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We were in love I thought how I felt, how he felt, was real

But it wasn't

Turns out it was only real for me I try to tell myself, as I step froht

Maybe it wasn't real for me either

But that's a lie A coward's lie I'm not a coward

Ezra was a coward He showed nored the Did he ever really even think we did, or was it always just a ga to do in his spare time?

I ask myself this fifty times a day, and I think I can't answer

I reainst hi else—I think hesqueeze me And his eyes Sometimes when he looked at me, I swear—

I s before tears blur my eyes and try to fix my attention on the woods behind the derelict house They're not really woods, I guess Justvines and grass and these big, mossy trees It feels like another life e sat under one of theht of his torso on my lap

It's quiet and cold out today Kind of wet and huet intoit up Then I reach into o sit on the steps of the house Pull the last cigarette out of his pack and light the thing up

I smoked the second-to-last one the day after he left Just like that one, this tastes like shit and h like crazy I don't want to do it any I don't even knohy I guess because I need so to make me feel like he was here Like that shit really happened

I feel sick when I'whatever I should have done To keep him here To make him happy

I wipe et into the car Mom and Carl went to Carl's Dad's place in Mobile; dude is almost 80 and has Parkinson's, so he lives in a care facility If Moive a shit I'onna die at twenty miles an hour on the mostly empty streets of Fairplay

Back home, I watch some TV on the couch, pick at some turkey and potatoes, and walk upstairs Mom and Carl are supposed to be hoh

I walk through my room into the bathroom His stuff was in here, but my mom moved it all She put it in a drawer on his side of the bathroom I don't open the drawer I don't want to sht now