prologue

Nova

December 28, the day of the funeral

It's a strange feeling, getting ready to watch so place I've been to enough funerals to know thaton around er, the sun a little rass, and fresh dirt overpowering It's like rasp each aspect of the et

I'm actually at the church earlier than I'm supposed to be and I don't even knohy, other than that sitting hoer just didn't seeot in my cherry-red Chevy Nova, the car my dad left to me when he died, and drove it to the church where my dad's and Landon's funeral took place And in just a bit, I'll say good-bye to another person I once knew and will never see again

Now that I' with a white tower pointing to the sky, I'm not sure what I should do I'ht say a lot aboutto avoid death for as long as possible, but I've beco

After sitting in the car for about ten rass and the windshield, I decide to take video instead I didn't bring the fancy caave me, but the one on my phone works and honestly I use that one a lot , which seems to be my specialty

I blow out a deep breath as I sit back in the seat, aim the camera at myself, and hit record I have the screen flipped to s under h I've tried to cover the cooperative so I ended up pulling it up into a ponytail I's and the contrast with my fair skin makes me look pallid

"It's a can seem so perfect one moment and then suddenly it's not How quickly perfection can evaporate how rare it is" I pause, gathering hts "I've seen a lot of death More than the normal person, probably I watched my father's life vanish in front of ht after he took his own life Too early Too suddenly Both of theht it was the worst feeling in the world I alondered how different it would be, if it ever happened again If maybe the third or fourth ti soo now that I've had so s behind otten easier but it still hurts I still shed tears it's still agonizing painful" I trail off as a few tears slip fro about some of the stuff I saw I should have stopped it should have done things differently" I trail off, staring at the"But I didn't and now they're gone forever"

Chapter 1

Two o

October 30, day one in the real world

Quinton

I write until my hand hurts Until my head is numb It's the only outlet I have at the s I've done for years But most days it can't fill even a smyself But there are a few times when it briefly instills a s one breath, one step, one heartbeat, just a bit more bearable And so I write, just to feel those few and far-between moments of peace

Soious way But in the sense that it feels like part of ain to live with the new, re parts of ly, broken, ht insideto build ain

I still don't know if it's possible If I can live with a clear head, feel the sting of every euilt, the heaviness of each breath, the way h, and I guess that's a start I just hope the start can turn into more, but I'm not so sure yet

"Quinton, are you ready?" Davis Mason, the supervisor of the Belvue Rehab Facility, enterson the doorframe

I glance up from my notebook and nod, release a nervous breath trapped insideback into the real world, to live with my dad, no walls around me, no restrictions It scares the shit out of me, to be out there, free to do whatever I want, without anyone watchingdecisions myself and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess," I say, shuttingon the floor beside my feet I aim to appear collected on the outside, but on the insidewithI can't believe I' out into the real world Shit, I don't think I can do this I can't I want to stay here

"You're going to do awesome," Davis assures me "And you know if you need anyone to talk to, I'ot you set up with that sobriety support group and your dad got you a really good therapist to replace Charles"

When I firstfacility, with his laid-back attitude and the casual plaid shirts and jeans he alears, but it turned out he was the counselor that I'd be spending twoh was once an addict, too, so he gets soh

I get to ht"

"I'pat on the back as I head past hi to ers to his temple "I have a sixth sense for it"

I don't understand his optimism I'd think he was this ith everyone, but he's not I overheard hi he orried about one of the guys leaving But he see everyone that I' to fall I know it Can feel it See it I' to happen to me In the nextso ht

I swing the handle ofoverbehind I say good-bye to a few people I met while I was here and actually developed friendships with There's not a whole lot--it's hard to make friends when you have to focus so much on yourself

After the brief farewells, I head to Charles's office, which is right beside the front section of the facility Every tiet a peek at the outside worl

d, the cars on the highway, the pine trees, the grass, the sky, the clouds It always makes me want to lock the door and stay behind it for the rest of my life, because behind that door I feel safe Protected fros out there Like the last two o into the wild

"Quinton, co in the doorway, staring at the exit door just to ht

I tear my attention away from it and step into his office, a narrow roos on the walls It's plain, with ht be on purpose to force whoever is in here to focus on nothing but himself I've had a fewfroed me to pour my heart and soul out about the accident and express how I felt about the deaths of Lexi and Ryder I haven't talked about everything yet, but I's one step at a time Day by day

"So today's the big day," he says, standing up from the chair behind his desk He's a short man with a bad comb-over and wears a lot of suits with elbow patches But he's nice and gets things in a way most people don't I' on the wall or because h shit If he has, he never shared it with me "This is about you," he always said whenever I tried to turn the conversation around on hih" I hated him for it Still do a little bit, because he opened a lot of fucking doors I thought I'd bolted shut Stuff poured out ofto streaet to turn off, but now I'm not sure I want to

"Yeah, I guess so" I move to the center of the roo the back to hold s feel like tet noodles

He offers s are going to be out there, but I assure you that as long as you stick to everything we talked about, you're going to be okay Just keep going to " He strolls around the desk and stops in front ofto your father"