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What did this mean? Dear God, what did this all mean?
Just as day broke, Carlos watched Damali finally drift off into a fitful slumber; then he silently crept into the bathroom He shut the door with care and latched it behind hio back to Rome? He needed someone to confide in, a man of the cloth, the one who took him to his heart like a son
A stability factor was needed Father Pat was definitely that But every man had his liht it And who could blah was e It was ridiculous
But he couldn't escape the fact that every man who had been a force in his life had walked when he'd needed hiround wire for a while, who had ever really been around to guide hi That was just a fact All his life lessons came from the school of hard knocks The way of the world, alive or dead
He ran his palms down his face and breathed in deeply, then let the air out of his lungs in a resigned rush
Weary of the thoughts that besieged hishis head, and shut his eyes to the blue-gray dawn
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he whispered to the elderly priest in absentia "It's been who kno long since my last confession"
Carlos kept his voice to a lowslow, deep inhalations and exhalations to steady his voice as his thoughts raged "I can't get Padre Lopez's death out of my mind I'm so sorry about that, I don't knohat to say They were seeking my essence, my vae of Juanita I'd poisoned him with, before I knew better" Carlos sed hard
"If I hadn't, then maybe he was just a kid, really They didn't come after Jose like that, so there had to be a reason, a cause, a link with more juice than Jose had in hiot serious debt behind that I know it And they honed in on that foul shit, thought he ht have been me because of the heart chakra connection he and I shared, and they" - Carlos choked and he n of the cross over his chest - "they took his heart, onna live with that?"
A silence interrupted only by a slow drip froe tears rolled down Carlos's cheeks, and he let thehs as he leaned forith his face in his hands "Father Pat, I know you said it was fate, he had fulfilled his purpose without breaking his vows to the Covenant, which was eminent, but how come that don't make me feel it's okay?"
Again, silence It pounded in his ears and added to the ever-present throbbing headache he was constantly nursing these days Drawing a shaky breath, he pressed on with his co Father Patrick would hear hi,to
"Everything is falling apart, Father The tea no e so she can do a shift; none of our powers are stable, and our reaction time is slow Bad position for everybody to be in"
He breathed out hard and pulled his fingers through his hair as his voice faltered "Father Pat, this is tooon at the same time with all the newbies to train when I ain't even ready for whatever myself"
Carlos drew in another shuddering, ragged breath and let out a rushed exhalation of frustration He took his ti he had to get off his chest that he could never tell another living soul, could never tell another man but Father Patrick was soory than a Guardian brother, or a friend But even sitting alone in the privacy of the bathroom, which had been turned into his tiled confessional, just for it out loud would give it energy and reality, and then he wouldn't be able to tuck it neatly away and ignore it It had gnaay at his brain so long that it nearly bled He had to get it out
"Father Pat," he whispered, his voice barely audible to his own ears "I'm scared, man I can't lead this teaet so since the battle in Philly"
The words had come out in a panicked rush of emotion A repressed sob held backand speaking to the cold bathroom floor "I know this ain't your depart things ain't right" He clutched his hands together as his forear mortar between the tiles
I can't sync up with her, he murmured within his mind, unable to verbalize this deeply personal pain "I hope you can hear this part,as much to the absent Father Patrick as to hilanced toward the , as the walls in the bathroo about it, o take a long walk He needed fresh air "I'm a Scorpio, what do you want fro to joke it off It didn't work; it just made him feel worse and made the truth barrel into the forefront of his mind
"All right" Carlos sighed "No games" He focused on the small clerical cot and wooden chair that used to be the only furniture in the old safe house room where he and Father Pat had some of their deepest discussions Then he jarred the lid to his very personal thoughts, the real dark and scary portions that he shared with no one, and mentally told the truth
At first, when I got ht I'd been, you know, messed up - permanent Then I found out I wasn't And I' on all cylinders Comprende?
Carlos let his shoulders drop and intensely studied a single tile on the floor
When I go to touch her, she pulls back, almost like she's afraid of me or doesn't want There's no heat, you knohat I'? Half the time I don't even feel like it, e There was a tiet a h notes in three-part harmony Now I can't explain it We don't even lock anymore It's like we're just roommates
Carlos stopped breathing for a h his nose and let it out quickly through hisback "What's wrong withlike this in my life" Me, I could always count on, if I couldn't count on nothing else now
He looked at the door, wishing his vision could bore through it to see Damali like before Goodthe past like an old drunk nursed a drink in a rundown bar thinking back on the good old days or nights andout the twisted parts about it Yeah, he knew that's what he was doing, but that still didn't make it any better His past was a complicated blend of the horrible and awesome Bitter irony
Perhaps karma, as Shabazz would say But he'd never breathe any of this to his seasoned Guardian brother The shit sounded weak, pitiful Soft
He wasn't about to divulge to another man beyond a priest that all he had left was his hard outer shell, and some of his pride?illusion caster that he'd once been It was the law of the jungle; you never showed anyone or anything your soft underbelly, lest you get it ripped open and that wasn't an option in the joint, in the 'hood, or in Hell Never And no woet that Natural law Yeah, he'd suck it up and figure this out alone Father Patrick didn't have advice for so like this
"I'm not feelin' this shit at all, ue over his teeth - so hard or pissed or both "Old habits die hard," he said with a crisp tsk of his tongue against a normal canine, and then stared at his hands "Fuck it"
He didn't miss the blood, the torture, or the foul darkness, but there were sos he secretly had to admit his soul ached for He tried to tuck all that away and into his o back to bed; he couldn't even tell Father Patrick about that part, or abouthis old power, even if it did come from the dark side He was a priest and definitely wouldn't understand
But strangely, all the stuff he'd pulled out of the box seeo back into it as neatly after it had fallen out Nothing was crisp and folded as it spilled out
Carlos stood and stared in the , then," he said quietly through his teeth, "that'll ht now, I don't know All I know, that works, to get the job done, is power And so far, it's only been shown to e arc to it that was no joke Serious kick Feel me?"
The bathroom was silent Now, so was he Dawn fully crested He was too disgusted for words The good old nights had to go back where they belonged, inside his ed for another private revieith a nonjudgmental audience - him Carlos closed his eyes and steadied hiood-bye like an unhappy lover and slipped back into the shadows of his thoughts It had been real
Quiet as he kept, he missed all of that