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‘The good guys win, Ray Milland gets the girl, and the baddies are all bloay,’ I tell the audience assembled round the TV

‘You’ve seen it before?’ asks one of the inmates

‘No, you stupid fucker,’ says another ‘We always lose Have you ever known it end any other way?’

Once locked back in lass of Buxton water, eat a packet of S finished my five-minute non-prison meal, I clean

I’ve written about a thousand words when I hear a key turning in the lock, always a welcome distraction because, as I’veof freedoht even be allowed to escape for a few minutes

I’reeted by a lady in civilian clothes ears the inevitable badge – in her case, Librarian ‘Good afternoon,’ I say as I rise from my place and smile She looks surprised

‘If a prisoner asks you to sign a book, could you in future say no,’ she says without bothering to introduce herself I look puzzled; after all, I’ve been asked to sign books for the past twenty-five years ‘It’s just that they are all library books,’ she continues, ‘and they’re being stolen They’ve now becos, and are worth double with your signature’

I assure her I will not sign another library book She nods and slams the door closed

I continue writing, aware that the next opportunity for a break will come e have the allocated forty-fiveused to the routine of the door opening, lining up to be searched, and then being released into the yard I’ve written about another two thousand words before the door opens again

Having gone through the ritual, I stroll around the large square accolary) and anotheroffence), who supports Arsenal One circuit, and I discover that the only way to stop Mark boring ree with him that Arsenal, despite Manchester United’s recent record, is the best tealand

Desperate for a change of subject, I point to a sad figure walking in front of us, the only prisoner in the yard who looks older than me

‘Poor old thing,’ says Vincent ‘He shouldn’t be here, but he’s what’s known as a bag o, so he ends up in prison’

‘But as his crime?’ I ask

‘Nothing, if the truth be known Every feeeks he throws a brick through a shopand then hangs around until the police turn up to arrest him’

‘Why would he do that?’ I ask