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I can’t have you, but I have dreams

—Brandi Carlile

SOMETIMES

PETER AND THE PIANO BELONGED to each other the way I alanted hi to me

At the baby grand in his living roo as they waited to launch into a song The anticipation was my favorite part He drew his lower lip between his teeth and squinted at his scribbles on the sheet music

I didn’t kno he kept his back so straight As a dancer, I’d suffered countless teachers critiquing h he’d been carved from the same wood He and the instrument understood each other, while I sometimes wondered if I tried too hard to make dance love me

On the floor, I flexed and pointeda piece we’d probably never show anyone else I started dance at the same time Peter started piano lessons, and as kids we performed for each other—showed off, really—which turned into this: I choreographed solo routines set to his original coly called us the Terrible Twosome, and the name had stuck

“Hey, Peter,” I say, trying to sound confident and casual and cool We were alone in his house, a rarity, and I wouldn’t have dared ask this question if his parents were hanging around I let out a deep breath Eight counts Sixteen “Do youever think about it?”

Truthfully, it was so time I was fifteen and he was fourteen, and we’d been best friends since ere toddlers We talked about his doctor’s appointments and his medications and even the catheter in his belly But we never talked about this And, well, I was curious I couldn’t help myself

Slowly his head spun in my direction He needed a haircut Peter with his hair a little too long wash his dark locks Maybe I’d tracethe shell of his ear, see if itabout it almost made me shiver

“Do you mean sex?” His voice cracked on the word “sex,” and I nodded I would have laughed if I hadn’t been so serious about it all Peter’s vocal cords were stuck in boyhood; it reminded me eren’t as adult as I wished ere “YeahI mean, sometimes”

“Me too,” I rushed to say “Someti I thought about This tih to show him I was totally comfortable with the conversation Ha-ha-ha, I think about sex too! But only sometimes!