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Terrible, horribles desperately seeking air as I holdand for a moment I actually think I’m buried beneath the water It’s how I’ve woken up everyfor the last thirteen years I used to breathe as loud as possible, but I’ve had to train myself to be quieter since I have a rooed, I quickly roll over and burythe fear and panic out of, that it just feels like it That monsters don’t really exist That it was just people Really terrible people who did soht Never had to pay Just went on living, hiding their evil fangs and clahile I was left to wander the world alone

I breathe in and out until my face becomes hot and the scent of the fabric softener in the pillowcase overwhel the wall, sliding the bear aside I can sense that my roo atout lyrics to a poetic song It’s not really her kind that will drown out the thoughts inside my head and the emptiness in , I guess

I lie there withif it’s worthtoday or not My body feels like it’s been run over by a truck, like every single one of ans have burst open I’ht it was so swollen I could barely get it out of my boot I landed very aardly when I ju pop There’s nothing I can do about it, though I won’t go to the student health clinic and see a rent-a-doctor and I not going to go to a real doctor I don’t have the et into debt s Ithurt It’s going to suck, though, when I have to go toand Drinks

After a while, Callie turns down the h papers, opening and closing drawers Then it gets quiet

"Violet," she says and I tense When we moved into the dor about it, a no-talking-to-each-other-unless-necessary rule, so it’s weird she’s speaking to me Plus I think she thinks I’m a prostitute or at least a slut because I created a rule that when I tie a red scarf onto the doorknob, she can’t co, but she doesn’t need to know that It’s better if she just thinks I’in

I remain motionless, even when I hear her walk up to the side of ive up and leave It’s not like I hate her or anything Callie actually bothers me less than most people, but that’s because she rarely talks She never really asks , either, like privacy in the rooive it to her because I don’t want to walk in on her again with her football player boyfriend Those two like each other too much

Finally she leaves and shuts the door behind her and I’m free to breathe as loud as I want to I roll over toat the pain in my ankle Damn it, it hurts, but I’ll live It could have been a lot worse and I sort of wish that it had been A littlecloser to the fence instead of kicking that football player in the forehead I wonder if his head’s okay I did kick it kind of hard, but not on purpose Usually when I kick a guy I have a good reason to, but this ti time Or maybe I was

I check the clock over on the desk and realize it’s later than I thought My cheet up andI carefully sit up in the bed, slowly asthe dress I had on last night because I was too tired when I got tointo arettes and booze, which usually happens whenever I go to a party The stench of partying, no matter where it takes place, always seems to embed itself into my clothes and my pores I need a shower, but I don’t have time

I slide my foot over the bed and flinch at the tender throb in my ankle It looks horrible, twice as swollen as it was last night and it’s starting to turn a light bluish purple But I’ ht fall onto it "Motherfucker," I curse as the pain swells throughand I collapse down onto the bed A few inhales and exhales and then I try again, but the pain is too unbearable I’ not to lose it, but I can’tfor once and that’s getting good grades and eventually doing so ed to attend all of est amount of time I’ve spent in one place, besides Preston’s house That’s an accohout ot into fights or got passed around to foster hoth inet ritted breaths as I steady h the pain and limp over to my closet One foot in front of the other I can do this

I grabthelele my injured foot into the other Not only does it hurt like a bitch butup on the shoe, I collect my book froers through my hair and twist it up in a bun on the back ofa day old dress and one shoe before, like the time I tradedone of the brief times I lived out on the streets and had to walk around in this weird tube-top bra for a while

I hobble over to the door and maneuver it open, relieved when I make it into the hallway Now if I can justall noring the stares and whispers as I pass people, heading to the elevator I internally celebrate when I make it onto the elevator and it takesand holding on to walls, I finally , the dor putsrass and realize that I’ht on h the pain, reh as nails But then I step into a divot in the lawn and my ankle rolls aardly

I trip to the side and drop

People walking down the sidewalk stare at me like I’e, surrounded by Jennifer and her friends I hate how I feel just fro it The sharpness The little self-worth I’, shielded, and unbreakable Yet the et tothat helps me turn it off, box up my emotions and lock them silently away inside me But I’d need to move in order to do so Fuck

"Knock it off, Violet," Istuff get to you Suck it up"

I push back fro ainst the tree I’ to make it and panic claws at my throat as disappointment in myself seeps in I need a way to fix this… o away Now