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"And the elation returned to me, the wild elation I felt when I left Sweetheart's hospital room, and tears rolled down hosts of the ce people I cried

" 'You come inside with me,' Jasmine said She took me by the shoulders 'Come on, Taw-quin, you come on,' she said She only calledit 'Taw-quin,' when she was very serious I followed her in, and she told ne too

"Now, being a country kid I had drunk wine and whiskey plenty of tih neverat the kitchen table -- after Jasne

"That night I was violently sick,to burst, the Easter party was ov

er and I was vo in no uncertain terain "

Chapter10

10

"IN THE WEEKS that followed I felt better I don't think you can feel sheer panic continuously Your mental system breaks down It comes in waves, and you have to tell yourself, well, this will end

"I went back to a leaden eable, and my mind was so, and of her cooking, and of little things, unis, that she had said, or would say, and then a terror would follow, as if soe nine stories up above a street

"Meantiotten what Patsy had called me -- sissy, Little Lord Fauntleroy, queer I knew perfectly well fro, as well as books, what thatinevitable adolescent suspicion that that characterization was true

"Understand, I was too good a Catholic to experiood opportunities had co romantically with anybody else I didn't think people went blind from self-stimulation, but the contemplation of it filled me with a Catholic shame

"But I had had wet dreah I'd awakened disturbed and hu the memory of what really drove them, I had a deep suspicion that they were about men

"No wonder Pops had offered two hundred grand to Patsy for a baby He thought I'd neverat me He knew from the way I couldn't haht aboutover supper about movies like The Red Shoes and The Tales of Hoffmann? He kneas queer Hell, probably everybody who'd ever seen me knew

"Goblin knew Goblin aiting Goblin was a profoundpower Goblin was queer!

"And what about the palpable embrace of Goblin, and the way that soh allthe hairs everywhere onmy body to wake up?