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Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I've h to read a few chapters of this New Testament that they've added to the Bible This Matthew felloho is obviously not the Matthew that we knew, see from the time Joshua was born to the tiht me back to write this book This Matthew fellow hasn't mentioned me yet, but I'm still in the early chapters I have to rationsuspicious Today he confronted me when I came out of the bathroom

"You are spending a lot of time in there You don't need to spend so much time in there"

"I told you, cleanliness is very important to my people"

"You weren't bathing I would have heard the water running"

I decided that I needed to go on the offensive if I was going to keep the angel fro the Bible I ran across the room, leapt onto his bed, and fastenedhim as I chanted: "I haven't been laid in two thousand years I haven't been laid in two thousand years I haven't been laid in two thousand years" It felt good, there was a rhythm to it, I sort of squoze his throat a bit with every syllable

I paused for athe heavenly host to backhand hiht rabbed me by the hair with his other hand and cal me into the air by my hair

"O, o," I said

"So, you have not been laid in two thousand years? What does that mean?"

"O, ow," I replied

The angel set rasp on my hair "So?"

"It means that I haven't had a wo up any of the vocabulary from the television?"

He glanced at the TV, which, of course, was on "I don't have your gift of tongues What does that have to do with choking me?"

"I was choking you because you, once again, are as dense as dirt I haven't had sex in two thousand years Men have needs What the hell do you think I' in the bathroom all of that time?"

"Oh," the angel said, releasing my hair "So you areYou have beenThere is a"

"Get me a woman and et ht

"A woman? No, I cannot do that Not yet"

"Yet? Does that mean"

"Oh look," the angel said, turning from me as if I was no "

And with that, my secret Bible was safe What did he mean by "yet"?

At least this Matthew i One sentence, but that's one otten in his Gospel so far

Our second day in Jerusalereat Rabbi Hillel (Rabbi ht?) Hillel looked to be a hundred years old, his beard and hair were long and white, and his eyes were clouded over, his irisesin the sun and his nose was long and hooked, giving hile He held class allin the outer courtyard of the Te to hi questions and engaging in arguments with the Pharisees, who tried to infuse the Law into every minute detail of life

Toward the end of Hillel'shusband-to-be of ie, asked Hillel if it would be a sin to eat an egg that had been laid on the Sabbath

"What are you, stupid? The Lord doesn't give a damn what a chicken does on the Sabbath, you ni on the Sabbath, that's probably a sin, coin' tiry and I need a nap All of you, scram"

Joshua looked at rinned "He's not what I expected," he whispered

"Knows a nih," I said (Ni who died of suffocation after he wondered aloud in front of his guards what it would be like to have your own head stuck up your ass)

A boy younger than us helped the old ate I ran up and took the priest's other arm

"Rabbi, my friend has come from far away to talk to you Can you help him?"

The old man stopped "Where is your friend?"

"Right here"

"Then why isn't he talking for himself? Where do you come from, kid?"

"Nazareth," Joshua said, "but I was born in Bethlehem I am Joshua bar Joseph"

"Oh yeah, I've talked to your mother"

"You have?"

"Sure, almost every time she and your father come to Jerusalem for a feast she tries to see me She thinks you're the Messiah"

Joshua sed hard "Am I?"

Hillel snorted "Do you want to be the Messiah?"

Joshua looked at ed "I don't know," Josh finally said "I thought I was just supposed to do it"

"Do you think you're the Messiah?"

"I'm not sure I should say"

"That's smart," Hillel said "You shouldn't say You can think you're the Messiah all that you want, just don't tell anyone"

"But if I don't tell them, they won't know"

"Exactly You can think you're a palm tree if you want, just don't tell anyone You can think you're a flock of seagulls, just don't tell anyone You get ry and I want to go eat now, so just in case I die before supper I won't go hungry"

"But he really is the Messiah," I said

"Oh yeah," Hillel said, grabbingfor my head so he could screanorant kid How old are you? Twelve? Thirteen?"

"Thirteen"

"How could you, at thirteen, know anything? I'hty-four and I don't know shit"

"But you're wise," I said

"I'o away"

"Should I ask the Holy of Holies?" Joshua said

Hillel swung at the air, as if to slap Joshua, but missed by a foot "It's a box I sahen I could still see, and I can tell you that it's a box And you knohat else, if there were tablets in it, they aren't there now So if you want to talk to a box, and probably be executed for trying to get into the chaht ahead"

The breath seeht he would faint on the spot How could the greatest teacher in all of Israel speak of the Ark of the Covenant in such a way? How could a man who obviously knew every word of the Torah, and all the teachings written since, how could he clai?

Hillel seemed to sense Joshua's distress "Look, kid, your mother says that some very wise men came to Bethlehe that no one else knew Why don't you go see the the Messiah"

"So you aren't going to tell him how to be the Messiah?" I asked

Again Hillel reached out for Joshua, but this tier He found Joshua's cheek, and stroked it with his palsied hand "I don't believe there will be a Messiah, and at this point, I'm not sure it would make a difference to me Our people have spent s than we have spent free, so who is to say that it is God's will that we be free at all? Who is to say that God concerns hi us to be? I don't think that he does So know this, little one Whether you are the Messiah, or you beco more than a farmer, here is the sum of all I can teach you, and all that I know: treat others as you would like to be treated Can you remember that?"

Joshua nodded and the old man smiled "Go find your wise men, Joshua bar Joseph"

What we did was stay in the Teuard, even Pharisee about the Magi who had come to Jerusale an event for others as it was for Josh's fa about

By the time he'd been at it for a couple of hours he was literally screaroup of Pharisees "Three of theicians They ca gold, frankincense, and myrrh Come on, you're all old You're supposed to be wise Think!"

Needless to say, they weren't pleased "Who is this boy ould question our knowledge? He knows nothing of the Torah and the prophets and yet berates us for not renificant travelers"

It was the wrong thing to say to Joshua No one had studied the Torah harder No one knew scripture better "Ask "

In retrospect, after having grown up, so lived, died, and been resurrected froCertainly, it is a sy, but now I have soed Joshua that day at the Temple Of course, at the time, I shouted, "Smite the sons-a-bitches, Josh"

He was there for days Joshua wouldn't even leave to eat, and I went out into the city to bring him back food First the Pharisees, but later even some of the priests came to quiz Joshua, to try to throw hieneral They es from all the books of the Bible, yet he did not waver Myself, I left hih the holy city looking for Maggie, then, when I couldn't find her, for girls in general I slept at the ca all the tiht to his own fa When the Passover feast was over and ere packing up to leave, Mary, Joshua's mother, came to me in a panic

"Biff Have you seen Joshua?"

The poor woht I wanted to co eive you a co embrace"

"Biff!" I thought she ht slap me

"He's at the Teet?"

She had already taken off I caught up to her as she was dragging Joshua out of the Temple by the arm "You worried us half to death"

"You should have known you would find me in my father's house," Joshua said

"Don't you pull that 'my father' stuff on me, Joshua bar Joseph The com honored right now, young e, you could have stopped by the camp"

Joshua looked atfor me to help him out

"I tried to comfort her, Josh, but she wouldn't have it"

Later I found the two of them on the road to Nazareth and Joshua motioned for me to ith them

"Mother thinks we i, and if we find that one, he may knohere the others are"

Mary nodded, "The one nae north of Antioch He was the only one of the three that spoke any Hebrew"

I didn't feel confident Although I'd never seen a e, unspecific, and scary place "Is there more?"

"Yes, the other two had come from the East by the Silk Road Their names were Melchior and Gaspar"

"So it's off to Antioch," Joshua said He seeiven hii's names and he'd as much as found them

I said, "You're going to go to Antioch assu that someone there will remeo?"

"A ician How many can there be?"

"Well, there ht have died He ht have moved to another city"

"In that case, I will be in Antioch," Joshua said "From there I can travel the Silk Road until I find the other two"

I couldn't believealone"

"Of course"

"But Josh, you're helpless out in the world You only know Nazareth, where people are stupid and poor No offense, Mary You'll be like - uh - like a la to watch out for you"

"And what do you know that I don't? Your Latin is horrible, your Greek is barely passable, and your Hebrew is atrocious"

"Yeah If a stranger comes up to you on the road to Antioch and asks you how , what do you tell him?"

"That will depend on how "

"No it won't You haven't enough for a crust of bread You are a poor beggar"

"But that's not true"

"Exactly"

Mary put her arm around her son's shoulders "He has a point, Joshua"

Joshua wrinkled his brow as if he had to think about it, but I could tell that he was relieved that I wanted to go along "When do you want to leave?"

"When did Maggie say she was getting married?"

"In a month"

"Before then I don't want to be here when it happens"

"Me either," Joshua said

And so we spent the next feeeks preparing for our journey My father thought I was crazy, but my mother seemed happy to have the extra space in the house and pleased that the faht away