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"I hope so," Ifor the phone insideto be Quinton, wishing , but it’s ets out of the car "Hey, can I call you back?" I ask her,ready to play in about an hour"

"Oh, was that tonight?" She sounds distracted and a little out of it, not like her usual self "I’?" I think I know, though, without hearing the answer

"It’s nothing I just… call rowingtragic just happened… does… does it have to do with Delilah?" I holdwhen I elve and I had to ht after h the door, frantically looking around like she was expecting my dad to walk out fro in the chair by myself and she panicked

"Ohher purse "Are you okay?" She threw her are that was, since after all she’d just lost her husband

"I’one"

She only pulled htly I had to stand up out of the chair "I know, honey And I’m so sorry"

I wrapped my arms around her, even more confused over her worry for me "I’m okay, Mom, but are you?"

That set her off and she started to sob onto my shoulder I held on to her as she nearly collapsed to the floor, tellingout with the funeral arrange them what had happened I was always better at that stuff, dealing with other people’s issues instead of , and yes, it’s about Delilah,"me back to reality "But I need to know you’re not alone… is Lea around?"

I glance out theat Lea, who’s saying so to Tristan in front of the car as she bounces up and down from the cold "Yeah"

"Good" She lets out a breath of relief "Because I need to know that you’ll have sohtens, death in the air "Delilah’swheel, trying not to hyperventilate "And she’s dead"

"She’s headed down to Vegas to… God, I don’t even kno to say this" She pauses, looking for the right words, but what she doesn’t get is that they don’t exist I’oing to change the outco down to identify a body… see if it’s Delilah’s"

I press h h this before I knohat to do Just like I know that in a fewI did wrong, like the time I walked away fro out, and with an asole of a boyfriend God, this never ends Death Regret Remorse Guilt It’s a stupid cycle and I want it to stop

"Do they kno she died?" I ask in an uneven voice

"Well, they don’t even know if it’s her yet," entle in an atte ache to it, one that leads me to believe that she’s pretty sure it’s Delilah "Nova, are you going to be okay? You’ve got that tone--the one you get before you shut down"

"I’m fine" I sit up and extendht"

"Nova, I--"

I hang up on her, not wanting to talk about it any about death I can’t do it any its way into my life And not justand I wish I had the power to o away so that no one would have to feel the ache, the cracking apart, the inability to process it because it doesn’tso et out of the car Lea iives me a worried look, which makes me wonder what I look like at the , I head for the front door, calling over ?"

They quietly followa hole in my head, while Tristan seems a little oblivious But it’s not his fault He doesn’t know ht’s over, she’s going to cornerquestions I wouldn’t even be surprised if my mom calls her and tells her what’s up, which makes me want to bail out somehow

In fact, it’s all I can think about as Jaxon’s parents let us inside There’s this aard sort of exchange between Lea and Jaxon’sto her while Tristan and I load up the trunk of the car and the backseat withscenarios of what happened and they ood me out I was sad and she lish teacher having a hed since Landon died Then ent to college together, and while eren’t always on the sah Forced o out into civilization once in a while Forced me to try to live when all I wanted to do was let myself die inside

"You’re awfully quiet," Tristan comments as he puts my drumsticks into the backseat

"I’m fine" I shut the trunk and cli a plate of cookies

Tristan gets into the backseat and buckles his seat belt, watching me in the rearviewto be sick"

"I’ets into the car I should probably tell hi myself to talk about it at theto react when I do I’ether and that has to mean he cared about her in one way or another

"What’s with the cookies?" I ask as Lea balances the plate on her lap

"Jaxon’s ave thehs and then starts ra about how uncomfortable that was as I drive to Red & Black Ink I’reeing in all the right places But as soon as we pull up to the back parking lot, I feel nauseous Why didn’t I do so? Why? Why? Why?