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He rolls his eyes as he slumps back in the torn sofa "Would you chill out? It’s just a little pot Nottohabit that had been going on for well over a year, starting right after Mason was born I have no idea how I’d been so blind not to see it, other than maybe I didn’t want to

But I should have seen it

When he didn’t show up for Mason’s delivery

When he’d stay out for nights at a time

When the cars he loved disappeared

When

When he’d love me

Then hate me

Love

Then hate

But I see it now

I see too ain," I note as I pick up the ashtray

He narrows his eyes at ain I told you I can’t--that I react to it poorly"

"Yeah, but you say a lot of things" I dump the contents of the ashtray into the trashcan and his eyes widen "Like you’ll get a job"

"What the fk are you doing?" He springs from the sofa and shoves me out of the way to reach into the trash "That was half a joint"

"You promised me you wouldn’t do it anymore" I set the ashtray down on the armrest of the sofa

He curses under his breath as he retrieves the joint "Yeah, but we could get money for this And we need ravated "And I had an interview tonight but how ah and s weed in the house?"

"I’ my son Besides, you drink while you watch hiue "To relax"

He rolls his eyes again and I start to get pissed off, but it’s nothing new This is e do

All the freaking ti to do with the fact that your mother’s an alcoholic and you’ve turned out just like her," Conner snaps hotly, getting inback

"Why? Does the truth hurt?" he seethes maliciously

I try to remain composed because deep down I know this isn’t about who’s an alcoholic or who’s high right now It’s about the fact that we’re broke, jobless, and sleep deprived

"You’re such an assle," I er bites at ry because I’ry because this wasn’t just his fault, it was er creates a vile taste in ht about the aftermath

"How did I everI should be better than that "Sorry," I hurry and say as I twist to face hi for his jacket on the sofa "You’re such a little cunt"

I ignore his rude reo to this interview"

He slips on his jacket "Get out of my way, Avery"

I shake h, so I’m useless" He zips up his jacket, ready to bail It’s the last year playing all over again, painful, ugly events stuck on repeat

I shove iveyou drive high"

He snorts a laugh "Like you could really stopmy feet planted to the floor "Mason needs his father alive" I figure that’ll get hie

"Avery, I’s are already ugly," I say, gesturing around the living room that consists of a torn leather sofa, a broken stereo, a shelf, and a few boxes That’s it That’s all we’ve ed to accuet worse"

"Bullshit" Shaking his head, he rushes forward and clocks his shoulder into e "Fuck!" he shouts so hard the veins in his neck and forehead bulge "I’’s my fault

That he never wanted any of this

That he never wanted ht Hard

I stuht on the corner My head throbs as the world spins arounduilty, shocked, and appalled with himself But all the re out the door, sla it so hard behind him that the entire trailer rumbles

After I hear the tires peel away, I sink down on the sofa and cradleat the floor while Mason cries from his rooain But a second later, I drag myself to my feet and walk back into the roo, holding onto him for dear life because it feels like I’ve failed, like I failed Jax when I left hi

"I love you, Maht before he drifts off to sleep

Then I start to sob noiselessly as I hug him closer to me

That day in the hospital when I had hi for hih But I’ve broken all those vows and it hurts so god da up

But how do I fix it?

I finally slip out of his room and into the bathroom to look at my reflection in the mirror The entire side of my face is red and swollen from where it hit the shelf I hadn’t realized how hard I’d hit it until now, nor did I acknowledge how bad it hurt

But now it aches

More than I realized

Everything aches

"Jesus," I rab a bottle of beer froently press it to the side of ure out what to do when Conner cory? Try to talk about it? Honestly, part of o back But to where? The Subs and live with my mother? God, I can’t do that Can’t subject Mason to that kind of environ froe, I have to wonder

Is this life any better?

But what can I do to change it?

Maybe I could try to track down o about doing that? All I know about him is his name and the fact that he was as obsessed with the stars as I am And really, it’d probably only lead to more disappointment If he wanted to find me he could have over the years

Disappointet so bad? How could I let things get so bad? How can I fix this? Make things better?