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And in this moment, as I watch two students volley back and forth while the professor laughs and prompts them to continue, it hits me This is my dream It wasn’t Ian’s, it wasn’t ours It was—still is—mine

Fat tears fillto draw attention tofrom the auditorium and out the door we came in from

Ryan follows me out and, once we’re outside and away from people, pulls me into his arms, where I cry harder than I’ve ever cried Harder than I cried when I found out Ian died, harder than I did at his funeral Ryan holds me in his arms while I release every pent-up emotion inside me When Ian died, I allowed myself to die with him, and this isn’t what he would’ve wanted He loved ic, but instead offor him—for myself Because I’m still alive

But I haven’t been living I’ve beenI’ve tried to write him a letter a million ti to say I haven’t done anything worth writing about I was so caught up in the fact that our plans were destroyed that I forgot I’m still alive and can have a life, have a future It breaks my heart that I won’t have Ian byAnd that’s exactly what I’ to live—for him, and more importantly for me

Once I’ve calhtly and look into Ryan’s azure eyes “Thank you for this For showing , what I could still have I needed this more than you will ever know I think I’m finally ready to move forward”

Ryan’s lips curl into a beautiful suess I’ll be going boating on my own in Newport” He fake pouts, but I find ht be ready to move forward, but I’ his coy

“We could still do everything you have planned,” I suggest “I don’t have anywhere I need to be”

Ryan glances down at ainst each other His hard, ainst his firue along both lips, wetting the I’ve wanted to do since the first time I saw him in the foyer of my parents’ house

I kiss him

On my tiptoes, I reach up and press my mouth to his At first he doesn’t reciprocate and I worry Iyet soft lips react to o to himself, he sucksthe seaue enters ers dip into the cheeks ofme backward until my back hits the hardness of a wall

Our tongues find one another and … our kiss deepens Ryan’s skilled ue and sucks on it, and I moan into his mouth The noisedropped to the ground and Ryan’s backing away like a caged animal