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Like being unable to for able to sleep, or feel nor what it was like to shoot his squad leader in the head, after he’d begged him to put him out of his misery? Of course he still had issues with all of that shit, but if he admitted it…Cooper would sack him He would have to

More than ever, he ht in the fucking desert Missed the guy he used to be Missed being normal But you felt normal with Lydia, and you slept, too, an inner voice whispered You could have it, with her

“Holt?” Cooper asked, his broered “You in there?”

How long had he been lost in thought?

He cleared his throat “Uh, yeah, sorry It’s been a tough road, but I’m fine I don’t have any episodes anyme the job I know there had to have been more qualified applicants”

Ones who could still function fully One who didn’t have a fucked up brain that couldn’t forhts half the tih his teeth to his boss But Holt didn’t have a choice

What boss in their right raines so severe he couldn’t function at a hundred percent for a whole week?

“I only hire the best,” Cooper said, not dropping his stare “I hired you because you were the man for the job End of story”

Holt sed hard He didn’t feel like the bestNot even for himself, and certainly not for Lydia “Thanks”

“Sure” Cooper inclined his head toward the file “Let me knohen it’s done, okay?”

“Absolutely”

The door closed behind Cooper, and Holt leaned back in his chair, his fingers linked in front of his stomach He liked his boss In fact, he liked all the people he worked with They were all fighters, like hie Both inside and out Of course, when he ith them, he felt like even more of a fuck up

At least they didn’t stu ceiling fan because when it was on, they had episodes Flashbacks of helicopters, and bo blood It felt like no matter how many times he showered, he’d never wash it all away

Hell, Cooper was engaged and happy as hell Jake was in love with a woh to fall in love in the first place And Gordon was together enough to get a fucking princess to fall in love with hiether, and it was Holt’s job to give it to them

Again, Lydia’s laugh crossed hishim with its clarity With its perfection After he’d left her high and dry the other night, he’d had nothing but his hand and his memories of her to keep hi the need a little bit, he’d felt as if he had a good hold on what to do next