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"Yes," I say firmly, and pull back His arms drop and he stares at me helplessly

"It didn't register with ht twice about the e partied I assu bad would ever conant while I was on the pill I never gave two thoughts about the consequences of my actions because I ed up by you You co was about you, and as long as I had you, I didn't care about anything else And don't pretend it wasn't the sa elseand stupid and in no way ready to really grasp the concept of love and co our child out because I never once thought our actions could ever cause us pain I was stupid, immature, and I knew--"

My voice cracks, oesthe party with me

"I just knew," I continue, embarrassed at the way my voice quavers with such heavy euilt I carried still weighs so heavy on ht waselse e twenty, we had no worries You were a hockey god and oddess and I walked on water as far as you were concerned I understand no the young heart and mind fail to see reality and prefer to live inside a false sense of security all in the name of true love If I had been clued in just a littlehad I bothered to look away fro star for just a moment, maybe I would have paid more attention to the fact nancy test, and one to parties where there was cigarette and pot s all around Maybe I would have showed the maturity and wisdom that was necessary to prevent the death of our child--"

"Fuck," Hawke groans, that one word laced with such pain, his face is pale and his lips colorless He grabs ht to him "Not your fault, Vale Not your fault"

He squeezesthe coo I don't believe him at all when he tells me it's not my fault, but that part of me that always loved him revels in his loyalty to me

"Not your fault," he continues tome back and forth in his arms "Not your fault"

Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault

"I'ainst my hair, then pulls back to look down at me His voice crackles with emotion Tears fill his eyes, then slip and fall down his cheeks "I should have gone with you You were ranted I should have been with you, and I would have been right there when that whack-job doctor dared to make you feel responsible I should have held your hand, and hugged you and kissed away your tears I should have assured you that we'd have other chances for babies and that there were a million reasons you could have miscarried"

I want to openI can't stand the pain and grief he's enduring right now I can't stand that I took away his opportunity to be there for uilt presses down on me, and it's never been ed Hawke all those years ago

Chapter 19

Hawke

I had a baby with Vale

Vale and I created a life

Tiny Perfect

Not so perfect

Fleeting

Vale clings on to htly, her face now pressed back into y and absolution I try to reiterate to her over and over again that the e wasn't her fault Now is not the tiht, I'll ultimately need to convince her that it wasn't "our" fault either She seems to want to put so that our utter devotion to and consunorant of life

I don't agree with this

Not at all

She finally quiets My words dry up, but I continue to hold her, one hand trailing up and down her back in soothing strokes Been so long since I've held her like this, and I never thought I'd live to see the day it would happen again In ht, so comfortable In other ways, it feels aard, because Vale and I are completely different people than ere then I wonder, had this one horrific event not occurred, would we have grown together over the years, or apart?

I'd like to think together, because despite the fact ere young and probably clueless as to what real co we had that I've never found again, and I'm pretty sure Vale hasn't either

And that was a tethering of our souls