Page 36 (1/2)

ONE

WHEN I WAS a kid, I was afraid of spiders and vegetables As an adult, I’ve eliht-o-meter, but I’ve added a whole bunch of other stuff Homicidal maniacs, serial rapists, cellulite, Joe Morelli’s Grandanized exercise

My name is Stephanie Plum, and I work as a bond enforcereat job, but it allows anized exercise, and I hardly ever encounter rabid bats The reht-o-meter items lurk in the dark shadows of s in those shadows Joe Morelli without his Grander without his clothes, my crazy family, my hamster, Rexand Lula Lula actually fits soood stuff She’s a for as the office file clerk and apprentice bounty hunter Lula’s got a plus-size personality and body, and a petite-size wardrobe She’s got brown skin, blond hair, and last week she had tiny rhinestones pasted onto her eyelids

It was Monday er, and I were in the bonds office enjoying ourcoffee, and Lula slid her red Firebird to a stop at the curb We watched Lula through the big plate-glassin the front of the srimace Lula was in a state She lurched out of the Firebird, beeped it locked, and burst into the office, her eyes wild, rolling around in their sockets, her hands waving in the air

“I saw it all,” she said “It was terrible It was horrible I couldn’t believe it was happening And right in front of hnuts? ’Cause I need a doughnut I need a whole bag Andand cheese and bacon and grease I got a big grease craving”

I kneould be a huge mistake to ask Lula what she’d seen, but I couldn’t stop myself

“What was terrible and horrible?” I asked

Connie leaned forward, elbows on her desk, already knowing the telling of the story would be a car crash Connie is a couple years older than arian and half Italian, Connie is Italian through and through Her hair is jet black, her lipstick is fire-engine red, her body is va-va-voom

Lula paced in front of Connie’s desk “First off, I hardly had tiht, and by the time I booted his butt out of my bed, I already ot up late, and then I couldn’t decide what to wear One day it’s hot out and next thing it’s cold And then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there’s a difference, you know”

“Jeez Louise,” Connie said “Could you get to it?”

“The point bein’ I was late,” Lula said “I was tryin’ to put makeup on and drive, and I missed a turn, and before I knew it I was someplace I didn’t want to be So I pulled over to look around and figure things out, and when I did thatwent all over the floor So I was bent over to get uess it looked like there was no one in the car, because when I caht in front of uy’s body”

“Excuse me?”

“This one iant meat cleaver And the other moron had a hold of this man in a suit And whack! No head The head popped off its neck and bounced down the street”