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Because of Nikolai

I shook h there was no one around to see it No one except Cliff’s ht

Not like Nikolai who’d always been right there to make sure I was safe Despite the fact that I was currently sitting on a deserted beach with no one in sight for ht next to me if he were there

He’d lean intoIf I wanted to press against him because the ocean breeze was just a bit too cool, he’d undoubtedly letarers over my skin in one of his uniquely Nikolai moves

Lies, the voice in my head reminded me

I love you, Jude Forever And not the kind of forever that all those assholes supposedly promised you when you were a kid The kind that’s real The kind that doesn’t change The kind that isn’t fucking convenient I love you No apologies, no fucking consolation prizes if it doesn’t work out because that’s not an option for me

“Fuck,” I whispered to h water andin on dinner time, but I had no desire to eat

Just like I had no desire to work

Or sleep

Or exercise

Nikolai had stolen all that fro and it was the one thing I couldn’t have

Unless I illing to live a lie

Which I just couldn’t do

I’d spentto make people love me for real and it hadn’t worked I’d twisted ht I should be and yet here I was, still alone I had to read the writing on the wall… soet their happily ever after

Instead of heading straight to the house, I ardens instead I tried to take pleasure in the array of colors and smells as I walked past the endless rows of flowers, but they ave up on finding any kind of distraction outdoors and headed toward the side entrance A ht my attention I moved closer and saw that Cliff was inside the sizeable structure I hadn’t talked ht I’d learned the truth about Nikolai I’d siet me and just like that, he’d sent his , I felt like I was taking advantage of his hospitality, but I also knew I needed to let him know about a decision I’d made