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"Life and how shitty it is and how it just loves dealing me the shitty-ass cards"

"Why is it shitty? Because you’re sober?"

"No, it has nothing to do with that or with you," he says, and then he sighs "Look, I get that you want to help et that what I’ to fk up my life, but you knohat, I don’t really have a life any about?" I ask, and when he doesn’t answer I say, "Tristan, talk to ain, but it goes straight to voice mail I try to text hiet into the car and a home

"What party do you think he’s at?" I ask Lea as weout with Brody, but she said their plans got canceled I think she’s worried about h, and that’s why she decided to come home with me

It’s after nine, the sky starry and the moon a crescent in the sky, and I can’t help but count the stars repeatedly, every tiht "Maybe we can track him down," I say

Lea seemed mildly upset when I told her what happened on the phone with Tristan, but she’s not freaking out asto be able to track hiht, for God’s sakes"

"Lea, you didn’t hear hiht onto the lossy with ice so I have to drive slowly "He’s going to do so to ruin his sobriety I can feel it"

She lets out a slow breath, her head turned toward theas she watches the Christ across the trees to the side of the road "Nova, we’ve been through this before You can’t just save everyone, especially when they don’t want to be saved" She looks at me hat see that way toward o When he coo from there"

I shake my head, tears about to pour out "I can’t take this any else?"

I have to work to keeptheir way up as I turn into our apartment complex "Tristan Delilah Quinton Myself I’ people fall apart"

She reaches across the seat and gives entle squeeze "Well, you have ht, but at the moment her touch only feels cold I park the car and we head inside She followstoto save everyone," she says "You need to learn to just let so to face her as I make to shut the door "Do you knohat happens when you let things go?" I ask, and she just stares at ht be a lost cause and youto do it, because no one else seems to be" And with that I shut the door

I think about calling Quinton and talking to hi to him on the phone I just want to see hih this entireokay I know it’s crazy Selfish Is--life--and I can only go for a day But I need that dayat theet there, he won’t send me away

Chapter 11

December 24, day fifty-six in the real world

Quinton

I wake up in theabout Nova and seeing her again How she’d feel… the scent of her… how she’d taste I flip on the la, thinking about how not, too long ago, I was staring at a different ceiling, one that was cracked and warped, but the one above ot ave up onhigh all the tihts are flooded with her… what she thinks… I’ with my emotions all centered around her… how h So afraid that I haven’t even opened the letter that she wrote me while I was in rehab

Before I can chicken out, I roll over to my side and reach underneath ers are tremulous as I carefully tear it open and pull out the letter inside Then, taking a preparing breath, I unfold it and start to read

Dear Quinton,

I’ to you mainly because you don’t seem to want to talk to ht now and probably have to focus on yourself a lot But we never did really get to say good-bye the last ti the chance to do that If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that saying good-bye is i this letter, I realize that that’s not what I want this to be about I don’t want to say good-bye to you yet Actually, I don’t want to say good-bye to you ever I know that’s probably freaking you out right now, but it’s the truth The idea of losing you is too much to handle I want you in my life always, either as a friend or more And I know you probably think I’m crazy That we barely know each other and in a way you’re right We do barely know each other, but at the sae person, which makes us able to understand each other more than a lot of people could And I honestly can picture us one day down the road, super old and just hanging out, again as friends orabout me over the last year or so, it’s that I’, I sort of latch on to it In fact, that habit can be a huge issue forEveryone keeps telling me that I need to work on that and I know I do, but I don’t necessarily believe that I need to let go of everything I can hold on to the things that are ih you o I’ to be here for you no matter what

Your friend forever,

Nova (like the car)

I stop reading it She’s right No matter what happens, I want Nova into her I want her with me I just need toa part of Can I do that for her? Let go and lance around the rooin each sketch and drawing and feeling the powerfulthem or the moments captured within the photos Then there’s ood-bye to any of this and o a little

One step at a tith I have in s down One by one, holding thes in the world With each one that comes down, I feel different, as if I’ve stepped into someone else’s body, the body of soer, new Reborn

When I’h that they don’t overtakechair, her belly big because she is pregnant withon her back porch, posing for the camera There’s also a sketch of her… one I drew a few days before she died That one I hold on to to reetting her coht She deserves to be re life, I don’t have to break my promise to her

"I’ll re if she can hear o just a little…"