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Micaela

I wake in the ht is Ryan must’ve left But when I walk by theon the floor next to the dresser, so he must be around here somewhere I pad out to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, and while I’m there, ht food toPlus, I don’t really kno to cook, so I’o over

With a cup of coffee in one hand and my toast in the other, I head outside It’s March in Venice Beach, so the weather can fluctuate, but today it’s warainst the shore while I eat o or what to do I caive htest clue what the hell I’m supposed to do now, and so far all I’ve done is spent the night crying in my room

It doesn’t as or Venice, my heart still aches The lump in my throat still remains Every time I closein the casket—my mom warned one In Venice, my plans are still shattered, my heart is still cracked and broken

I et comfortable I close my eyes and let the sun beat down on my face The warmth a reminder that unlike Ian’s cold body buried six feet under, I’m still alive

I spend theI try to writecos I want to write down Anything I write will make Ian’s death a reality My husband is dead and isn’t co back The fact is, it’s been the reality for the last fifteen months—I just haven’t wanted to ad the sa at ho them back

First step, I think to

Early afternoon, Ryan returns He’s dressed in board shorts and flip-flops with his shirt flung over his shoulder His short hair is wet, and his skin is bronzed fro muscular shoulders, to his chiseled chest, down to his defined six-pack abs He has several tattoos covering his flesh

I briefly chastise ht, but then Ion Ian, since he isn’t here I ht be stuck frozen in place, unable to move on, but I haven’t co back I know eventually I will have to ain, have a family I’m only twenty years old I have ht of actuallya step forithout Ian byI didn’t want to have to move forithout him I was supposed to ith him, start a family with his with emotion and I have to force the sobs back I told

Instead, I focus on Ryan He’s carrying my dad’s surfboard under his arm He nods once toward n but also good Like in my oay I just took a step forward I can’t even re the smile as a step forward

He steps onto the back patio and sets the board against the side of the house, then goes about rinsing the saltwater off his body using the outdoor shower When he’s done, he grabs a towel and dries off

He goes inside, and then a few minutes later, comes back out, dressed in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, the same flip-flops on his feet I watch as he walks down the beach toward the pier, realizing he never said a single word to me I wonder if ht lose it on hih he’s been away overseas, he has to know randparents, and despite hione, I know he’s close with his, just like I am with mine—or at least was, until Ian died and I pushed everyone away