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I balled my fists under my arms

She let her eyes fall again, and I saw so shimmery drop off her cheek

“I wanted to die” Her voice was thick with tears “I deserved to die I was trying to die”

Every muscle in my body hardened

“God, I wanted it all to end,” she whispered, her shoulders shaking “I had no idea how ugly the world could be until your father”

She turned blurry in ood way to put it Withwas dark and hell

“I was a child” She walked closer “I didn’t even kno to ride a bike until I was eighteen Schraeder taught me I was so sheltered”

Tears spilled down her face, thinking about this teenage girl, younger than Rika hen I terrorized her

Banks, Winter, Em, Rika…I had no doubt they would survive what Christiane went through, but…they would’ve been hurt Badly hurt, inside and out

Anger twistedabout it

“Rika was so alone for so long,” she lass, trying to see into a world she aiting to be invited into She had no voice, because I had none to give her”

I remembered

“The years faded in and out,” she continued, “and any moment of clarity was like a knife in my brain I couldn’t take it I couldn’t stand to remember you I was so weak”

I knehat that was like I had the scars to prove it She had pills I had razor blades

But it wasn’t weakness for

“But she eventually found her way, didn’t she?” she asked, not waiting for an answer “Michael, Kai Mori, Will Grayson…you I should’ve known life would find a way to take care of her when I failed to I should’ve known you’d find each other” A gentle smile flashed across her lips “She speaks like she has ten-thousand soldiers behind her now You did that Not me”

Rika learned everything she didn’t want to be by seeing firsthand every day what a wasted life looks like, just like Banks and I did in my house

“And you’re happy,” she told me “Winter did that Not me”

Christiane had finally learned what she should’ve taught her children—instead of the her—you’re one-hundred percent responsible for your own happiness