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Everyone around the table groans, including my brother

“I’lad someone finally asked the important questions” Aunt Myrtle’s sparkly eyes narrow as she sets her fork down on the edge of the plate and refolds the napkin on her lap dramatically She’s about to start a story, and I’iven me…” Dramatic pause “My youth back”

“You don’t say,” Mom deadpans

Auntie ignores her niece “There isn’t a lot to do when you’re ive me back my driver’s license” More narrowed stares around the dinner table “You get pulled over twice for driving too fast and suddenly you’re unfit to drive”

“You can barely see over the steering wheel”

“I’olf cart” She rolls her eyes It’s then that I notice her lids are covered in a thin hue of blue shadow, lashes brushed with black mascara “I would date men from the retirement communities, but did you know they’re riddled with…” She lowers her voice “The clap?”

Yes, I did know that BECAUSE SHE BRINGS IT UP EVERY OPPORTUNITY SHE CAN

Everyone groans Again So we do often with Aunt Myrtle around and her wild stories

Lilly giggles softly “The clap?”

“You kids call it sexually transain when Aunt Myrtle says, “I myself narrowly escaped the herp last year”

“The herp?”

We all knohat Auntie is about to say

“You know—the herpes” She dabs at her mouth with the napkin “Siious”

The fact that she uses the word ‘the’ in front of everything hasup

“The rhea?” Lilly asks it slowly “Like…diarrhea?”

“No, the gonge-arrhea”

“That’s not how it’s pronounced,” Alex announces “Even I know that”

“Can we please talk about so else Please”

My brother vigorously shakes his head “Roe the subject once—you can’t ask to do it again House rules”

“Those aren’t the house rules Like, at all” Dad laughs, sounding a lot like one of my peers “Besides, I kind of want to hear her explain the ’rhea”

“Honestly, Josh, could you not?” This from my mother

“So what you’re saying is, dating apps are much safer for you?”

“Absolutely Do you kno hard it is to get an old geezer to wrap it up?”