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Maybe

Here I rest, you guys

R I Mother-flapjacking P to me

And now, I’ to you live from what I believe is the afterlife

Just think of this as thatshoith Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest, Live with Kelly and Ryan

Only, change the nauests, and fill the audience with people who don’ta full-on embarrassment-fueled emotional breakdown

Good God, if I would’ve knoas going to kick the bucket right before I reached twenty-five, I sure as shit wouldn’t have spent the last six years ofaway at Stanford for a bachelor’s and lish Lit

I would’ve partied in college rather than studying until my eyeballs bled

I would’ve danced on bars Flashed soone to Mardi Gras

I would have indulged in unli carbs, and I wouldn’t have stopped binge-watching Ga six

I would have tongue-kissed loads of guys and spread s like a contortionist for any of them who seemed reasonably adept

You know, a little bam-bam in my ham-ham

So, but not-too-small P in my V

A good old-fashioned pants-off dance-off…

Sex, you guys I’ about sex And if you haven’t picked up what I’ down from my delirious ramble, I’ll lay it out for you

I’ve yet to be sexed up by anyone

That’s right I have officially bought in for-freaking-eternity

And now, I guess I’ll never kno it feels to have an actual penis rub up against my G-spot because, you know, I’m dead And I’ their boobs at the angels and public displays of leg-spreading and definitely the unchaste actions of a desperate-to-bone but unoman No way Heaven’s strictly G-rated

I put it all off I figured I had tiet to see The Office do a reunion special before I went lights out for good

Although, atory than heaven, and I thought for sure I’d be wearing so other than jean shorts and Converse when I headed toGuy upstairs

Honestly, the afterlife feels eerily like real life, and I’uys Seriously Because no one could live through what I did

I’ and aard

A Category 5 hurricane of humiliation

A twisting, catastrophic EF5 tornado of comedic disaster

No freaking way I survived that…right?