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I throw all caution to the wind and I bare my soul to him "JThe raped me"

Cold eyes

Look of disgust

"Yet another lie, Sela"

Then he slams the door in my face

Pain such as I've never felt seizes my chest

It's like a blackened clarapping aroundand pushing out every bit of goodness and hope and light I try to suck in oxygen but ets tighter, until I think I actuallya heart attack

I' out toward our door

Correction

Beck's door

Not mine anymore

I wait, and then wait so in on itself

And I wait

My head drops, hair falling in a curtain as I stare at the dark gray carpeting My arravity and my palm presses down for balance I remember to that moment when I first saw JT on TV and vomited all over my threadbare carpet Back then, I had been assaulted with terrifying , living, breathing events that had happened ht under an avalanche of fear and sha I vomited and cried and expelled snot all over the carpet

Not this time

Right now, my eyes are bone-dry and I know this is because nitude of what I just lost If I really consider everything that Beck is to ain, I'm not sure I'll physically survive it

I'ive credence to the fact that I just destroyed every bit of trust and care he had forin on itself It will form into a dried-out, blackened knot of bitterness that I'll never overcome, and it will be far worse than any pain I've experienced in my life

Yes, even more painful than that, and I don't have it in ain

So I have to push pastignoreobliviate

Lurching up onto hs for balance, and try once again to catch a breath Grudgingly, s expand and pull precious life into h of defeat

My gaze falls to the floor again, and I see that the contents of my purse have been scattered clear across the hall I take in another deep breath, feel ony

God, it hurts

So much

My heart, my chest, my head

My lungs

My bones I even feel the crushing weight of defeat and loss in my bones

Reaching out, I grab the strap ofand see my wallet and key chain still inside I pull the keys out and work off Beck's condo key It takeswith it because I feel dizzy

I consciously pull in another lungful of oxygen, realizing that the pain just on the other side ofit's taken away my body's natural ability to want to live To even pull in the basic necessity of the air I need to survive

Deep breath in

Let it out

In

Out

Breathe, Sela Just fucking breathe

An agonized sob pops out of es of Beck's face flash before ive me five preciousand fling it at the door, a sudden burst of anger filling th

Just as fast it gushes out of me

And for a brief, gloriousfades I take in a tentative breath and findsensation of relief, and I use the opportunity to stand

I keep still, afraid soe I wait for it to co

I feel absolutely nothing

"Beck," I begged with a sob "JThe raped me"

He hesitated, eyes ith shock and face draining of blood I even reached out to hi that he'd want to help me

But then ust and said, "Yet another lie, Sela," before sla the door on me

I think about Beck just ust and calling me--the rape victim--a liar

And nothing

Absolute e, because it doesn't hurt

My gaze falls back down to the carpet Lip gloss, loose change, taum, and a matchbook I took from a jazz club that Beck and I went to A keepsake, so to speak

Tiny cra all of the scattered items

I turn my back and leave it all behind

All of it

Behind

TheSela and her treacherous, lying eyes, I fall back against it I is splayed out in front of me, toes tilted outward, and hs

When I first saw Sela sitting in e such as I've never known It was blistering hot andwith static as adrenaline pumped like acid in my veins

I knew

I to take a walk that day after Thanksgiving because she was overwhelured out that she had taken et into ether nicely

How could I have been so stupid? How could I not have seen the duplicity?

How in the fuck did I get played so well?

My body went on autopilot, le word she said, because she's a proven liar, and I hate liars ray areas and deception and cover-ups My parents taughtsuch a vile environly made a man with no tolerance

I'ht her Hell, I'h the condo; e, fury, bitternessit was all the fuel I needed to push her right out, as I realized that Sela was not only playing withwith my heart

As I sit here, feeling as if I don't have a single ounce of strength within me, I realize that as the mania subsides, I'o, I was full of Sela, and now there's a hollowness surrounded by a bitter husk

I hear a sound on the other side of the door, and of course I know it's Sela