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CHAPTER 1

Elodie

We’re getting to that part You know, the good part as far as weddings go The part everyone wakes up for, and the one bit of the ceremony that isn’t a snooze fest The in sickness and in health part It’s only a few minutes away now, and after that, I’ll be in for a lifetime of marital shit In the department of I do, I’m very solidly in the I don’t As in, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life married to a man I don’t love

Where is he? Where the hell is he?

He promised If there’s one person I trust in the world , not a person—it’s Taylen He’s a practical joker with a sharp, acerbic wit, and he’s my childhood best friend He’s still roup for people who have rannies He has an i cere here

Fuck my life with a dill pickle

I’ onto this ridiculous dress, which has ruffles and bows It’s a hties proportions Moave her dibs on the wedding dress They either had it all figured out, or they rock paper scissored for it Maybe they drew straws

Where the H-E-L-L is Taylen?

We’re in a church, and right now, the pastor with the shiny bald head in the white robe is getting to the part that I a rescued fros turn into actual sludge—I knoon’t be able to save o on even if I sprout nine additional heads or pull a flaoes any further, I’ to end up as Mrs Henry Martin Johnathan Chadwick Horton Peterson Jr

Yes As if it was necessary to stick a Jr to the back of such an atrociously long name

I’ll be Mrs Henry Martin Johnathan Chadwick Horton Peterson Jr for life I’ll be a woood with nuht ask? Well, I’ht now, standing here at so,forced to promise my life to a man I hardly even know, and the parts I do know, I don’t like, it’s not a good et myself into this situation?

The long and short of it is that my parents are sinfully rich, and in the world of rich and not-so-fauess fathers like to choose husbands for their daughters Or at least h He told uy—handso star, old money, already a star, or soood as old money but would still pass, and did Ito choose for me Naively, I didn’t believe him

That is until Henry Martin Johnathan Chadwick Horton Peterson Jr showed up at dinner one night The rest is, as they say, history It’s been three years, but at least eh we technically still are I think in the past three years since Henry got down on one knee at the very first dinner where I ht have been in the same room all of three times, and usually only for a fewin each other’s company

Every single time I saw Henry, he wore a polo shirt and white pants I half expected hi the same, but no He came in a white tux My parents took care of all the details for the wedding, so my bridesmaids are also women I barely knoould never have wantedanyway Plus, I had plans all along to ditch it Or is it trash and crash it? Well, whatever it is, I don’t care since I have no plans whatsoever ofHenry

The pastor then turns to ives me the are you ready to promise your life away look Henry’s already done his part

This stupid dress is so soaked with sweat that it feels like it weighs a hundred freaking pounds I think I ht have to do thisto pull it off Frockstickle Hoill I get aithout a getaway car? All , ether without raising my parents’ suspicions since they still have ht leash