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I held her tight “And we’re not changing”

I rubbedthe noise of the party fade and seeain, I drowned out the chatter, the dishes being cleared downstairs, the doors opening and closing…

I liked noise Rain and birds and wind I just didn’t like other peoples’ noise It made the room feel small Too small I couldn’t think

After presents and treats, I’d slipped into the upstairs bathroom, closed the door, and stood there for a couplemy ears as I closed my eyes I hated that I did it

I hated that it helped

I hated that I had to hide to do it

Because I hated the way Ivar looked atit

I could read the roo to be him, and I knehat parts of me to keep quiet

Sitting on the edge of the tub and holdinginslow My heart My breathing

My thoughts

I drew in a deep breath and slowly exhaled, feeling the steadiness and calm return

Finally, I rose fro rowth behind my ears I’d have my dad take me for a trim tomorrow We usually went every other Saturday, but I didn’t want to wait

Puain, dried theers down htenedme feel secure Like armor

I exited the bathroo to the boys’ room we all shared e stayed over at St Killian’s

But heels hit the floor behind me, and I heard my mom’s voice “I have pajamas”

I glanced overin her dress I loved it when my mom dressed up It was pretty

“I’m okay,” I told her

She narrowed her eyes “Don’t you want to sleep in so more comfortable?”

“I am comfortable”

I’d showered e’d returned and changed into a fresh suit

I started walking again, but I heard her step toward me “Mads, I—”

I jerkedto face her “I want to be alone”

“I want to sit with you tonight,” she told me

My sto I needed I knew she was just trying to do what she thought parents should do, or she assu that I didn’t know I needed—like a talk or a hug or so worse I didn’t need help