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The card ga on, but a lot of the people have cleared out of the apartment "Have fun?" Seth asks with speculation in his eyes as he looks up athis cards When he peers up at me, there’s a concerned look in his eyes thatabout Violet, like maybe what happened to her parents

"AsJonah and Kenzie have bailed, and head for the fridge I grab a bottle of tequila and swig it down, over and over again, letting the burn sink in, hoping to regain the person I used to be--the one I built so I could avoid being owned and controlled by someone, like my mom used to do all the ti into so Violet, and then it see her what she wants, not being the one in control, the kind of guy who does stuff for other people, who lets people into his fucked-up life

I want VioletI’ve been avoiding since I turned sixteen and I no longer care that I’ just about myself I want Violet so bad it burns under my skin fiercer than the alcohol burns at ly endless s, I still feel the overpowering urge to go back to the rooainst her, holding on to her, lying beside her, like she asked me to do But I’irl for the very first ti is I enjoy it for a moment until I shut my eyes Then, as usual, the past catches up with me

It’s dark outside, really late, but I can hear the boo off as they sprinkle the sky My roo around in the kitchen I’, because she’s been acting really weird lately, taking all these pills and snorting things up her nose But then I hear my door creak open and someone walks inside

"Lukey, I need you" She strokesto be asleep "Wake up"

I open hin the distance, and e of my bed

"What do you want?" I ask, rubbing my tired eyes

She stands up and wanders over to the , staring outside at the backyard "I think we’re being watched"

I sit up "What?"

She turns around and holds her hand out to me "Come with me, sweetie"

I shake et to , but tonight she see sroom and we sink down onto the couch wrapped in plastic I wait in fear for what she’s going to do next, noticing the blood on her shirt and hands for the first time Finally, she wraps her ar," she sobs, rocking back and forth

"Please, just lethter and there’s blood on her clothes It’s war as it seeps intoas I feel so weak inside because I don’t want her holdingfeels wrong Her Me The blood on her clothes "Why do you have blood on your clothes?"

She sobs hysterically, pressing her cheek against the top of s she wrote forher

"Lean into me Lean into me Take Help me I need to understand Help s it over and over again, all night, refusing to let o, and I feel smaller and smaller with each word until I’m so small I barely exist

Chapter 15

Violet

I wake up the nextfor the first ti and et up to go to the bathroohed down by an ar beside me in the bed with his arhpain, and slowly it coes I wince at one in particular, Luke’s fingers sliding inside me, but then as I remember how it felt, my stomach somersaults, and I remember how content I felt I could try to blame it on the alcohol--it wouldn’t be the first time--but with the positive waybeside hi to accept All these years, never letting anyone get that close tofor anyone on a deep level I don’t knohat to do withor bail out

Carefully, I lift his arm off me and duck out fro in the room I need to clear my head Breathe Think about what all thisto do when he wakes up

I quietly pad across the kitchen,roo glass door that leads to the balcony, slide it open, and step out into thewith the cup of coffee in ainst the bearound, not thinking about ju about the past

I remember the first time I had to switch foster families I was seven and didn’t understand why at first Yeah, I kneas acting a little crazy and I cried a lot, but people weren’t just supposed to give up kids, right? It’s not like I wanted a lot, just so inside me, the memories that haunted me, the loneliness

The look on their faces as I packed my suitcase and headed out with et They weren’t sad to see , they were relieved They didn’t want me, not like my parents did The painful, brutal, harsh reality of life struck me in the chest that day and nearly crippledeventually they’d handthan to feel all the bad And I’ve been doing it ever since, refusing to feel anything except the one thing I can control My adrenaline rushes So easy to start To endure Much better to feel than the harder stuff, like heartache

I shut ht spill overthat what happened with Luke last night wasn’t just an adrenaline rush I felt stuff with hi stuff for hiet to class He’s helpedin return He makes me feel safe and sometimes when he looks at me, touches me, kisses me, it feels like he wants me All of me The cranky, erratic, Violet that falls out s and kicks him in the head Who relies on hioes against ers that I’lide open and I don’t open

"Violet, what are you doing out here?" Luke asks

I keep ht or if he was too drunk "Just thinking?"

"About what? Is it… Are you thinking about last night?" He seelide shut, so it’s just hiround below

"You really want to know?" I ask softly