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ay out of lad to see me

He wove his way uncertainly to a chair, took careful aiot up to e the back of his neck while he drooped his head forward and held it as if it pained him dreadfully His hands cupped his face as hed, leaned back and stared fuzzily up into my eyes "I should know better than to drink," heas I stepped back and sat before his, and then I feel sick Stupid to keep it up when liquor has never done anything forwith etful stupor I'm always too sensitive I overheard Jory tell you one day he was building that wonderful clipper ship to give to me, and I was secretly thrilled No one has ever spent ift--and then it's broken He did such a great job, taking so ht Now all that work is in the trash pile"

He sounded childlike, vulnerable, easy to reach and I was going to try, try to give him every ounce of love I had Notin his huladly lad to do all that tedious work a second time

"No, Mother, I don't want it now So would happen to that one, too That's the wayfro forwhat I want--my heart's desire, as I used to call the impossible dreams of my youth Wasn't that childish and silly? No wonder you pitied me--I wanted so much Too ave s I didn't even aveanyiven uests had showed up I still would have failed to i, I knew my party would prove just another failure, like all the other parties you used to givethat if tonight was successful it would set a precedent, so to speak, and all e for the better"

My second son was talking to ue

"Stupid, aren't I?" he went on "Cindy's right when she calls me a jerk and a creep I look in my mirrors and see a handsome man, very much like my father, whom you say you loved more than any other lier than sin inside Then I wake up, feel the freshon the roses, see the winter sun shining on the snow, and that tellsto offerthe real o, I decided to make this the happiest Christmas of all our lives, not only for Jory, who deserves it, but for you and for myself You think I don't love Jory, but I do"

He bowed his head into his waiting hands and sighed heavily "Confession time, Mother I hate Jory, too, I don't deny that But I hold no love at all for Cindy She's done nothing but steal froest portion of your love, the part you've got left over after giving your brother the best I've never had the iven me that Now I know she'd have taken any man just to replace Jory Any , and that's why I hate her now, just as much as I hate Cindy"

His hands calowed; the reflection from the fire made them like red-hot coals Those drinks hadWhat would he want? I stood up, moved behind his chair and slid my arms around his neck before my head lowered to rest on top of his disheveled hair "Bart, you drove away tonight and leftfor you to come home Tell me what can I do to help Nobody here hates you like you think Not even Cindy Often you ry because you disappoint us, not because ant to reject you"

"Send Chris away," he said tonelessly as if he said this without hope of ever seeing Chris gone from my life "That will tell ood about myself, and you"

Pain stabbed me "He'd die without me, Bart," I whispered "I know you can't understand the way it is between us, and I myself can't explain why he needsand alone and in a terrifying situation, and we had only each other We created a fantasy dreamlike world ere locked away and trapped ourselves in so doing, and now that we're both ed we still live in that fantasy We can't survive without it To lose him noould destroy not only him, but me as well"

"But Mother!" he cried out passionately, turning to hold me, to press his face between azed up into my face, his arms around my waist "I want you to purify your soul before it's too late What you do with Chris is against the rules of God and society Let hi terrible, let go of your brother's love"

I dreay, brushed back a fallen wisp ofdefeated and hopeless, for it was so impossible, what he asked "Would you hurt me, Bart?"

He bit down on his lip, a childish habit that came back when he was disturbed "I don't know Sometimes I want to More than I want to hurt him You smile atyou never to change Then I go to bed and hear whispers in my head that tell me you are evil and deserve to die When I think of you dead and in the ground, tears fill my eyes and my heart feels empty and broken, heavier than lead--and I'm undone I feel so cold, so alone and scared Mother, am I crazy? Why is it I can't fall in love with confidence that it will last? Why can't I forget about what you do?

"I thought for a while that Melodic and I had it an to turn fat and ugly She whined and nagged, and complained about my home Even Cindy was more appreciative I took her to the best restaurants, to plays and movies, and tried to take herof the ballet and how much it means to her, and that's when I found out I was only a substitute for Jory and she never loved et her loss for a while Now she doesn't even look like the girl I fell in love with She wants pity and sympathy, not love She took my love and turned it around, so now I can't stand to look at her"

Sighing, he lowered his eyes and said in such a low voice I could hardly hear him, "I see that kid, Cindy, and realize she must look the way you used to, and a little bit of me knohy Chris fell in love with you That makes me hate her worse She teases me, you know Cindy would like to creep underas wicked as what Chris does with you She strolls around in her bedroo but bikini bra and bottoht she had on a nightgown so transparent I could see right through it She just stood there and let , but a whore"