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I also had a private stash of Vodka near the tree

I grab it and sit in the ater, wearing nothing but my black briefs I lean back and look up at the stars

And I count

One

Two

Three

Four

How many days?

Weeks?

Months?

Or is it worse? Is it mere hours?

I immediately want to call Nikolai and ask

Instead, I sit there and try to be thankful that I have people who love me, who care for me, that when it mattered, I protected her—and saved him

“He can never know,” I whisper in a rough voice “You can’t… you can’t tell him”

Nikolai sighs, hanging his head “He should know”

“No,” I say again “He can never fucking know”

“It should have been Junior or Valerian, even King Why did it have to be you, Maksim? Why?”

“Because I owe hi If I can’t do this one thing, orth do I have to this family? To h; it’s finally my turn to bleed”

It was one of the last lucid conversations I had with Nikolai before the sickness started before I had to take the drugs

I hear so toward me The property is like a corab the knife I always keep next to the rock and wait

Izzy’s head pops around the corner “Phoenix said I could find you here”

“Phoenix,” I grus”

“Prettyoff her flip flops She’s still in her gray jersey knit dress, it hugs her soft curves, and I love it

I also want to get it wet, so it sticks more

“I know that look” She laughs; the water is up to her knees “Go get your rocks off elsewhere, Leg Day skipper”

“Again, one time!” I splash her

She laughs and splashes me back

I want to say it should always be like this

But it’s too hard to get the words out of my mouth

I’

But I have to do it

“You can get in if you want,” I say, ain when she’s close because my control is nil

Hah, nil, fun word

Control it, control it, control it

I exhale

I breathe in the outside air

I feel the ater on my skin