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“Mae That n-night…” I closed e and so fkin’ blue I washer nervous “I d-didn’t kno to d-deal I felt like a… a… r-rapist, p-pouncing on you like I did Lois dead You were n-nearly killed I weren’t d-dealin’ with shit like a Prez shoulda”
Rubbing ot you I t-tried to stay away, do the right thing B-because I ain’t no good for you But fk, I want you so b-bad I feel like I-I c-can’t breathe Can’t p-push you away n-no more Need to have you c-close”
We stayed silent for a fkin’ age before Mae spoke, her hand gripping ht when I met you that day, you know”
I jerked in shock We hadn’t talked much about the past Shit, we hadn’t talkedher away Knew she’d escaped some cult behind that fence Didn’t knohy or how, but I could guess it was bad by the way she never brought it up… and those fkin’ rape scars…
Mae stared unseeing into the fire, then slipped slowly to the ground beside ainst the bale I pulled her closer betweenshe’d need me for this shit
She was breathing so hard, so I rolled back her long black hair and kissed up the side of her neck She treht down
“I-I g-guessed you were around that age I was el-eleven” I finally replied
Relaxing back against hed “I… I had just taken part inI was stupid to resist the act But I was so young and terrified I tried to fight back when they forced me on the mattress and ripped off s… to…”—her tiain dipping to the ground—“keep s… wide open to the chosen disciple His name was Jacob From that day on, it was almost always him who selected me He was in his thirties at the ti’ as they called it, I resisted until I was broken in As I grew older, I just grew… desensitized to it all”
My hands gripped Mae around her waist and I shook in anger A thirty-year-old ht-year-old chick with so her innocent puy open Sick motherfucker What kind of pervert does that shit to a kid? Sick motherfuckers, the lot of ’em
“B-babe, you t-telling ht?” I bit out
“Yes,” she whispered “And I ran into the forest afterward I had to get away from it all I had no idea what had happened I didn’t even knohat sex was before that day We were kept separate fros within the commune It was quite the introduction to life with the opposite sex I wanted to die, Styx I was so sore, so ashamed”
She swerved and ran her soft, shaking hand down et it all for a while I was fascinated by you, entranced by your face; well, all of you—your dress, your beautiful hazel eyes I had never seen an outsider before We were instructed to believe that outsiders were evil, but when I saw you trying to co to help me; you, instead, looked like my savior You were my savior that day I never once told anyone about you, but I thought of you all the tiuarantee that beyond the rigid metal cell I had been trapped in, there was real hope I watched you try to speak, the struggle you had I was so confused by you”
I coughed out a short laugh “I b-bet I c-couldn’t speak for shit b-back then The only two people I-I’d ever uttered a word to were ri, forcedred lips tugged into a shy s me out like this for d-days”
I had to ask the question burning in my mind I just had to know “You l-like R-Rider, Mae? You want h-him?”
She sat up, shocked, and her ood friend He has never been anything but nice to oodness sake He saved me, took a bullet to save my life He understands hoas raised, Styx I like him He is a kind and honest man”
“You t-told hiround?”
“No, I did not tell him! You no most about me, Styx, but he understands the scripture I—we all—had to live by Rider has lived by it too, I think He helps me make sense of this outside world… this club… even you, your role as President, things you must do to protect your brothers”
As she stroked my cheek, the bristles of my unshaven jaws scratched underneath her short nails “You have to understand, Styx Life out here, outside the co fortothey do not realize my confusion I do not know all the modern devices that dominate your day-to-day life I certainly do not understand the rules and the behavior of the men at this club The way you speak to each other, to wo It scares me at times Rider understands my faith; no, my old faith I do not knohat I believe anymore or what to believe for that matter Rider has not pushed me to be any different than I already am He really did care for me when you were ahen you entrusted me to his care I admit I do like him Rider is ive hily, Styx I… I need him”