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Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Joshua's , soh and low points, I could never reist of alive

You should be nice to people, even creeps

And if you:

a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)

b) he had come to save you from sin (and)

c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say)(and)

d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c),

then you would:

e) live forever

f) someplace nice

g) probably heaven

However, if you:

h) sinned (and/or)

i) were a hypocrite (and/or)

j) valued things over people (and)

k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,

then you were:

l) fucked

Which is the o, and which seemed, at the time, succinct to the point of rudeness, but made more sense after you listened to a few hundred sermons

That's what he taught, that's e learned, that's e passed on to the people in the towns of Galilee Not everybody was good at it, however, and soie, and I returned froue at Capernaus that sat around hi a flank steak as a hat, so I' skills that held their attention

Joshua snatched the steak off of Bartholos suddenly found their faith "Bart, Bart, Bart," Josh said as he shook the big s Don't cast your pearls before swine You're wasting the Word"

"I don't have any pearls I am slave to no possessions"

"It's a ive the Word to those who aren't ready to receive it"

"You mean like when you drowned the swine in Decapolis? They weren't ready for it?"

Joshua looked at ed

Maggie said, "That's exactly right, Bart You got it"

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Bart said "Okay guys, we're off to preach the Word in Magdala" He climbed to his feet and led his pack of disciples toward the lake

Joshua looked at Maggie "That's not what I meant at all"

"Yes it is," she said, then she took off to find Johanna and Susanna, toospel

"That's not what I meant," Joshua said to me

"Have you ever won an argument with her?"

He shook his head

"Then say ao see what Peter's wife has cooked up"

The disciples were gathered around outside of Peter's house, sitting on the logs we had arranged in a circle around a fire pit They were all looking down and seelum prayer Even Mattheas there, when he should have been at his job collecting taxes in Magdala

"What's wrong?" asked Joshua

"John the Baptist is dead," said Philip

"What?" Joshua sat down on the log next to Peter and leaned against him

"We just saw Bartholo about it"

"We just found out," said Andrew "Matthew just brought the news from Tiberius"

It was the first tiht of enthusiased ten years in the last few hours "Herod had him beheaded," he said

"I thought Herod was afraid of John," I said It was rumored that Herod had kept John alive because he actually believed him to be the Messiah and was afraid of the wrath of God should the holy man perish

"It was at the request of his stepdaughter," said Matthew "John was killed at the behest of a teenage slut"

"Well, jeez, if he wasn't dead already, the irony would have killed him," I said

Joshua stared into the dirt before hi, I couldn't tell Finally he said, "John's folloill be like babes in the wilderness"

"Thirsty?" guessed Nathaniel

"Hungry?" guessed Peter

"Horny?" guessed Thomas

"No, you dumbfucks, lost They'll be lost!" I said "Jeez"

Joshua stood "Philip, Thaddeus, go to Judea, tell John's followers that they are welco them here"

"But master," Judas said, "John has thousands of followers If they come here, hoe feed them?"

"He's new," I explained

The next day was the Sabbath, and in the ue, an old man in fine clothes ran out of the bushes and threw himself at Joshua's feet "Oh, Rabbi," he wailed, "I ahter has died People say that you can heal the sick and raise the dead, will you help me?"

Joshua looked around A half-dozen local Pharisees watched us froe Joshua turned to Peter "Take the Word to the synagogue today I a to help this man"

"Thank you, Rabbi," the rich ushed He hurried off and waved for us to follow

"Where are you taking us?" I asked

"Only as far as Magdala," he said

To Joshua I said, "That's farther than a Sabbath's journey allows"

"I know," Joshua said

As we passed through all of the sdala, people ca as they dared on a Sabbath, but I could also see the elders, the Pharisees, watching as ent

The hter had her own sleeping rooirl lay "Please save her, Rabbi"

Joshua bent down and exairl "Go out of here," he said to the old one Joshua looked at me "She's not dead"

"What?"

"This girl is sleeping Maybe they've given her so powder, but she is not dead"

"So this is a trap?"

"I didn't see this one co either," Joshua said "They expect me to claim that I raised her fro Blasphe on the Sabbath"

"Let me raise her from the dead, then I "

"They'll blaet too The local Pharisees didn't devise this themselves"

"Jakan?"

Josh nodded "Go get the old ather as many witnesses as you can, Pharisees as well Make a ruckus"

When I had about fifty people gathered in and around the house, Joshua announced, "This girl isn't dead, she's sleeping, you foolish oldher eyes "Keep watch on your strong wine, old rieve that you have broken the Sabbath for your ignorance"

Then Joshua stormed out and I followed him When ere a ways down the street he said, "Do you think they bought it?"

"Nope," I said

"Me either," Joshua said

In the es I was still sleeping when I heard the shouting "I can only speak to Joshua of Nazareth," someone said in Latin

"You'll speak to ain," I heard someone else say (Obviously so life) I was up and running in an instant,unbelted behinddown a legionnaire The soldier had partially drawn his short sword

"Judas!" I barked "Back down"

I put myself between theion that would follow him if I did "Who sends you, soldier?"

"I have a ion, for Joshua bar Joseph of Nazareth" He glared at Judas overinit"

I turned to face Judas, whose face was on fire with anger I knew he carried a dagger in his sash, although I hadn't told Joshua about it "Justus is a friend, Judas"

"No Ro no effort whatever to whisper

And at that point, realizing that Joshua hadn't reached our new Zealot recruit with the et himself killed, I quickly reached up under Judas' tunic, clamped onto his scrotum, squeezed once, rapidly and extremely hard, and after he blasted a mouthful of slobber on my chest, his eyes rolled in his head and he sluht hiround so he didn't hit his head Then I turned to the Roman

"Fainting spells," I said "Let's go find Joshua"

Justus had sent us three ie; the Pharisees' full council hadto kill Joshua; and Herod Antipas had heard of Joshua's ht be the reincarnation of John the Baptist Justus' only personal note was one word: Careful

"Joshua, you need to hide," said Maggie "Leave Herod's territory until things settle down Go to Decapolis, preach to the gentiles Herod Philip has no love for his brother, his soldiers won't bother you" Maggie had become a fiercely dedicated preacher herself It was as if she had channeled her personal passion for Joshua into a passion for the Word

"Not yet," said Joshua "Not until Philip and Thaddeus return with John's followers I will not leave them lost I need a sermon, one that can serve as if it was one Once I deliver it to Galilee, I'll go to Philip's territory"

I looked at Maggie and she nodded, as if to say, Do what you have to, but protect him

"Let's write it then," I said

Like any great speech, the Sermon on the Mount sounds as if it just happened spontaneously, but actually Joshua and I worked on it for over a week - Joshua dictating andnotes on parch a thin piece of charcoal between two pieces of olive wood so that I could write without carrying a quill and inkwell) We worked in front of Peter's house, out in the boat, even on the mountainside where he would deliver the ser section of the serely, I realize now, ie had resolved to stay celibate and preach the Word, I think Joshua wanted to drive the point home

Joshua said, "Put in 'If a man even looks at a woman with lust in his heart, he has committed adultery'"

"Really, you want to go with that? And this 'If a divorced woman remarries she commits adultery'?"

"Yeah"

"Seems a little harsh A little Pharisee-ish"

"I had some people in mind What do you have?"

"'Verily I say unto you' - I know you like to say 'verily' when you're talking about adultery - anyway, 'Verily I say unto you, that should a o upon all fours and bark like a dog, while knowing her, if you knohat I mean, then he has coht back, well she has jumped on the adultery donkey cart herownself And if a woman should pretend to be a powerful queen, and anames and make hi dogs - and woe unto the man if he pretends to be a powerful queen, and - '"

"That's enough, Biff"

"But you want to be specific, don't you You don't want people to walk around wondering, 'Hey, is this adultery, or what? Maybe you should roll over'"

"I'ood idea"

"Okay, how 'bout this: 'Should a hty bits, then it isadultery, or at least they should consider it'"

"Well, maybe more specific than that"

"Come on, Josh, this isn't an easy one like 'Thou shalt not kill' Basically, there you got a corpse, you got a sin, right?"

"Yes, adultery can be sticky"

"Well, yesLook, a seagull!"

"Biff, I appreciate that you feel obliged to be an advocate for your favorite sins, but that's not what I need here What I need is help writing this ser on the Beatitudes?"

"Pardon me?"

"The blesseds"

"We've got: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness; blessed are the poor in spirit, the pure in heart, the whiners, the meek, the - "

"Wait, what are we giving the meek?"

"Let's see, uh, here: Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say, 'attaboy'"

"A little weak"

"Yeah"

"Let's let the meek inherit the earth"

"Can't you give the earth to the whiners?"

"Well then, cut the whiners and give the earth to the meek"

"Okay Earth to the o Blessed are the peacemakers, the mourners, and that's it"

"How many is that?"

"Seven"

"Not enough We need one more How about the dumbfucks?"

"No, Josh, not the duh for the dumbfucks Nathaniel, Thomas - "

"Blessed are the dumbfucks for they, uh - I don't know - they shall never be disappointed"

"No, I' the line at duuys on our team? Why do we have to have the meek, and the poor, the oppressed, and the pissed on? Why can't we, for once, have blessed are the big powerful rich guys with swords?"

"Because they don't need us"

"Okay, but no 'Blessed are the dumbfucks'"

"Who then?"

"Sluts?"

"No"

"How about the wankers? I can think of five or six disciples that would be really blessed"

"No wankers I've got it: Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake"

"Okay, better What are you going to give them?"

"A fruit basket"

"You can't give the uys a fruit basket"

"Give thedom of heaven"

"The poor in spirit got that"

"Everybody gets some"

"Okay then, 'share the Kingdom of Heaven'" I wrote it down

"We could give the fruit basket to the dumbfucks"

"NO DUMBFUCKS!"

"Sorry, I just feel for them"

"You feel for everyone, Josh It's your job"

"Oh yeah I forgot"

We finished writing the sermon only a few hours before Philip and Thaddeus returned fro three thousand of John's followers Joshua had theather on a hillside above Capernaum, then sent the disciples into the crowd to find the sick and bring the, then co below the mountain

Peter said, "There's at least another thousand people frory"

"How much food do we have?" Joshua asked

Judas came forith a basket "Five loaves and two fish"

"That will do, but you'll need more baskets And about a hundred volunteers to help distribute the food Nathaniel, you, Bartholoo into the crowd and findtheet back we'll have the food for them"

Judas thren his basket "We have five loaves, how do you think - "

Joshua held up his hand for silence and the Zealot clammed up "Judas, today you've seen the lame walk, the blind see, and the deaf hear"

"Not to mention the blind hear and the deaf see," I added

Joshua scowled at me "It will take little more to feed a few of the faithful"