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Nothing she’d done had ever been right in her irl who desperately wanted to please, this failure had left scars The worst of theht of the Christ day

Meredith didn’t recall how old she was exactly, but Nina had just started her swi lessons, so maybe ten, and Dad had taken her sister to the pool, so Meredith was alone with Mo house She’d snuck out after lunch, with tools in her hand and a packet of seeds in her pocket Alone in the winter garden, hurew over everything and dragged away the old verdigris copper colu the muddy black earth with her trowel, she’d carefully planted flower seeds in neat and tidy rows She could picture how they would grow and blooreen and white so-called garden

She’d been pleased with herself for co it so well As she worked the dirt and divided up the seeds and carefully placed the out here, seeing this gift, and—finally—hugging her

So intent was she on the dream that she didn’t hear the house door sla-stones The first notice she’d had that she wasn’t alone hen Mom yanked her to her feet so hard and fast that Meredith stumbled and fell sideways

What have you done to arden?

I wanted to make it pretty for you I—

Meredith would never forget the look on her ed her across the yard and up the porch steps All the way into the house, Meredith was crying, saying she was sorry, asking what she’d done that was so bad, but her , just pushed her into the house and slammed the door shut

Meredith stood at the dining roo herthe seeds away as if they held some kind of poison Moht all the ivy back, cradling it in her hands with a gentleness she’d never shown her children, and when that was all returned to its place, she went for the colu it into its place When the winter garden looked as it had, she dropped to her knees in front of the column and stayed there all afternoon, with her head bowed as if in prayer She was still there when night fell and rain started

When she finally caers bleeding, her face streaked by mud and rain, she didn’t even look at Meredith, just walked up the stairs and closed her bedroom door

They never spoke of that day again And when Dad came home, Meredith threw herself into his arms and cried until he said, What is it, Meredoodle?

Maybe if she’d said sos, changed her, but she couldn’t do it I just love you, Daddy, she’d said, and his booain

And I love you, he’d said She wanted that to be enough, prayed for it to be enough, but it wasn’t, and she felt her own sense of failure blosso her mother

She closed her eyes, rocking just a little Nina rong Dad would understand

A thu to see Luke or Leia in the roo for a little attention

Jeff stood in the doorway, still dressed in the worn Levi’s and blue crew-neck sweater he’d put on yesterday