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"I think sheher hair from her face so I can kiss her forehead

"How’d it happen?" I think this question has been on her et inside other people’s heads, because I wonder if it’s the first question people have when theythe way? I don’tI never do But I don’t think Cass has really ever cared to know, until now

"Accident," I say, simple at first

"Like, a car accident?"

I smile softly and shakeht held by my arms for balance Cass moves her head tonobody has ever done to oes along with trust "It was at this lake that Nate and I alent to over the surandparents’ house There was this one area, lots of cliffs and a deep, pooled area The suers jump from the cliffs into the water He was too afraid to try, and he regretted it for an entire year It was all he’d talk about"

"How old were you two?" she asks, and on instinct I threadIt feels so natural having her lie here in my lap

"I was sixteen Nate elve At least, when it happened He wanted to jump because he chickened out the year before, but when the tiot really scared I know I pick on him, but that’s my brother, and I don’t know… He was this little boy, not really even a teenager yet, and he was just so afraid to try so I’ve tried to rationalize it in my brain for years now, but at the tih this I didn’t want s I wanted hio first"

"And you jumped"

"And I jumped"

"And that’s when…" she says, her voice a soft whisper now

"And that’s when I didn’t co of ot

"Are you ever angry?" she asks, and her question actually surprises me Over all of these years, no one has ever actually asked me this I talked to Kelly and Mom about it, but only because I needed to before I crury," I say, and I’m so surprised by my honesty that it forces me to take in a deep breath, like a reflex

"I’ h

"No, no I just…, I’ve never had anyone ask," I say, al with my words I smile when I look down at her, and she looks concerned "I’ry But I don’t dwell on it I don’t want to slip into a bad place I need to stay positive, for Nate"

"Just for Nate? Nothing for yourself?" she asks, and once again, her words give ht It used to be for Nate But the self-challenging, the drive, the focus I give to everything I can do--that’s all for htful Are you sure you’re not a psychthe back of her hand as I squeeze it I lift her head froently andin the hallway, and I like her If it were Nate out there, I’d o"

"Okay," Cass says, her eyes sleepy as she kicks her feet under her blanket and fluffs her pillow under her head "Sweet drea your head in"I’ll see you toertips, and odda as ain--until noant her, and I hope like hell I don’t fuck this up

Chapter 9

Cass

The tingling is fa Faint, but there A sensation inis not right in my body It went away, but I’ve spent the rest of the day waiting for it to come back, terrified of a flare-up

MS relapses are like traffic pileups that happen in ets hit with one orperiod of tio aithout a few days of an IV steroid treatment, and sometimes that doesn’t even do the trick I knowthat I can do this--not just try out for, but actually make the McConnell wo hi the way, I started to want this for myself--to believe I could do it