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“Please God… Please forgive rant iveness… I have no other choice… Please you have to believe uide me”

I sat there pleading with someone I wasn’t sure existed, but I had to try and believe Try toI don’t kno long I was there onfor I don’t knohat

A sign?

I got toat Jesus on the cross and whispered, “I’m so sorry”

Before turning to leave

I cruised through the streets of New York fighting the urge to drive back ho down my face I turned around several tiirl’s voice on the GPS telling ht Ho

I pulled up to the clinic just after one and sat there looking at the sign through blurred eyes My thoughts raging a war into catchfor my mind to console my heart

Before I knew it, I was out of the car and walking in The door binged as I opened it, startling ave her my name and was told to take a seat

I sat in the lobby of the doctor’s office, waiting for my name to be called It brokethe same fate

Words couldn’t describe the eh my body, the turmoil and doubt that had taken residence inside ofI had ever experienced before I would hate h with this But I would hatehappened to anized crime

As each patient was called back,little by little I kneould be et this over with, I was also terrified My legs were bouncing nervously, the anticipation killing azine that I was blankly looking through

There were no words to describe the pain I felt in h alone

Always alone

Bing

I walked out of the office, needing so like I was going to be sick I clenchedAustin My heart was pounding out ofin an to spin I dry heaved a few ti I slid my phone open and pressed recent calls Austin’s na me I was just about to press send when the door behindme jump and drop my phone onto the sidewalk

I’d knoas pregnant for a week the day of the party I wasn’t feeling well for a few days, but I honestly thought it was fro on with Austin I blamed it on the stress, the nerves, and the e my body to shut down I didn’t want to eat I was always nauseous and just felt like shit in general I went to the doctor hoping she could prescribeto make me feel better

When I told her my symptoms, she immediately asked me when ht then and there I knew the cause of my sudden illness

She gave me a cup to pee in and a few nant She toldfaded as she did the ultrasound and handed me the photo when she was done All that nant Any other person would be happy with this news, but I was torn I spent the rest of the day at ho about life with a baby Looking at the ultrasound photo for hours Austin orking or getting high or whatever the fuck he was doing at that point

He caht by his side They smoked and did some blow I sat out on the balcony with s, at all the lights and sounds of the city that never slept

Allowing the chaos to take control over what had become my life

The day of the party I spent walking around the city, lost, confused, and overwhelnant I wanted to share the neith hi that maybe it hat he needed, the push to come back towould change He would be happy and want to celebrate by getting high or partying But then I walked by the art gallery I took hi dead center in the

For all to see

That hen I realized he needed to know, that I needed to tell hie, if it still didn’t help him find his way then I would raise the baby by myself There wasn’t a chance in Hell that I would ever let my child step foot anywhere near this life

The second I got ho manifested deep within my core I walked tobut worry, concern, and anxiety Co new, but when I saw that little girlover her, nobody protecting her, nobody taking care of her My heart shattered along with the fantasy of the life I thought I could have

It was Austin that drove the dagger into my heart even further when he confirmed that he knew she was there That he was just too fucked up to care Reality set in, and it was then that I grasped I would be raising our baby byan abortion It wasn’t even on

“Daisy Mitchell,” the nurse announced, saying my real name

This wasn’t Briggs as doing this This wasn’tbehind someone I created to survive

This Was Me

The girl that died in the car with her parents was now alive and killing someone else in her life

The irony was not lost on me

When Molly, the little girl, said her mom had died and that she was there with her dad That her father brought her to this hellhole and that he would find her That he always found her

It hitbricks My parents had died too, and I didn’t have a choice in how my life turned out I couldn’t do that to another innocent life

Especially my baby

What kind of mother would that make me?

I couldn’t be that selfish, even though I wanted this babyhappened to -addicted father or even fucking worse, my uncle

My child would become Molly

My child would become me…

I contemplated adoption, but there was no way in Hell that I could have this baby, our baby growing inside me for nine months The baby that I already loved with all ive it away to so it

The vicious cycle would never end

There was no way out of it I struggled with my emotions, with my choice, with my decision for over a week There was no other choice to be had I made the appointment, and I’ve hated myself ever since

“Are you Daisy Mitchell? We’re ready for you,” the nurse announced again, holding the door open, waiting for me to come back in

I grabbedcorridor Feeling as if I was being taken to my execution

And in a way, I was

She took me into a room that had an examination table The nurse asked questions about my medical history and other personal quest

ions that I iined were standard

The doctor came in followed by the nurse She explained to me the steps of the procedure I lay back on the table with my feet in stirrups The uncontrollable tears slid down rabbed my hand in sympathy

“Honey, you don’t have to do this Do you want us to call someone for you?” the same nurse asked

I shook h the tears, “There is no one”

I couldn’t be selfish This wasn’t aboutanother life

More blood on my hands

They were extreain that there was no judgment She explained the aftercare I nodded the entire ti attention It happened in less than five minutes

The last piece of my heart was taken away from me

A part I kneould never get back No matter how much I wanted to No matter how many times I’d pray I did this, and I had no one to blame but myself

The burden was mine to carry

All I kneas that I cried the entire time When it was done, they took me into a comfortable room with leather recliners and I curled up in one for a few hours wrapped up in some warm blankets

CradlingI wanted so desperately, so fucking badly So I had never even held in my arms

I didn’t just kill my baby that day

I Killed Me

I ended up slipping out without being noticed because I didn’t have anyone to pick me up I probably shouldn’t have driven in o home

Once again it was a reminder that I really was alone in this cruel world

I took a shower the next day, wanting to wash away thethe hot water run over my broken body The tears wouldn’t stop, andto the core I couldn’t breath

I kept repeating over and over again, “What have I beco sorry, baby I didn’t have a choice, I’randpa now, they will take care of you,”

I cried harder, talking to a life that didn’t exist any that had ever been taken frorabbed my blanket then buried myself in my bed and sobbed the entire day, so alone No one to comfortwas going to be okay It was like I was that little girl The one that had no friends, no family, no love