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We hadn’t spoken a single word since we left the sauna Not even a goodnight I could hardly breathe Was he going to sleep without tellinguninterested in him?

“Do you think it would be weird if I wanted to kiss a guy?”

For a second, I wasn’t sure if Sa? Did that sentence say what I thought? I’d grown up bilingual, but suddenly I felt like I didn’t speak any language fluently My heart was about to explode My throat was a desert

“Why would I think that’s weird?” I didn’t even recognize my own croaky voice

I waited

Sam was silent beside me On our backs in the darkness, there was only a few inches between us I stared at nothing, wishing I hadn’t switched off the Christht and look at him

My? But as this, exactly? Was Sa aloud?

I replayed his question It hadn’t sounded casual His whisper had been quiet Eager? Scared? I didn’t want him to be scared What if he liked soht of hiht in the balls, he was my best friend

I loved him I couldn’t let him be afraid

“It’s okay,” I whispered “Whatever you want to do is okay With whoever”

Silence Aside fro in my chest The heat from Sam’s body beside me was a furnace under the duvet Sweat prickled the back of my neck If it wasn’t me he wanted to kiss, I’d die

It’s not !

When I’d asked him to come to Tremblant, I should have known there’d only be one bed I should have known I’d be torturing myself for a week Joyeux Noël! Happy New Year! Here’s some torment!

“You don’t think it’s weird?” Sah

I exhaled “Of course not I’ve wanted to kiss guys for years”

“Have you ever…”

My throat closed, s frozen

I waited

“You don’t want to kiss me, do you?”

It was still too dark to see him Not that I could move a muscle to look his way I had to answer But as he asking? Was he freaked out? Had he finally guessed that I wanted him?