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Killing another hu--even one who brutally violatedto ined I was such a fool to initially even think it was an appropriate course those ht, I ith all ht that I had never concocted the foolish plan to kill JT I wish I would have gone straight to the police and let them handle it I wish I'd turned to my dad to let him comfort me when I learned my attacker's identity

In this moment, I even wish I had never stepped foot in the ballrooar Bowl Mixer where my intent was still to confront and kill JT, but instead I met Beck, his business partner, who enslaved my body, and later my heart

Yes, I'd even give up Beck if I could go back in ti down on me

And it's not just guilt that I took another life I think given ti to be able to accept that in thaton survival instinct and I think most people would have done what I'd done

But I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for the course of events I started withon Beck's door and looking at him as a potential suspect

I will never forgive myself

Beck did an ad the devastated friend but also the one with strong shoulders who bore everyone else's grief We "learned" some details of what happened to JT from his parents, ere contacted soon after his body was found

Apparently, his private chef who cooks for him a few times a alked into the bloodbath a mere twenty minutes or so after I stumbled out of JT's house When I think about how close I caht it back down I have to fight with my own need for self-preservation not to offer up a prayer of thanks for letting me escape before his cook arrived

JT's dad recounted to us that the police told them that JT was stabbed in the neck with a sharp object, but that it hasn't been recovered, and it appeared to have struck his carotid artery, causing him to bleed to death pretty quickly

Yup I can attest to that

They also told his parents that they believed JT knew his attacker because there were no signs of forced entry

Can also attest to that

Finally, they confirle before JT died, but until forensics could finish their investigation, they couldn't guess as to what occurred in the minutes before his death

I could tell them the details but I won't I promised Beck I wouldn't and I'd let him handle this

We stayed for a long tiht The long drive back into the city was silent, both Beck and I lost in our heavy thoughts

I wanted to talk to hi to him

I wanted to pour outhim into this mess

But he had put up a wall, and I could sense it as clearly as if he had told me point-blank that he needed soht when I'd turn to look at hihts He never said a word to ly fine to suffer in silence rather than with my support

This confused me and hurt me, and yetI really didn't kno to even strike up the right type of conversation that would assure ive him the emotional support he needed

At this point, I'm so confused about where we stand that I feel like I'e of a complete breakdown

Beck moves quietly down the hall toward our bedrooo He i the door softly behind hi The water turns on, and I can envision hi his hands A few more mo his shirt over his head before he steps out When theby the bed and I have to hope he sees the look of need on my face

I need hi

Just one tiny word or even a sreatly by everything that's happened, it hasn't changed his feelings for me

Instead, his eyes sort of pass over me and he turns to the closet to deposit his shirt in the clothes hamper

"Beck," I call out desperately, my voice heavy with need and fear

He iaze filled orry "What's wrong?"

My eyes roale feature that givesin thisday without a coue lines around his eyes, to the deep furrow in his brow as he looks at me His eyes don't shine but have turned a dulllow

He takes a tentative step toward

The silence is alaze sort of drifts to the here s are darkened except for strategically placed architectural lighting